So, you’re a social networking expert? And other things.

Posted: October 13, 2010 by fischfail in Anger, Employment, Humor, Life, Nerd, Random, Satire, Technology, WTF
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Social Networking

Today at work I received an interesting phone call. It was from a guy (whose name I had forgotten before even attempting to find a pen) who was looking for a position with my company. He said, and I quote “I don’t have any security experience, but I am a social networking expert.” I was a little taken back.

For those of you who don’t know what a social networking expert is, let me explain. It is someone is incredibly familiar with social networking “programs” (twitter, facebook, myspace, etc.) and knows how to use them and attract attention their way… In other words, it’s the term for a person who spends their entire day online, masturbating to the same stupid fucking videos of the same stupid fucking cats, while pretending to “know” hundreds of people.

Are you fucking kidding me? What would a security company need with a service like twitter? Are you actually fucking asking if you can get paid to write “Come see out under-paid, under-appreciated guards want to kill themselves at (location name) tonight at (time)!” or the facebook status “We gained a new location today, this is truly a great victory for (shitty employer). It was a lot of work, but worth it in the end!” And, I’m sure that I don’t speak for everyone but, the first time I received the facebook message “You’ve received a poke from (insert shitty company name here)! Poke them back” will be the last time I put a gun to my head.

There is another problem with wanting to become a “social networking expert” for a security company. Ready for it? 99% of the shit we do, we want kept secret from the public! And really who the hell would follow such accounts anyway? The employees wouldn’t, we get all the messages delivered in full detail stuffed down our throat, people who don’t work for the company wouldn’t care that “We are considering letting a few employees go at this time,” unless of course, they get a chance to work at the said company, and other companies wouldn’t give two shits about “Check out our new vehicle! http://bit.ly/4ox8V35246987….”

Seriously, get a fucking life. Social networking is not rocket science. In fact, the only reason there is “experts” in the field is because of dumb-fucks like you. The shit isn’t hard either… Hell 12 year olds, were building websites (granted it was geo-shities) back in 1995…

On a serious note, security companies need “social networking experts” as badly as I need my head stuffed up my ass and my testicles lit on fire. Go fuck yourself.

On a final note (for this part of my post) “All officers 10-74. No problems reported for 2300 hours. Dispatch is clear at 2300 (radio call sign), (company name).”

School

For those of you who haven’t officially heard, I did resume class for this term. Surprisingly enough, I assumed I would post less once classes resumed than I previously did (I don’t even know how that would have been possible, though), and yet, hear I am, with a second post in a weeks time.

Now, I doubt my courses will remain this easy throughout the term, and I’m not really holding my breath. But overall, none of my classes are hard… At all, in fact, most of them are going to be easy A’s, which is great because I do need to seriously raise my GPA. But, here’s the thing, I do attend class three days a week, and while that may not be the most days I can attend in one term, it does put a rather heavy workload on me (in terms on homework). So, in that regard, I’m probably do not have much availability in terms of hanging out, in fact, my last post was written in class, and this was written at work. But, I am honestly going to try and write more often (even though I’ve been saying that for the past month)!

Sleep

For some reason, I’ve been exhausted lately, hardly been able to stay awake. And yet, I manage to wake up at a reasonable time every day. And by that, I mean between 2 and 3 in the morning, regardless of the time when I actually go to sleep. Its starting to really wear me thin: my patience sucks ass, my appetite has gone retarded, my logical thinking is defunct. This is killing me.

Done?

Well, this has actually gone longer than I expected already, so for now I’m going to cut it off. However, be warned, it is only 4:19pm, and I have 6.5 hours left in my shift. This will probably get much longer.

Chance for free cookies!

