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This was originally planned to be a submission for 5 Things To Do Today, however I feel they may be a little too clean to actually post anything by us, even though they do follow us and for that we are grateful.

But enough about that, let us begin. This is going to be a bit different from all our other posts. This story is going to be a real-life honest-to-goodness genuine list! Or something like that.

First let me start off by saying that I am 25 years old, and I am now officially considered an adult by all “logic.” Now I am not saying I am the most intelligent guy around, I still have a lot to learn. In fact, most days I feel a little…

derpy…

But one that I can say I have learned for certain is this: Sometimes being an adult fucking blows… One day you are a care-free child and the next day you are getting bitch-slapped by reality. Time to get a job,. Time to move out. Time to clean up after yourself. All this shit causes stress, and eventually all these stresses add up and cause people to make ridiculous decisions, like hunt down a wild walrus and… PUNCH THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN THE FACE!

But that not exactly the point of this story, which is how to help alleviate some of the bullshit rattling in your head and making your nearly miserable (or telling you to kill your coworkers).

1. Start a Nerf war: You and the people you live with shoot the piss out of each other with Nerf guns. Don’t have any? Go buy a couple, some of them are actually surprising cheap. Live on you own? Post it on facebook and tell all your other unhappy adult friends to join in. Simple as that.

Nerf gun collection

Holy shit! Do you see how much firepower this motherfucker has? Fucking war zone for days!

And you know a motherfucker is serious about Nerf when their collection includes a fucking paint ball mask!

2. Build a fort and defend that shit!: You know how to do this, gather up all the furniture, furniture pieces (i.e. cushions), bedding, and other shit that you can fin, then build a kick-ass fort. With this you are only limited by your imagination.

Now comes the kicker: Imagine some shit is attacking your awesome fort of what the fuck!? Need some help? Goblins and/or orcs are attacking your shit trying to rape the stronghold and pillage your forces. Maybe you built the Bat-Cave and the fucking joker is attempting to break in and fuck up all your cool toys. Or maybe, just maybe that walrus you punched out of rage is pissed, decided to gather up a bunch of his walrussy buddies and is now marching on the keep for revenge!

Horker from skyrim

Individually this motherfucker isn’t scary at all, but when you multiple him by 20,000 and they are all marching to a sick beat, shit gets real.

Now, you may be asking “but, how do I defend my new kick-ass fort?” Pro-tip: remember that Nerf war you had? Bingo! All the fucking fire power in the world. Show those walrus bastards the true meaning of “The Expendables.” Or just use finger and eye lasers to put an end to the attackers tyranny and get plenty of meat to feed your soldiers… It is going to be a long winter.

3. Build some other shit: Maybe,you are such an awesome adult that all your friends are coming over for some fancy-schmancy shindig (pro-tip: Nerf guns turn shindigs into fucking epic parties… Scientifically proven fact), and you can’t use your furniture to make a fort… Currently (pro-tip: forts make awesome conversation pieces). So what is a person to do now?

Go grab some Lego’s, Lincoln Logs, Erector Set, Tinker Toys, something! Now take that constructable toy of choice and make some shit. Doesn’t matter what, build something that interests you; a car, a house, a fucking dinosaur. Build it and have some fucking fun…

Life size Lego house

That is right, motherfuckers, that is a life sized house… Made of fucking Lego’s… By a fucking adult! I don’t want to hear shit about being too old for such “trivialities”

4. Watch some television:If you’re reading this, chances are you have a computer with some type of net connection, and if not, teach me your ways, oh powerful wizard of the dark ages!

You want to know a really cool secret about the Internet? Sure ya’ do! There are literally hundreds of websites (some might be a little sketchy) that allow you to watch television. Right from your computer! And that means you don’t even have to put on pants after you have completed you questionable daily adult entertainment industry “research.” You perv…

So after you have completed the research for the day, find a show you grew up watching and play that shit on full blast! Don’t think about it, just watch it and let your mind return to a happier, simpler time.

Picture of original Power Rangers

Seriously, do you guys even realize how excited I am that this shit is finally coming to DVD?

5. Make a game:Seriously, take a bunch of random-ass bullshit and make a fucking game with it. Create very basic rules (that constantly change to benefit you and no one else). Once you have finished creating “the single-most awesome game of fuck-sauce ever created!” invite all you cool adult friends over to play the shit!

LOL I Win

By the way, this is cover for the box of your fucking game. Sorry I do need some control here.

Pro-tip (Damn, I am being awfully fucking generous with the pro-tips tonight!): When they all show up hide in your awesome fort, blaring the theme to:

and defend the shit out of the motherfucker with your Nerf gun armory and robotic attack minions you created with the Erector Set (or whichever awesome toy you chose earlier).

Fight for your fucking life, because tomorrow it is back to being a boring-ass semi-miserable adult.

As always, you guys: Remember to  have a little down time and make fun of life… It is the only one you get, you might as well enjoy it.

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Comments
  1. drezirale says:

    We are doing this!
    Fuck all the other games we play with each other.
    http://tinyurl.com/mktyj6

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