Bahn Hammür, or How I Learned To Stop Bitching and Love The Show.

Posted: August 14, 2012 by drezirale in Entertainment, Nerd, WTF
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
Dark Horse Comics

Dark Horse Comics (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So WordPress it’s been some time yes? Well I figured this would be as good a time as any to post as this it all fresh in my head. Normally I avoid names of corporations and people, but this is just not one of those posts. I wish it was, I really do but I just can’t do this that way. Before I begin this somewhat of a rant I really think I should delve out some apologies to avoid those nasty legal issues and hate mail/email/tweets/whatever your medium.

My apologies to the following: FischFail authors, FischFail readers, any particular minority group that takes offense to the rant to follow, the German peoples, people trying to learn new languages, victims of rape from a fatherly figure, followers of the Asatru religion, those offended by swear words, Hulu, the nerd community, readers of comic books, those who watch film and television, NBC Universal, people who like to bitch a lot, victims of the Aurora Colorado tragedy and their families, Heath Ledger friends/family/fans, Anne Hathaway, Jake Gyllenhaal, Christopher Nolan, DC Comics, Marvel Comics, Dark Horse ComicsWalt Disney co. (I actually hit you guys a lot so I want to make you bold), Warner Brothers Entertainment, the homosexual community, Capcom, cutters, 20th Century Fox, People who enjoy classic literature, and the Japanese.
If I missed you and you were offended I apologize for offending you and missing you. Nice huh? You get two.
If you are offended people get two or more when you get less I apologize for that.
If you feel you deserve more for missing you I apologize. {n(x) Go to 13 or 26 depending on your resolution} x = Infinity
If I have not offended you… Fuck you, and I apologize.

Now that the ass saving portion is out of the way lets get down to the brass tacks shall we? So I have recently gotten into the NBC show Grimm. the new season actually already started, I was just catching up on Hulu. If you have never seen it I’m sorry but Hulu had some lame ass time limit on and now you have to have HuluPlus to watch them. I almost didn’t make the time limit myself. I would have been really pissed had I not been able to continue. I digress, Hulu was cool for a hot second now they grubs for the cash, not my point. My point is I went online to find different theories and fan interpretations of the show once I had been caught up. This is what I do, I’m really lame about this, deal with it. However, I was distraughten… Hold on, I know what you are thinking “Distraugten? That’s not a word.” Well if NBC Universal can make up fucking words then so can I. Oh, well I’m getting ahead of myself now, just bare with me. My point is soon to come. Did you notice how I just rambled on for three paragraphs without getting to the meat of this post? Kind of annoying right? (See Apologies Section: Fichfail Readers.)

Right, so I was distressed to see many people actually do not care for this show. This would not normally bother me save for the fact that these reasons, to be quite frank are… kind of fucking stupid. Don’t get me wrong, I have my share of not caring for things for stupid reasons myself, but I don’t bitch about it. Trust me, I’ll get into that later. For now, lets just focus on the topic of the Grimm tv show. I saw people bitching about how the races of the creatures make very little sense or were the “wrong word” to describe them. There were people posting blogs such as this one in hopes the network producers will see the error of their ways. Lets get something straight first of all. Networks do not care about small time blogs much like this one. The reason I have some of them listed in the apologies section at all is for a jovial tone. I mean really, we describe in great detail our experiences taking a shit. Do you really think big network wants to take us seriously? No, the only thing networks look at individuals is if you steal from them or the ever rare audience poll. You know, for rating and what have you.

This aside, there is another aspect of the problem that is wrong. The fact that this show is using the “wrong words” to describe things. I want to make this very clear that it’s a fiction show! Thus, who really gives a fuck. If you don’t like it turn it the fuck off. You want NBC to know how wrong they are? Show them what one less viewer does to them. Note: Sarcasm does not portray well through text. Though the show is loosely based on the tales of The Grimm Fables, and loosely is heavily implied here. The races of the people are entirely made the fuck up. they could be called Gofukyerselvin and I wouldn’t care. This is because, aside from the main character no one is based on any one concrete story or fable. Even still, I my opinion it’s better then what happened when Walt Disney got his rapacious hands on the stories. You can at least admit they are dark like The Brothers Grimm intended.

