The following, as much as I wish it wasn’t, is completely true. It is a tale of pain, horror, and sorrow. This is one you may want to block from young children. The only reason I am sharing this now is purely for your amusement… But, please don’t be cruel.
Day: Tuesday, February 8, 2011 @ approximately 1304.
As many of you know, on Tuesday’s I am in class all day, also as many of you know, I have a severe problem using public bathrooms.
So, what has caused me to write about this absurd fear once again? Let me take you on a journey.
So, I am sitting in the quiet room between classes doing a little reading when suddenly I need to expel some gas, and as a courtesy I step outside under the pretense of having a cigarette. It is during this break that I realize I do in fact have to poop, and not in one of those “Oh, I think that I might have to eventually poop. Maybe.” sort of ways. No, I am talking about a classic pull down your trousers, sit on the thing nearest you and release. A classic “Code Brown,” if you will.
So, I decide that I can make the journey to Meijers (less of a chance of running into someone I actually know, and its only a 3 minute trip).
Now, I am the bathroom, and already I am feeling anxious. I mean what if someone comes in? After a quick surveillance I realize there is no one in here. Time for a powerpoop! So, I sit down, and begin my “business.”
The next thing I know, I hear the bathroom door burst open. Like it’s the Nazi SS Shitting party, and they’ve come to take me away. As all bodily functions stop. I am terrified, I can no longer do what I need to do. I decide I will “finish,” take my leave and return when it is safe.
I start to stand up when the guy in the bathroom stall next to mine, decided to start a conversation.
I was hoping, no I was praying, that he wasn’t talking to me, but in a moment of utter horror, I realize two very distinct things: 1) there is no toilet paper in my stall anywhere, and 2) this guy is talking to me. Who the fuck does that?
And then I realize something else, I recognize this guys voice. I can’t tell from where, but I fucking know it.
Then the unthinkable happens.
Him: “Is that you, Nick? Don’t fuck around, I know those goddamn shoes!”
I start sweating, my stomach cramps, my legs starts trembling, my throat itches, my eyes dry up. Trying to disguise my voice, I reply….
Me: “Excuse me? My name is Trevor.”
Him: “Quit fucking around, your name is Nick, you sit next to me in Wireless Networking and I sit behind you in Ethics…”
Me: Screaming in my head… Shit, shit, shit! I do know this guy…. Fuck! “…” As I am struck with another round of stomach cramps, I grunt.
Him: “Having problems bro? You just gotta relax and let that shit flow out!” As he burst into laughter I groan again, and almost start crying.
But I am trying to keep calm, I am trying to keep calm, and yet I am panicking more and more by the fucking second. My cover is blown, now I just trying to find a way to extract myself. “Mission’s fucking over man! Pack up your shit, we’re coming to get you. You’re heading home boy”
Me: “Please, for the love of God, please stop talking to me!” I start tearing apart a magazine, I have got to get the fuck out of this bathroom.
Him: “Hey man, it’s cool… There’s no toilet paper over there is there? Don’t lie to me, I can hear that magazine ripping.”
Me: Fuck his Vulcan hearing! Fuck his Vulcan Hearing! Fuck his Vulcan hearing! FUCKHISVULCANHEARING! As meekly as I can I reply, “no.” That’s it I’m beaten.
Him: “Oh man! Why didn’t you just say something?” I hear some ruffling around, and then I hear a flush. Thinking I’m about to receive some toilet paper, I rejoice. Then I catch something out of the corner of my eye. I look up. This fucker is standing on the toilet in the stall next to me, peering into my stall, handing me a wad of toilet paper, like it is the most natural thing in the world to hang out with someone while they are attempting to use the restroom.
Me: “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?!?”
Him: “Trying to give your crazy ass some fucking ass wipe, do you want it or not?”
Me: “I mean why the fuck are you standing on a toilet, looking over the stall wall, into my stall, to give me fucking toilet paper!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Couldn’t you hand it under the wall or something!?!?!?!?!?!?!”
Him: “…… Yeah, I guess I could have. Whatever, so do you want it or not?” I reach up grab the paper, he drops away and I think I am safe.
Him: “Alright man, catch you later.”
I finish my business and leave as quickly as possible. Upon leaving the bathroom, I silently thank the gods that I am alone at last. I walk out of the bathroom, determined to go buy something (a tiny notebook to write this down on), and I enter the store. A minute into the store, I hear his voice, he has seen me…
He decides he needs to shop with me, like we are now best fucking friends. So we walk around for a bit. I decide I need to leave, and upon exiting the store, I all but run to my car. Thankfully, he didn’t show up to class tonight. I am only praying that he forgets about the situation by the next time I see him.