Posted: July 23, 2010 by fischfail in Humor, Random, Satire, WTF
Tags: , , ,

At one time a car represented a person, or at least the way that person wanted to be portrayed.  However, times have changed.  Now the ecologically sensitive drive specialized electric vehicles; the economically distraught drive old broken ones, used ones, or none at all.  Those who are confident, need a boost of confidence, or are having a mid-life crisis drives vehicles that are neither ecologically or economically sound; and we won’t even begin to discuss sports cars (Justin Beiber just bought a $200,000 Lamborghini Galado…).

So, let’s get to the purpose of this post.  I was at work and had to use the urination station, which means a brief trip to Meijers.  And I had the unfortunate experience of parking next to one of the gayest cars in existence:  the Toyota Prius.  Seriously, I hate these fucking things, ErinLovesTheWeb can vouch for this.  In fact, my roommates mom owns one and I jump all over every opportunity to make fun of this fucker.  So anyways, I park right next to this queer little vehicle and almost piss myself from laughing.

First of all, if you’re not familiar with a Prius, look below…

Now, the Prius I found was fiery red (sorry, I don’t have more real pictures of this thing, but I was short on time).  And the first thing I notice is a big-ass dolphin and unicorn image on the back of the car (and honestly, is there any two animals, real or mythological, that are gayer than these two?).  The next thing I notice is the tribal-style flames (which are also gay) along the sides, much like these:

Except they were black.

Then comes the icing on the cake. On the roof of th car is a completely different flame decal (this one also in black). And finally, la creme de la creme, a big-ass tribal style heart image on the hood of the car (see below).  A faggy little thing (by little I mean 2 feet by 2 feet) also in black.  Now, if I can say nothing else about this car, I can say the driver has a strong sense of color as the interior and 5 decals (trunk, roof, hood, and driver/passenger doors) all match in color.

However, I apparently am not the only person who feels this was as evidenced by the sign I found under the windshield wiper.  This one is a picture I was able to take.

Now being the guy I am I had to take this sign for my personal collection, and it is sitting at home in a box.

Now, my brain goes into overdrive with questions like “what type of douche would drive this?” and “Holy shit, I have a Hot Wheels car that looks just like this, I wonder which is stronger?”  But, then my mind goes in another direction:

What if someone is driving this thing out of irony?

Either way, I didn’t have the time to ponder this, I had to piss.  As I enter Meijers, I am saddened by the fact that I may never know…  Damn you bladder! So, I’m returning to my vehicle, and I am hoping, no, I am praying this vehicle is still there because I have to get some pictures for all my loyal readers.  And then I see it, my eyes gleam, my heart races, I get pep in my step.  But then I see the impossibly unfortunate.  The trunk is open and somebody is loading groceries.  Oh fat, ow have you shunned me so?  You allow me to see this car, but put in such a situation where I cannot take pictures?  Damn you!

So, I enter my vehicle, angry at myself for missing such a grand opportunity.  Howwever, I can “do” some paperwork and at least get a glimpse of the driver as they get in to drive away.

So I casually look to my right, and there is the driver.  Just the sight of them made my pen fumble and my breath catch.  Surely, this cannot be right…  Here is this 300+ pound man standing a my passenger door, squeezing himself into this tiny toy of a car.  Even more shocking is this: the guy was wearing riding boots, jeans, a Harley shirts, and an American flag bandanna.  This guy looks like a fucking biker and is climbing into this thing like it is the most natural thing on earth.  Now, as I said, this guy was big, but he was solid muscle, he should be carrying this thing, not driving it!

Once again, my wandering mind takes control.  Is this guy serious? Is he being ironic? Maybe it’s his wife’s car? Or, perhaps a daughter?  I simply cannot grasp the concept of this guy driving this car.

So, I watch this guy pull away, and I am trapped in this parking space, wandering what I could learn from this guy in a short 5-10 minute interview.  Chances are, I will never see this proud Prius driver again, which makes me horribly sad.  If I am lucky and a god smiles upon me, I might see this toy parked once more and have the ability/opportunity to photograph it.

Now, I don’t know the reason this particular man was driving this particular car that was decorated in that particular fashion, but I am dying to find out.  Oh, mystery man, if you happen to read my blog, please tell me.  I have to know!


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