The only other problem I have with this is the people who say these things. I will be willing to grant leniency to people who German is their first language. Even more so those who speak Old Germanic as a first language, seeing as how the original text of the Grimm books were written in that and I’m assuming where some of the naming of the races in the tv show come from. I’m sure NBC can hire teams of people who can fluently speak the aforementioned languages. You know because it’s a better way to spend money than keeping Eureka running for a few more seasons, but no, I’m not bitter or anything. My point is however, who are you to say what’s right unless you can fluently speak the language. There were a few people that claim they are Germans in Germany who speak German. For this, I call bullshit. This is due in part to the fact there are several references to Adolf Hitler and an episode with his image. Now correct me if I’m wrong but does not the German government try to lock that shit away and any knowledge of it like a teenage girl trying to repress the memory of her father molesting her in a drunken fit? Like, I think people can get arrested and shit over there for even mentioning his name. Though, I could be wrong and then these people would have a bit more of a valid standing point.

Though this actually got me thinking about other art mediums people have bitched about. Take for instance the movie Thor. Those who like/follow Norse Mythos know there were no black people in Ancient Scandinavia. Thus, there would be no black people in Valhalla. The people who told these stories were Norse and so the people they wrote/told about would also be Norse. This is not racism, it’s just simple historical fact. Though, in the movie there was Heimdall blacker than a svartálfar. The truth of the matter is even in the comics he’s still Norse. I know these comics are not exactly accurate to the story of Thor a lot of the time but he was still Norse. This was because of what I like to call the Nick Fury effect. Nick Fury himself was also a white male but after the Iron Man movie they decided to cast him as a black man. Then shortly after, poof, suddenly black in all other media. I actually welcome this, I feel Nick Fury was meant to be a black guy. However, when comics were in their infancy was between the 20’s-50’s. Can you think of a race that wasn’t to popular during that time period? So because the business was was dominated by white males, most of the characters were… white males. Do you sense a pattern here? Read back up by the Norse Mythos section if you don’t really get it.

So in order to actually break into the media these minority groups have to speak up against current reproductions of old stories that do not include them. To some of you it may not seem fair to have something you grew up knowing as one thing change like that on the screen. The problem is you really cannot do anything about. The big film industries are going to listen to the minority groups rather than a bunch of comic nerds and vikings. The fact of the matter is after two hundred or so years of oppression, they’ve gotten a lot more organized and better at bitching than you. One particular instance was the Capcom game Resident Evil 5. There was this big sphell about how it’s wrong that all the zombies were black… in Africa… you know where all black people can trace their heritage to. So now they want black people taken out of this game. I know right? First you want to be put in media, now you want to be taken out? Make up your fucking mind. I personally did not know what came of this because I shut the game off within five minutes and never touched it again. Not because of this debacle mind you, because it just really fucking sucked. The shit made Final Fantasy 7 look playable. So I tried that again… and wanted to slit my wrists with the three broken disks. Square-Enix and fans of Final Fantasy 7 you will find there is no apology for you. You know what you did…

Though I am not without my bias. Luz-Ob will attest this one. I refuse to go see Dark Knight Rises in theaters. I’m a huge fan of Batman and everyone thought I was going to see it opening night. First of all, fuck paying $13 for ANY fucking movie. It could be Pleasure Sex Eyeball Fuck 3 in 5D for all I care and I’ll still wait until the matinee. My main issue with this the fact that a white guy was playing Bane. “But Drez what about your Thor rant?” First of all, fuck you no one is perfect. Secondly, I didn’t say I agree with the choice for Heimdall, just Fury. Thirdly, Bane’s race is pivotal to origin story. Going back to my Thor rant no Heimdall’s race is not really pivotal to his origin but all the same do not agree. Fury, not pivotal and I accept it. I’m also not a fan of Catwoman’s outfit. It’s almost as if they stole Black Widow’s out fit and put cat ear’s on it. Now, these are minor issues I have with the movies. Hell, based on these things alone I’d still go see them. I’m just a huge DC fan and hold all of their movies to a ridiculously high standard that no one meets. I have just never seen a DC movie I liked. The animated shows are great, and I adore the comics, any thing Bruce Timm or Grant Morrison touch is gold. I can never get into the movies. The Marvel movies are great. Maybe it’s because they know what they are doing or maybe I just don’t have that high standards for Marvel being not that big of a fan, although I worry about the next Avengers movie. If I see another Skrull I think I’ll kill myself. All I know is DC movies are not as good as I would wish them.

