Monster

Posted: August 14, 2010 by fischfail in Health, Humor
Tags: ,

For those of you that know me, I am not a morning person… At all. You also probably know that I am not a particular fan of energy drinks (problems in the past involving them). But when I do have one, I generally choose Monster or Rockstar Black, or whatever the fuck it’s called (the one in the awesome black can that tastes more like Coke than an energy drink). However, since I’ve been trying to watch my sugar, carb, and caloric intake, I’ve been generally avoiding the damn things. Until today…

Let me just explain something real quick. Yesterday, I worked from 300 pm until 1100 pm, which isn’t too bad. However, I had to be back in at work at 700 am this morning, where I worked until 700 pm, with only two or three hours of sleep. And I decided to buy me an energy drink or two… So now we’ve added a metric fuck-ton of bad shit to my system on top of sleep deprivation and a morning shift. Talk about problems.

However, imagine my surprise this morning when I walked into the gas station to find a new energy drink (well, I don’t actually know that it is new, but I have never seen or had it… Therefore, for the sake of argument it is new): Monster Absolutely Zero. My first thought was: “…this could be interesting or horrible. I’ll get one, and one I’ve had before, just in case…” Before I discuss the taste, let me run you through the information that is printed on the can (in case you haven’t seen it yourself).

Monster Absolutely Zero Energy Drink

Serving Size 8.0 fl.oz. (240 mL)
Servings Per Container: 2

–Calories: 0
–Total Carb: 1g
—Sugars: 0g
—Erythritol: 1g
–Vitamin B2: 1.7mg
–Vitamin B3: 20mg
–Vitamin B6: 2mg
–Vitamin B12: 6mcg
–Sodium: 180mg
–Energy Blend 1300mg (as opposed to Monster Assault, my favorite type, which has 2500)

Ingredients:
CARBONATED WATER, CITRIC ACID, ERYTHRITOL, NATURAL FALVORS, TAURINE, SODIUM CITRATE, PANAX GINSENG ROOT EXTRACT, COLOR ADDED, L-CARATINE – L-TARTRATE, CAFFEINE, SORBIC ACID, SUCROLOSE, BENZOIC ACID, NIACINAMIDE, ACESULFAME POTASSIUM, SODIUM CHLORIDE, GLUCURONOLACTONE, INOSITOL, GUARANA SEED EXTRACT, PYRIDOXINE HYDROCHLORIDE, RIBOFLAVIN, MALTODEXTRIN, CYANOCOBALAMIN,

At this point, I would like to pose the question, have you ever actually read the ingredients in an energy drink? To be perfectly honest, this is really the first time (well, second now) I’ve ever read one, and the ingredient names alone make me never want to drink one.

Now, for the goofy ass statement that Monster prints all the sides of all their cans, to explain that particular flavor.

“People have been blowin’ up out inbox for years asking for a zero calorie Monster. We got it, but this ain’t soda pop, dude!

Making a zero calorie, zero sugar drink that’s good enough to earn the Monster M ain’t that easy.

Finally, with a re-tooled energy blend, new sweetener system and after hundreds of failed flavors, we absolutely got it right!

Monster Absolute Zero helps fight fatigue, improves mental performance and focus, motivates you to work (I mean play) harder, so generally you feel pretty damn good.

Zero calories, zero sugar, killer buzz… Absolutely guaranteed!”

First, I would like to say, thank you for trying, and the can looks rather cool… Now, onto the review, if you will. At first, the drink wasn’t too bad; a little bland, but not too bad. Then, by the time I finished it, my lips were tingling (not necessarily in a good way, either). Then the epic heartburn came. Now, an hour and half later, my stomach is killing me, I am still kind of out of it (although, not as much). I have a poor taste left over in my mouth, and all I can smell is the stuff.

Overall, I found it to be a horrible experience brought to me by Monster (heh, I guess there is a first time for everything). Monster, even if I am the only one who did not enjoy this drink, then congratulations, however, I know that I will not be consuming this particular variety again. Monster, you have failed me. Although, I must say that the sugar high I did not receive is nice.

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Comments
  1. I heard somebody say somewhere “If you can’t pronounce the ingredient don’t eat it.” I think if I were to follow that advice I wouldn’t eat much of anything, seeing all the preservatives even in “fresh food”.

    I’ve been thinking about trying this abomination, I still probably will. However, now I will lower my expectations adequately and pack some tums.

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