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So I had a terribly evil and horrible idea a while ago while looking back at one of my favorite nerdy news blogs, Topless Robot. A former writer of said blog named Rob Bricken had a weekly post called Fanfiction Friday that I found to be disturbing, disgusting and so god damn funny it hurt. Unfortunately like all the good things in my life it ended when he moved on to (what I hope are) bigger and better things writing for i09. He did continue to do FFF on io9 for a while it was shut down after it was decided that being on the much lager site FFF looked like the big bad guy picking on the small, defenseless writers. This makes me a sad panda. SO after having to much to drink and reading some of my favorite FFF posts I decided to try my hand at this bit of satire.

So now that where this idea came from is out of the way I should probably explain what the unholy hell this is about. Basically I will be presenting a piece of fanfiction with my reactions as I read through it. Think of it like Mystery Science Theater 3k but with graphically disturbing fanfiction instead of terrible films.  Hopefully in my drunken state I can at least bring a bit of a chuckle out of any poor souls who happen upon this post and are unfortunate enough to read what I have. My other goal is to cause any of the writers of Fisch Fail to start vomiting uncontrollably, but that’s only because I love them so much.

In any case I should probably get this started.

Today’s story is called “WHAT’S 25 FEET TALL AND COMES IN PINTS?”.

Yep a Jurassic Park fanfiction by Michael Collins (I hope the writer didn’t use his real name). May god have mercy on my soul.

Listen to the following while reading for an extra special experience!

The heavy tropical rain battered down upon the newly laid road surface harder than a nurse’s fists on Stephen Hawking’s face. Although the sun had not yet fully set, the dark clouds cast an oppresive blackness over the terrain as the two gaudily painted electric land-rovers slowly passed the Tyrannosaur paddock and ground suddenly to a halt.

>Little known fact, Stephen Hawking is a sexist ass so that nurse had every right to beat on him.

“What?” Asked Doctor Alan Grant – Jurassic Park’s consultant palaeontologist, “What did I touch”? His colleague, Doctor Ian Malcolm, just stared out of the window silently and quietly lamented the fact that of all the things Grant may have touched, he wasn’t one of them.

>Yeah I remember the gay tension was overflowing. Probably had something to do with the gaudy paint job.

“I must have touched something!” Grant continued, “This happens all the time! Machines hate me, it must be my fault”. “Machines hate you?” Malcolm asked absently, noticing the way the palaeontologist’s shoulder muscles rippled beneath his shirt like a bunch of very sexy tigers on a treadmill. Boy, what Malcolm wouldn’t give for a go on that treadmill….

>That sounds like a very painful treadmill, full of claws, teeth and bestiality.

Meanwhile in the other car, Donald Gennaro – one of InGen’s main attorneys – was getting restless. Those damn kids in the back seat had been winding him up relentlessly since this failure of a guided tour had begun, with their sickening renditions of “the wheels on the bus” and stupid goddamn dinosaur jokes (“A ‘doyouthinkhesaurus’ my ASS!” he had shouted angrily, “grow the FUCK up, kid!” The children had just laughed at him in reply. Goddamn little bastards)! This park wasn’t built to entertain kids, for god’s sake, it was built to make *money*! Couldn’t they understand that?!? His trail of thought was interrupted by one of them – the boy – rummaging through some expensive looking equipment. Christ, he wished they didn’t have to return safely! It made him so angry – he had to relieve some of the tension! Carefully, so the children in the back seat wouldn’t notice what he was doing (it was dark enough to provide some cover), Gennaro unzipped his fly and gripped his member firmly, sneakily manipulating it with his hand until it stood to firm attention. With his throbbing purple head resting in his palm, he filled his mind with thoughts of money and began to quietly jerk off beneath the cloth of his expensive gucci shirt.

> “Yeah you’re a dirty, dirty boy aren’t you Ben Franklin! Just like that Grant! Okay, I’ll stop now

By now Alan Grant had given up trying to get the touch-screen display to work again. Ah well, he thought to himself, the park was still under development, and there was bound to be the odd glitch or two while they fine tuned everything. He was certain they would send out a couple of gas powered trucks or something to pick them up – they were probably on their way now. There was no hurry, as far as Grant was concerned though – he found he rather enjoyed seeing the sexual frustration on Malcolm’s face as he pretended to “adjust himself”.

>”Adjust himself” is guy code for grabbing your dick in case you didn’t know. Half the battle and all that.

“It’s pretty hot in these cars” he said coyly as he took off his overshirt, inwardly smiling as the mathematician looked fit to burst. He quite liked being a tease, and who knew, maybe it would lead to something else? He was just about to shyly suggest that maybe Malcolm would like to, you know, take off his shirt too when a low, steady thumping noise distracted them both. Malcolm looked at the glass of water he’d snuck a couple of roofies into when Grant wasn’t looking.

>Date rape in Jurrasic Park. This is now a thing and I wish to god it wasn’t.

