This post is about a subject very near and dear to me.
…That it’s on my face.
My beard is a lovely thing, at times growing out of control like an old plant in need of some love, other times kept religiously clean and free of all stray hair.
I remember the beginning of my beard, though it was very long ago. Everyone in the hospital gazed in disbelief at my small, infant form, a covering of dark fur already gracing my face. As she looked upon that beautiful beard my mother knew she wouldn’t throw me out the window, and that I was destined for greater purpose.
My how my beard is ever-changing! Sometimes shorter than I wanted it to be, sometimes long enough for a Beard Battle.
Wtf is a Beard Battle, you ask?
Well, o uneducated one, I will teach you.
We as men have a few things we are entitled to: i.e. childish outbursts for no given reason, collecting expensive horseshit for no given reason, smelling like ass for no given reason, etc. But as men we are encouraged, no… obligated to grow a beard like a retarded vagabond at least once in our shorter-than-women’s lifetimes. With this beard that we grow, even for a brief time, comes dire responsibility. If another man with a more wondrous face-fro marches by proudly (as he always should)…
Both men must uphold his honor by crashing violently against one another’s beards, rubbing like a fisherman’s salt-chaffed thighs, until the inevitable submission of one unfortunate beard-warrior.
Hope to Odin that is not you.
Shamed by the defeat, the loser must immediately shave off his beard at once with the straight razor in his pocket (we all carry one…). This offending facial failure can be part of the winners collection of destroyed beards, for him to display as he pleases.
I usually will never boast, but I can tell you…
I’ve taken at least thirteen beards.
If you wish to challenge me (and I know you will) you may email me, but pay heed…
…for my beard is not merely a man-hedge, but a sculpture born for the thrill of taking the beards of others.
You have been warned.
- Beard News: ‘Fake Beard’ Bank Robber Caught, Tom Sturridge Bushy Beard, What it’s like with a beard? … (redbeardedoctopus.wordpress.com)
- Belgians Grew Beards to Protest Lack of Government: REVOLT (redbeardedoctopus.wordpress.com)
- How to Shave & Trim Your Beard (moneysupermarket.com)
- Beard News: Latest Zelda Ad Sees Robin Williams’ Beard Return (VIDEO) (redbeardedoctopus.wordpress.com)