Well that only lasted 45 minutes… So, there is a free fresh baked batch of cookies for the first person to correctly tell me what the fuck I am working on for homework currently. Now, there is only one hint, which is actually the answer the problem the problem I just finished. You have to tell me what the answer represents and what type of class it is for. Are you ready for the challenge? Here is my answer.
1. HENRY_BOOKS
a. BRANCH (BRANCH_NUM, BRANCH_NAME, BRANCH_LOCATION, NUM_EMPLOYEES)
b. PUBLISHER (PUBLISHER CODE, PUBLISHER_NAME, CITY)
c. AUTHOR (AUTHOR_NUM, AUTHOR_LAST, AUTHOR_FIRST)
d. BOOK (BOOK_CODE, TITLE, PUBLISHER_CODE, TYPE, PRICE, PAPERBACK)
e. WROTE (BOOK_CODE, AUTHOR_NUM, SEQUENCE)
f. INVENTORY (BOOK_CODE, BRANCH_NUM, ON_HAND)

There is the answer. The contest begins, now, and is open until someone answers correctly! I promise you, this is a real assignment, and yes, I do think it is just as retarded as you do.

Without you!

Oh, how could I have done such a stupid irresponsible thing!? How could I leave behind that one thing that helps get me through the day? I miss you so much, and I want to see you, to hold you, to caress you. To see you in front of me, spread open ever so slightly, waiting to take me in and never let me go. How could I have been so foolish to have ever let you go, to let you out of my sight, to toss you aside like some tramp on the street? I hope that you can forgive me and in time, we can work this out and become one, once again. I would give anything for you to be here with me right now.

You are the one and only (well one of two, technically, but I could never let either of you know that, it would only bring forth distrust and despair). Oh, novel that I read at work, how can I ever make it without you?

And, you thought this might actually be something romantic! But, I’m sitting here at work, still, and it is now 5:11 pm, and I just realized that not only had I forgot the book I try to leave in my backpack for just such occasions, but I also forgot to grab the other novel that I am currently reading. I must say, this day has officially gone from bad to far, far worse.

Creepin’ people out

Want to know a great way to keep people out, a method that has worked for me many times, and only gets funnier with age? Get a job (security works great), learn someone’s name (but NEVER let them know yours), where the uniform very properly with a hat (a black outfit and hat pulled low on the head works very well too), then (without ever actually looking at them) in a very official, uncaring tone, say their name… Guaranteed to terrify them, especially if you only see them once a week, for about 7 seconds.

One ring to rule them all….

I was actually so bored at work tonight, that I managed to make myself a ring… Out of duct-tape. Now, I’m not saying this has never been done before (as I am almost positive that it has), however, you have to remember that I have the artistic ability of a one handed baby with a flipper and is high on cocaine. So, fuck off, I am rather proud of this ugly little piece of shit.

Wow, at this point, I really need to find something to do while at work. If this continues on, this post will have to be titled “the almost never-ending story,” or “The history of the incredible FischFail, INC.”

Biting the bullet

So, I’ve said it many times before, and I’ve even mentioned it on here a few times. It’s the program I wrote for work, the one that is supposed to make life easier on the employees? Well, they have asked me several times now to work on it, or even upgrade it, however they did not want to pay me for it. So I refused, in fact I haven’t even looked at the source code in months. Well, tonight I bit the bullet, and I forgot how much that cocksucker hurts.

There are a few bugs within the program that I have actually been meaning to work on, when I had the time. However, due to some very recent technology issues that I had, I lost the latest backup of the program… And I haven’t really cared to work on it much anyway. But, tonight something jumped into my brain, to try and take care of these minor problems.

4 hours later, and I have most of the problems I wanted to repair, covered. But, it made me remember why the hell I was rewriting the thing. Apparently, when I wrote it the first time, I was incredibly drunk and couldn’t use a cohesive naming structure, so I began naming thing randomly, and quite honestly it is a mess… Previously bugs were fixed via the Microsoft method, you know, just keep added code until it works kinda right… Instead of going back to the beginning and rewriting it? That’s what I did, and I greatly regret it now. The code is a mess. I mean I wrote the stuff and had trouble following along.

But, it is still my brain child, and I love it very much. I spent many sleepless nights working on it, and it is a majority of the reason the laptop keyboard is so destroyed, and hardly works. But, I broke down tonight, and re-examined this damn abomination, and now…

I really wish I would have left the fucking bugs!

 

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