Even though the Nolan films are closest to the comics they still pale in comparison to what they could be. They actually really suck and it’s rather depressing they do so good in the box office. I have a theory on this, I believe that it’s all on the media hype. I mean look at the numbers in comparison Batman Begins did $75mil versus the $160mil of both Dark Knight and Dark Knight Rises for opening weekend. It’s simple, the plot of the movie was the same in all three movies, same dark setting, same batman, same “genius” director. What could be different? I’ll tell you, the tragedy surrounding them. I mean with Dark Knight you had the death of Ledger, and with Dark Knight Rises you had the shootings. Both of which tragedies I know, but in an economic sense you can’t buy that kind of publicity. I mean shit, after all of that got out how many people do you think the Batman films were more “edgy” and “dark” and wanted to go for some sick thrill of being somehow connected to a tragedy. I’m human too, don’t think it hasn’t crossed my mind. Everyone has thought of it and it’s normal. So don’t go around thinking I’m crazy like the asshole who shot those people, because I’m not. I just happen to say what’s on my mind and everyone’s.

The Dark Knight got it’s fame because of Ledger’s death. Everyone was all talking about his role and how great he was. Well, that’s bullshit too. Ledger wasn’t the best Joker, even John DiMaggio did a better job then him. I grew up with Hamill  as my Joker and in my eyes has captured every aspect The Joker needed. Yes, The Joker is dark but he’s also very animated. The point here I’m trying to make is Heath Ledger was a great actor but a shit Joker. Perhaps if he stuck to hitting people with sticks on horses and taking Jake Gyllenhaal to pound town he’d still be alive. Don’t think for a second either that the people behind the Dark Knight franchise didn’t market on that. The only reason Anne Hathaway got to be Catwoman was the first degree of six in relation to Ledger. If you actually sit down and watch the movie without thinking about Ledger’s death you’ll see what I mean and maybe someday I’ll watch Dark Knight Rises when it’s free on the tv. Though as it stands it’s not looking good.

To wrap all of this up bitching never stops anything. None of these big companies will change their ways and the Batman movies will never live up to my standards. Even me bitching about people bitching, which is what this whole post is anyway will never stop them. Even I won’t stop bitching long enough to listen to my own hypocritical advice. The way it works is you either accept status quo or you get in the business and change it yourself. Now you may wonder if this is the way I think then why did I do all of this bitching? Well, bitching to a smaller audience has it’s advantages. If at least one person who thinks bitching about things they can’t change is a good way to go reads this, then I can hope to change the way they see the world. Hopefully, this can spread and we can have a nation of people who want to change shit instead of bitching….. or we become a bunch of defeatists like the Japanese, you know, whatever works.

  1. Grimnir says:

    Bravo, I admire your conviction. Now, I may not agree with you on the Batman movies, but that’s simple to explain, you and I come at batman from very different origins. and you have a very specific vision for the way things should be. But the difference is I don’t get butthurt just because you and I disagree. Haters gonna hate, just keep on keepin on.

    • drezirale says:

      You can like them all you want. I respect that. I don’t often bitch about Batman. In fact the only other time I expressed how I feel about the movies was when Luz-Ob asked me if I was going to see the new one. I was bitching to illistrate the point that I cannot change how they are much like those bitching about Grimm cannot change things just by bitching alone.

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