I’d first like to start this off by saying some of the craziest shit happens to me at work. Well some of you may or may not know that I work at a multimillion dollar insurance agency. Actually, I work midnights at a gas station. We get all kinds of unbelievable occurrences. People set the pumps on fire, pass out in our lawns, shit in our trash cans, piss on employee cars, driving off with with pumps still in their tanks– taking the hose with them, and a first for me today a woman paying for and pumping gas into vehicles parked at the pumps. No seriously! I’d have people come in to pre-pay and she’d already had run her card and began pumping. She did this more than once, like five cars before I finally stopped her. Her excuse was that she thought it was her car. That’s right, thought it was her car… five times.
However, you don’t want to hear about these. Based on the views we get you want to hear about poop. Now, I know I’m not normally the one who does these kinds of stories. All the same this was too tragic of an incident not to share. I actually– unlike other authors, can poop in public places. This doesn’t bother me as I usually make a nest or hover over the bowl like the moon from Majora’s Mask, and pray for little to no splashback. Though, mind you I work at a gas station. There is an extra level preparation needed to fully cleanse it. We’ll get into that later.
It all started when I ventured to a nearby burger joint for dinner. This is where I thought it would be a grand idea to pick up the worst creation known to man, a jalapeno slider. Can you see where this going? Because I didn’t. That’s why I got five! I then head to work to go about my day. Cleaning the store, ringing customers, and dealing with the aforementioned woman. At first all is well and good, then I step outside for a smoke around midnight.
I’m not sure if it was lodged in my small intestines waiting for a chance to strike, and the cigarette was the trigger. Who knows, all I know was it was going to be leaky and explosive had I not done something fast. I walk inside to prepare everything for my poop. Yes, there are actually things I need to set aside to poop in my place of employment. I grab the industrial sanitizer, my own personal TP, some heavy duty paper towel, and my hand-held gaming station to pass the time whilst I poop. In setting these things aside six cars pull up and all want to be helped.
It’s at this moment in my life I’ve never worked harder or faster. All the time I was ringing up these customers I kept thinking. “Fuck! I need to get rid of these people or this could be very disastrous.” There were a few people who didn’t know what pump they were on, or type of cigarettes they wanted. These people are actually lucky I didn’t punch them in the face right there. It was very clear I was impatient with them.
So the last customer had been serviced, and I sent them on their way. I lock the doors, and put up the sign that says “Back in one minute”. Now, I want to stop right there. I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell can’t drop a deuce in one minute. I actually made my way into the restroom. Now, for the cleaning ritual. I spray down the seat, wipe it down, and make a nest of the super paper towels. I put my own TP on the back of the toilet. As I sit down and load up the original version of a popular small monster catching game on my hand-held game system.
As I sat there I noticed the second shift didn’t stock the toilet paper. This is no concern to me now, so I figure I’ll stock it when I’m done. However, it becomes a big concern later trust me. As I am sitting there, not even a few minutes I hear the store’s outside door shake. As if someone trying to open it but can’t because it’s locked. I get this from time to time, so no big deal I thought. A little wile longer I hear him knocking, then pounding, this guy clearly needs to get into the store.
Meanwhile, I am dealing with a situation of explosive ass burning liquid shits. What would be normally a five to ten minute process for me has now become a fifteen minute fiasco. All the while this guy still outside beeping his horn, screaming, pounding the door. I set my game system on my lap (bad idea), and lift my body up enough to reach the TP behind me. My game station hits the edge of the bowl and my testis but falls to the outside of the bowl, hitting the floor thankfully. However, in my mind I felt I still needed to catch it. So I jump back slamming into the tank, and lunging forward as to catch it. All of a sudden I hear ‘bloop’. Remember what I put on the back of the tank? That’s right! My TP.
It’s now floating in my poop soup, noting about this poop was solid, making my next steps very, very agonizing. I think “Fuck what do I do!” I turn around real fast hoping to find at least handful of dry paper towel I could use. Accidentally knocking my nest in it’s entirety into the bowl as well. I am almost brought to tears as I see the paper towel holder is as barren as the toilet paper roll. I am literally cursing second shift at this point. Wishing the same hell on them that they had brought upon me.
Now I attempt the most desperate move. I wait for it to be quiet. Hoping the angry guy outside the store is gone. I clench me cheeks pull up my pants and hope to a pull a crab-walk to the ladies room. I peak my head outside the bathroom. Now my store has a huge front window and the restrooms are right down the hall making it easy to see outside the store from them. However, it’s also easy to see the restrooms from outside the store. As soon as I peek out I see the man standing right there. He screams at me “What the fuck are you doing!? Open the goddamn door!” I retreat into my little hole as it’s not safe to venture out.
I’m literally trapped in this bathroom with nothing to wipe my ass and a very angry costumer outside. I’d need to get inventive, and fast. Now this next part I’m not particularly proud of, but it needed to be done. I notice floating in the brown mess my TP which had fallen in had not completely been engulfed in shit. There was in fact a small, let me emphasize this, small, SMALL, section of it. As I stand over the bowl the smell of shit so strong I almost pass out, I begin pealing back layers of the dry TP. No piece bigger than my thumb.
I finally get enough to clean my ass, which is now worse than before, due to the attempted crab-walk. I walk out of the bathroom, and open the store doors. Yes, the man still waiting outside. He comes in screaming. “What the fuck were you doing!? Your sign says back in one minute! I was out there forty five minutes!” The man was obviously drunk and I was in no mood for dealing with any more shit. Get it? Get it? So I simply told him I would train my bowels to his schedule. It was this what truly pissed him off. He mumbled more curses, and threatened to never come back. Which made me say the first thing to come to my mind. Granted not the best thing, but then again I have a habit of not thinking. I reply with a “that would be a blessing.”
He is now demanding I sell him his gas, and threatening to call corporate. So I sell him the gas against my will, and he gets in his car and drives off, without pumping his gas. Either he was to drunk or too pissed to realize this. Sadly, he paid with a card so when I canceled it, it just went back on his card. However, I did catch the license plate long enough to inform the city’s police department of a drunk driver.