Ladies and Gentlemen!

Posted: September 27, 2014 by fischfail in Random, WTF

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I present to you “The Dragon Dance.”




Fischfail on dreams

Posted: September 18, 2014 by fischfail in awesome, Dreams, Humor, Life, Random, Sleep

Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is (probably) already done. Also don’t forget to follow my antics (i.e. stupidity) on Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Also, feel free to follow a possible descent into alcoholism at Untappd. Thanks!

Dreams are a rather funny and curious thing. Some people believe they have meaning, while others think they show us our life’s path, and others believe them to be just a byproduct of the processing information (who hasn’t had one of those strange moments of clarity, where you snap back to consciousness at 4:30 in the morning because you had an idea and had to write it down? Perhaps on a blog you have spent a considerable amount of time neglecting).

But for every good dream, there is the equally sinister dark one. Bad dreams, nightmares, night terrors. Whatever you call them, we all have them at some point in our lives. And for the most part they are universal (at least in terms of general themes.) And most people go through stages of nightmare.

When they are a child, there are monsters under the bed and in the closet. And in the child’s mind, this is absolute, despite being reassured by those they trust.

As that child becomes a little older, these nightmares shift from the fear of the dark and the monsters that reside within to feelings dealing with loneliness, and more specifically never being able to find “the one” (a silly thought in retrospect).

Later on, these dreams tend to shift loosing the person(s) you care more about in life. Or losing the things that make you “well-off (a car, job, or home for instance.)

During all this time, there is also the dreams that focus on the death of the dreamer. And, we’ve all heard the saying “if you die in you sleep, you die in real life,” a saying I can safely say is bullshit, and if not, well then I must be a zombie. So I have that, I guess.

But what happens to a person when they do not “leave” stages of nightmares and just gain a variety of ones.

I am one who has suffered from bad dreams most of my life. Many people have told me stories of me crying out in my sleep, clenching my teeth so tightly I cannot open my mouth the next day, violently thrashing about, as well as many other things. Hell, ErinLovesTheWeb has woken me from more bad dreams than I can count.

So, let’s start with that first “stage” of nightmare.

As a child I was terrified of the dark. In fact, I was so afraid, that nightly I would “booby-trap” my bedroom (with toys, jump ropes, chairs, whatever I could get my oversized baby hands on) at night, and it would remain so until the morning when I decided it was safe. This booby-trapping had went on for years and my parent’s “supported” it. But, I had good reason to be terrified, there were monsters, I could even prove it. I had a fucking “My Buddy” doll, and if you don’t see the problem there, then your childhood was bullshit.


This little asshole kept me awake forever... Because my dad is a cunt.

This little asshole kept me awake forever… Because my dad is a cunt.


Later on, instead of “growing out of these dreams,” I also had began having nightmares about being alone, and never finding “that one person who truly gets me…” Or someshit. I don’t really know, but I do know if I could I would go back in time and punch myself in the face for being an asshole.

Then, I started having dreams about losing those I care about. Some affected me greatly and others not as badly. I am a little sad to say that some of the dreams that didn’t affect me had a bigger impact than the ones that did (if that makes any sense to you, you may want to seek help, considering I wrote the fucking statement and it barely makes sense to me…).

Well, you see where this fucking story is going, so I’m going to fast-forward a little bit.

Blame it on being a coward, blame it on an over-active imagination, blame it on hot Cheetos before bed, I don’t care. But to this day, I still have horrendous nightmares… That I frequently cause myself.

I will often lay in bed ready for bed but not quite able to fall asleep yet. And my mind will start making a story (interestingly, I also do this while driving). Creating this fascinating pseudo-movie, where I am the main character and I know the script, yet I don’t know what is going to happen next. The twisted mind of the director determines the sequence of the shots to be done. And soon enough, the shadows on the walls will morph into the devilish teeth or the jagged claws of demons from the darker corners of hell.

And then the spiraling begins. Mind you at this point, I am still awake. But then the shadows become tangible beings. Monsters emerging from me depths of my mind. And suddenly I am gripped with paralysis, unable to remove myself from the environment. And then the drifting to sleep will begin. And at this point in life, the dreams rarely stay focused on the monsters living in my head, and will instead drift to more the “lifelike” scenarios of losing the people I care about.

And at some point, I inevitably wake up sweating and shaking, unable to fall back asleep for several hours.