It began to ripple softly in time to the thumping. Whatever was causing the sound, it was big. Very big. Earth shakingly big, in fact (being a mathematician he based this last assumption on the fact that the earth was indeed being shaken. Mathemeticians are a practical bunch, except when it comes to the matters of the bedroom).

>I did not now this about mathematicians. Well the more you know. The more alcohol I need to forget.

While Malcolm was hitherto occupied, Grant fumbled in his pocket for the durex.

>most trusted condom when dealing with prehistoric creatures.

Back in car two, things were building to a peak for Gennaro. Wild and crazy thoughts of money flashed through his mind as he pulled wetly at his solid uncircumcised lawyercock, his face controting into a sweaty expression of finance-induced orgasm.


So far neither of the kids had appeared to notice, being too preoccupied with some modern technological headgear of some sort. “Just as long as that thing can’t somehow make them magically see in the dark!” he laughed inwardly as his underused ballsack began to build up pressure. Suddenly there was a loud smack against the sunroof of the car, followed by a pair of screams from the back seat. “God. Fucking. DAMNIT!” Genarro muttered to himself as the disturbance caused his member to completely give up on him and turn flaccid. He looked up to see what looked like a bloody goat’s leg dripping red fluid over the sunroof. Goddamn kids and their goddamn practical jokes!” he muttered, before getting out of the car and running over to the public toilets to finish himself off in peace…

>God I know that feeling, every time I start jerking it to US currency some damn kids throw severed limbs at me too.

“What does he think he’s doing?” asked Grant as he saw Genarro pegging it towards the lavatories. “Probably just gone for a wank”, replied Malcolm. “When you’ve gotta beat yourself off, you’ve gotta beat yourself off”!

>That’s the same thing my uncle said as they were dragging him to prison.

Grant nodded in unspoken agreement, and was about to speculate on the lack of necessity for masturbation when two fully grown males were in the same car together, nudge nudge, wink wink, hint hint,

>grope grope, fondle fondle, gay sex gay sex.

when a sign saying “DANGER! 10,000 volts” slammed down onto the bonnet of the Land Rover like a terrible warning from some angry, electrical god who had finally had enough of kids trying to get their footballs off the railway tracks.

>Yep Thor HATES it when kids try that shit. DAMN KIDS STAY OFF MY ODIN DAMN TRACKS!

Completely oblivious to these new developments outside, Gennaro continued to twang his blue-veined custard chucker whilst muttering dirty things about his ‘power of attorney’.

>In case you didn’t know, this is the way all lawyers  masturbate.

By now all the remaining Land Rover occupants were giving the electrified fences their full attention. Horrifyingly, the inches-thick sprung-steel cables were being snapped one by one, plunking and ftinging apart with dreadful onomatopeia!


The noisy sheets of rain slamming against the aluminium car roofs were suddenly drowned out by a huge, bestial roar highly reminiscent of a lion’s, elephant’s and alligator’s vocalisations being mixed together by a dolby-loving sound technician for an early-90′s summer blockbuster

>hint hint, wink wink, nudge nudge, Spielberg Spielberg

as a massive silouhette reared up against the newly destroyed fence, effortlessly striding over the large 50 foot moat that would later appear for some car/gravity drama situation and pacing slowly and menacingly towards the two disabled vehicles. “Boy do I hate being right all the time!” Malcolm whispered to Grant, referring to his predictions that a system as inherently unstable as Jurassic Park would eventually follow a chaotic path. And also his prediction that if a really big tyrannosaurus rex ever burst out of its cage and wandered towards his car he would probably wind up pissing himself. He gently rubbed his hand against his wet crotch and sniffed his fingers. Thank the very gods of chaos he was a little bit freaky and was turned on by urine! He quietly began to rub his gums with the soiled fingers.


“Look at that!” exclaimed Grant, pointing excitedly towards the hulking therapod. As the fabric of his trousers became a tighter fit, the T-Rex began to stalk it’s way over to their car, choosing to ignore the one behind them. Why get the happy meal when you can have a triple-whopper with extra cheese, after all?

>Only at Burger King!

“Keep very still and try not to look rugged” Grant whispered to Malcolm as the behemoth approached, “It’s vision is based on sexual attraction”.

>So its vision is the same as every guy ever? For my RPG fan readers, its vision is like a Player character, it’s based on Charisma score.

The pair of them shivered with fear and erotic anticipation as the beast approached, but there was something about the silouhette that didn’t quite ring true. “Hold on”, said Malcolm, “I thought Hammond said all the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park were female…” Grant was about to explain that the dinosaur DNA InGen had used had been patched up with frog DNA and that frogs were nature’s transexual perverts, when there was an almighty slapping against the windscreen. To their horror and delight, the tyrannosaur had slapped it’s 5 foot long phallus over the car and was smearing it’s prehistoric smegma over the plexiglass surface in an ancient ritual of filthy dinosaur conquest. It roared again, the sound absent of all trace of anything except a titanic sense of lust!

