You guys are a bunch of sick fuckers… You know that? I’ve noticed some trends with Fisch Fail, INC., and that trend is: we get the most traffic on days I discuss my “adventures” and/or tell a story about poop.
So today I was speaking with Luz and Eldwardo. They both agrees I have to tell you a story.
Let me preface this story with this: this story is completely true, as are all my stories. Also, I’ve always been pretty good at getting out of tickets, this is one of those tales.
So when I was about 20, I was going to my parents house to poop. This was early afternoon, probably around 300pm or so. I was in my parent’s neighbourhood, when I saw those amazing red and blue lights start glowing behind me. I pulled over to the side of road, the officers walks up to the car.
He simply asks “Where ya’ going?”
I smile, awkwardly, and reply “I’m sorry officer, for whatever it is I might have done. I’m just going home. I’ve got that stomach flu that has been going around and I really need to go to the bathroom. If you would like you can follow me there, I am just trying to get there, before its too late.” Ominously, I added “If you know what I mean.”
It was about that time my stomach actually began turning knots and my face twisted into a mirror of discomfort.
He smirks, “Nice try. License and registration please…” I reluctantly hand them over, and he returns to the squad car.
This was not my first time being pulled over, I knew I had about a minute to figure something out. Then it hit me, like a case of unexpected diarrhoea. I’ve got to poop. I am not too proud to do what I need to.
Time is running out, I see the officer start to exit his vehicle once more. It’s now or never. I let it go.
That is right, at the age of 20 I pooped myself to get out of a ticket I fully deserved.
As he approached the car, the look of discomfort on my face was no longer a mask. I was incredibly uncomfortable. Then the smell hit him. He was taken back, he just wasn’t expecting it. He covered his mouth, gagged a bit, handed my license back. “…You’re free to go.”
I thanked the officer and pulled away slowly. Walking into my parents house, my dad looked up and asked.
“Did you shit yourself? Boy, you’re 20 years old, it better be for a good reason…”
I smiled sheepishly, and replied “I did, but I got out of that fucking ticket…”
He smiled and started laughing, “That’s mah boy!” He cried out. That day, we had a very strange bonding moment, that neither of us will ever forget.