This entire sequence is part of the reason I have so much trouble sleeping at someone else’s house. There are too many things I don’t know, and incidentally more places for those monsters to hide, waiting in silence for me to sleep.

Anyway, this brings me to a telling of my latest nightmare. I will try to explain as much as I can remember. But, we all know that sometimes dreams make no fucking sense at all, so keep that in mind, as some of the details are bound to be “blurry” at best.

I had just laid down, I was listening to some light music (I have no idea of the artist, not that it fucking matters), and I started developing this string of thoughts regarding a universal phenomenon of how children (some of whom are never exposed to them) almost universally have a fear of monsters. Oh, who am I kidding, I was actually thinking about the fact that I didn’t feel well resisting the urge to throw up my dinner, which would cause my insides to turn into a gelatinous mass that squirming out my mouth, landing in the toilet, taking shape and then strangling me (maybe, I do need some help…).

Somehow, this string of thoughts turned into moving shadows on the walls that slowly gained shape into more “real” beings, and I began to drift.

The first shadow I saw, took shape and started reaching out from the wall. I watched as the being’s arm got closer and closer, until I could feel the hell-beast’s claws sink into my leg. And then another shadow started forming. Soon enough, the two beasts were snarling and fighting over which got to devour this “piece of tasty, tasty fruit on a far away island.” Just as soon as the fight began really heating it, the window exploded inward as a third demon came flying in and ripped the first two into pieces.


Let me taste your butthole.

Let me taste your butthole.


Reality and the dream world then combined in an explosive collision caused by ErinLovesTheWeb bursting through the door to save me like some sort of demon-slaying, dragon-riding, curiosity-driven knight (she was coming in to ask a question). I watched in mild horror as the remaining shadow demon dissolved at the risk or being seen and the window “melted” back into place.

She gets the answer she is looking for, and closing the door behind her, leaves me in total darkness. However, this time I fall directly into the dream, my body having none of that shit where I cannot sleep and my brain won’t shut the fuck up, and I create my own nightmares.

Instead I fall pleasantly back into the dream world and this time, my dreams focus on my life exactly as it right now.

As a side note, we all know these types of dreams, they either end fantastically showing a possible glimpse of the future where everything works out perfectly, or end horribly showing how frail and fragile our lives are making us question our own mortality.

I doubt I need to explain which this is.

As I mentioned, the dream started out by focusing on my life as it is at this exact moment. We both have stable well-paying jobs with a steady income, we can cover out bills without worry, a reliable automobile, and a place of our own. All-in-all fairly well, considering where we were a year ago.

But then, something happened, on my way to work. The car died, and there was no getting it fixed. It broke, and then it was just gone, removed from existence, taking with it everything that was inside. This was the beginning the snowball…

That ball slowly shifted and began rolling away from me. Soon, because I was late for work, and then couldn’t arrive from several days (despite being able to easily ride a bus to work), I lost my job. This somehow meant ErinLovesTheWeb and myself could no longer afford bills (despite the fact she was able to cover all our bills before I got work), and we lost the apartment where we live.

For some reason, I were unable to move in with any of our friends or family, and became truly homeless. This caused strife in the relationship and we separated (dream logic demanded that this was the best solution to everything and was indeed permanent).

So, now I am homeless, without transportation, job, or food. But I somehow still have a phone and headset (so, I have that going for me I guess).

And then, I am going through self therapy, listening to music. And I come to an epiphany, ErinLovesTheWeb can no longer interrupt music or NetFlix (I totally still had that, I don’t even know how that works).

And life is starting to turn around, I can buy a candy bar and I do. I bite into a delicious Snickers bar and all my teeth immediately break and my mouth is pouring blood. And my phone dies.

And I realize I can hear nothing anymore. I have gone deaf, with the exception of an annoying humming noise. Despite everything, I cannot figure out what it is, but I do know it holds all the secrets to my life and if I can track it down, everything will be okay.

And I do a 180 and slam my face into my bedside table.

I am ripped from a dream via trying to become fucking Odin. It was then I learned the annoying humming sound. My fucking mom… Calling me at 330 in the morning… Because she fell asleep on the couch while on the phone…

Dreams are fucking stupid.

And I guess the moral of the story is: waking up this early is kind of awesome. I was able to write this piece of shit and prepare myself for the day.

I leave you now with one more song.



Deal with it.