>Scientific Fact: the Trex was sexually attracted to Range rovers. The more you know!

“YES JESUS THAT’S THE MONEY SHOT RIGHT THERE!!!” yelled Genarro from his position in the toilet cubicle as he shot his hot sticky subpoena-juice over his sweaty upper thigh. As he gasped and panted, trying to regain his breath, he noticed that his loud climax had been answered by a guttural howling and the thin wooden walls around him began to shake like a parkinson’s victim on nerve toxins as something approached.


“What the…. what the hell could that be?” he thought to himself, before his world became a torrential hail of splinters. He looked up, and up even further only to see a pale yellow eye as big as his head staring back down at him with a certain look. He recognised that look – it was the look he himself got when his monthly bank statement came through the mail.

>….Oh god I hope not

Genarro gulped as he felt a pair of comparatively small but very muscly two-fingered flid arms wrap themselves around his waist and lift him in the air. His already undone trousers slipped down over his ankles and landed in a heap on the floor beneath as he was raised above the Rex’s midsection.


All too late, he realised what was going to happen. “Oh, oh god NO!” he yelled, “It’ll never fit! You’ll DAMAGE ME!! OH GOD!!! OH SWEET TAP DANCING BUDDHA!!”.


The Rex snorted, and then slammed Genarro against it’s fully erect and scaly Tyrannosword.

>Tyrannosword, available now at Walmart! also NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO

It’s brutal, dripping cockhead forced it’s way between Genarro’s soft, fleshy buttocks and pulled them apart into a diameter of roughly one and a half feet. Genarro bellowed with agony as the member tore through the lining of his colon and thrust it’s way up towards his chest cavity.


Back in the first vehicle, Grant and Malcolm began to jerk off.


The Rex started to thrust it’s backwards pelvis up and down as Genarro slid even further down the length of it’s love-tugger, various viscera and bodily fluids gushing from his mouth. By now he was unable to scream as his injuries were too severe, but as his consciousness began to ebb away for good he found himself realising with a shock that this was exactly the way he had always wanted to go, ever since visiting the New York Museum of Natural History as a child! Although his mouth was by now being broken apart by the tip of the gigantic penis he was now fully surrounding, he just about managed a small smile before he split wetly in two with the sound of bedsheets being torn apart, and smacked onto the floor by the Rex’s feet.


The T-Rex howled again with frustration – it hadn’t quite finished and already the food / mate was broken!

>Happens all the time to Mr. FischFail don’t feel bad.

It bent down and tore apart Genarro’s remains with it’s teeth, gobbling him up to provide more energy for it’s mastodonic lovemaking session. Growling gutturally, it stomped off towards the first vehicle and slammed it’s jaws around the top. “I TOLD YOU NOT TO LOOK RUGGED!” screamed Grant,

>Stupid sexy Malcolm

as the Rex forced the back end of the car over it’s dick and punctured it’s way in through the rear window.

>HOW IS THAT NOT THE MOST PAIN EVER! ok next to what happened to the other guy, but you know, he is(was) a lawyer so he is (was) used to taking things up his ass.

The scientists looked at each other, then at the snake-like appendage worming it’s way between them as the car was lifted up and brutally humped by the reptillian rapist.

>The worst kind of rapist.

“RAR-RARGH-RARGH-RAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!” it bellowed as finally, it came. And how it came!

>Do tell! Oh wait, no, don’t! Please for the love of all things DON’T TELL!

Gallons upon gallons of putrid tyrannosaur semen flooded into the car, filling all available space. The lumpy, sticky, smelly creme-coloured gunk forced it’s way into every orifice in Malcolm’s and Grant’s bodies, choking them violently as they coughed, spluttered, and ultimately drowned in it.




It’s wicked way having been had, the Rex swung it’s hips to the side, dislodging the car and sending it crashing over the precipice into the trees far below. At last, it was sated. As it curled up against the other car and fell asleep hugging it, the trapped children continued to scream and scream themselves hoarse. The Rex just kept hugging the car. It would be the other wheeled creature’s turn soon, but for now it was time to savor the moment….


Well I know I won’t be able to ever enjoy one of my favorite movies ever again. That’s it. I think I’ll go find a bridge to jump off of now. Depending on the reaction I receive this could become a regular thing, but don’t get you’re hopes (or fear as I may do it out of spite) up to high as I have a tendency to be distracted by shiny things and forget I should be posting on this blog. SO feel free to leave suggestions for other horrible demented shit in the comments!

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  1. fischfail says:

    I love it, and it is true. Happens to me all the time. And ErinLovesTheWeb suggested Harry Potter.

  2. luzob says:

    this is an achievement to make me utterly speechless. you win something, i dunno what. i dunno if reinstating you was a great or horrible idea. welcome back, you do get bonus points for finding a fic that utilizes the term “smegma.” Kudos, you debaucherist

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