Posted: September 2, 2014 by fischfail in Random

Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is (probably) already done. Also don’t forget to follow my antics (i.e. stupidity) on Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Also, feel free to follow a possible descent into alcoholism at Untappd. Thanks!

So, some months ago, I seemed to vanish.


Hopefully though, I can come back with a semi-regularity.

Now, the question is: Where the fuck did everyone go?

I’m not exactly, sure, I know I am going to be doing…. some remodelling around here. But, who knows what that actually means.

So, onto the reason I left. I made promises to all of our loyal readers, regarding some posts. And, I failed to produce said posts. And for some reason I took that personally and assumed you all did as well. And then I didn’t really feel like I could “face” you.

At first, it wasn’t too bad. A missed post here and there? Fucking normal. Not logging in for a week? Happened more than once. Not logging in for a month? Probably.

But I mean, I didn’t log in at all, even to check information and stats. I just stopped thinking about Fisch Fail, INC.

And for that I am sorry.

Eh, I think that is enough for now, as I am at work currently. But I promise I will be back soon.

And to those of you who started following us more recently… Welcome.





Northern Reaches IV

Posted: August 25, 2014 by Grimnir in Uncategorized

Hello my beautiful readers,


This past weekend I was at a full contact combat event called Northern Reaches.

let me back up a little bit and explain a few things.


I participate in a full contact foam combat game called Dagorhir. Think LARP but you actually get hurt. People wear armor, dress up in period or “Tolkeinesque” garb and wail on each other. We’ve got vikings, elves, romans, barbarians – and the group i belong to – the militia; all the evil guys like orcs, goblins, uruk-hai and the like.

Goblins be like...

Goblins be like…

So back to the story. Northern Reaches this year was a very successful event. Our first battle was an hour straight of grind-through-the-mud, shield wall against shield wall, grueling combat. It was fantastic. The best feeling is the one you get when you face an opposing force that can match your own speed and ferocity. The commanders barking orders, yelling for the charge, bodies falling around you as you advance on their ground. Their truly is nothing like it.

The King’s battle pitted two sides against one another, each one fighting to make their leader King of the North. Being what we are, the militia have no arbitrary allegiance. We fight for whoever pays us best. The offer was made of mead and Imperial silver, and so we would fight for Wilhelm. After 30 minutes of tremendous strife, the dust cleared; we had prevailed. We five walked from the battlefield victorious and were rewarded handsomely. The wounds I have incurred are a glorious reminder of our battles, but even after they are gone, the memory of our victory will live forever in my mind.




There Isn’t a Man

Posted: August 17, 2014 by luzob in Random

Yeah… that’s right… I’m back motherfuckers!

*if we had a themesong it would go here*

So… We have burritos to celebrate, tacos to chug and bitches to violate within our minds!

BITRTHDYA! thats right.. Our intrepid Main Author Mr. Fail’s day of birth is upon us. COMMENCE LAMENTATIONS!!!

At one point he was Jesus…

…just sayin.

Super Sayin..

So I don’t have much to actually GIVE to our lead author, at least not yet, but I do have both a gift for him and a gift for our loyal readers. We still make decent averages per month and I want everyone to know we love you.

With little more adieu and gettingthefuck on with it…

I will be resurrecting FischFailInc!

You heard it here, boys and girls.. We will be coming back. Bigger, Better, Awesomer?

Social Networking! Youtubeing! Old Authors! New Authors!

Y’know the bestest part of all this? Fisch doesn’t know any of this yet…

Here you go, brother. Happy Birthday.


I regret nothing.

Posted: March 14, 2014 by fischfail in Random

Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is already done. Also don’t forget to follow our antics on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Thanks!

Well, well, well.

First of all, I would like to thank and say welcome to all the new friends and followers we’ve made even though we have been quite inactive.

So, I’ve been gone because my computer has been… down, to say the least. I hopefully have a majority of the kinks worked out. There isn’t going to be anything substantial (from me) today. However, on Friday, I should have a new PerkDermp and hopefully the return of the “Logo Design Contest.” Also, some new pictures of the remaining authors along the way.

Now, some of you may have noticed that some of our authors have seemed to go missing. This is true. And due to various reasons, a few of our authors have said their departing words and left us. I harbor no harsh feelings for any of them, and I wish the best of luck in all of their endeavors.

I think that is it from me for now. I shall see you all in a very short time.

Thank you.