Author Archive

If it bleeds, it can die.

Posted: June 16, 2015 by fischfail in Random

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Hello everyone.

First and foremost, I would like to thank all of our loyal followers who stayed with us in our time of absence. If I could thank you all personally, I would. And as for the new followers who managed to find our little piece of the Internet, and decided to give us a follow, thank you as well. It really does mean a lot to us.

Now for the purpose of this post…

A long time ago, I spoke briefly about the depression that has plagued my life since before I can remember, and I made the promise to you all that I would never allow those negative thoughts and feelings of my personal life to creep into a blog whose slogan is “Making fun of life…”; there is already enough sadness in the world. This turned out to be easier that I initially thought. The reason being, when I am times of darkness, not only do I have severe writer’s block, but a complete mental block all together. I can’t speak for how everyone feels when dealing with depression, but for me, I lose all sense of self. I lose all sense force of will and all sense of resolve. I feel hollow inside and fragile. And while I do feel as though any one person is attempted to be malicious and cause me to shatter, I do feel that even the slightest touch would cause me to crumble and collapse in on myself.

And yet, despite making this blog as a way to deal with my depression, I never wanted to write while depressed if that makes sense.

And it wasn’t until fairly recently that I was able to put this into words. In fact, very few people have heard that description before today. Just like very few people know me well enough to know that in the past I have considered suicide. And, even attempted it on more than one occasion. Which brings me to my next point.

The other day, I had a dream where I did commit suicide. I won’t go into details regarding it, as I already said there is enough sadness in the world as is. But when I woke up, I realized the dream had really bothered me. Not because I considered it a nightmare (which is another affliction I suffer from), but because I then realized that despite all my best attempts I really do have a plan of action if I ever decide to take my own life again. After a day of feeling down and out of it, I finally broke down in the arms of ErinLovesTheWeb and told her everything. Really opened myself up, probably for the first time in years, maybe ever.

But, it made me realize something. I have a beautiful, strong, generous, and caring support group. And I’ve had it all along. I genuinely felt blessed (which, for those of you who know, is not a term I ever use). This is not to say the depression is “gone,” per se. Just a little more manageable.

For those followers of ours that suffer from depression, anxiety, or any of affliction, I want you to know, that even when times seems the darkest, there is always help and it usually closer than you think.

I can say with certainty that most, if not all, of the authors at Fisch Fail, INC (both past and present) have dealt with some form of depression and darkness as well. And we have all tried very hard to keep that from you, but I want you all to know, that we understand and if you need help, please get it.

As a final note, I would like to say, with a heavy heart, I cannot pretend to guarantee any sort of posting schedule any more. Besides, we all know I wouldn’t be able to stick to it.

I want to thank you all for reading this, and remember, if you need help, it is available.

Thank you and goodnight.

fischfail_sig2


Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is (probably) already done. Also don’t forget to follow my antics (i.e. stupidity) on Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Also, feel free to follow a possible descent into alcoholism at Untappd. Thanks!

Wow, what a weird fucking year.

Another year has come and gone, and like every year it is time for us to reflect on the year’s successes and failures, changes, and lessons learned.

Okay, so in reality we have done a post like this in a few years, however we usually all get together and discuss it. This year is a little different.

So, with no real care regarding the order of events here are some of the things that happened this year.

First, lets begin with one of the unofficial anthems of FFI during 2014.

 

 

For the first 8 months of 2014 there were two posts. A post regarding the sensational band, Baby Metal. And LuzOb’s annual post dedicated to the ringleader of this nightmare, me. It had been a rough year and summer for us all, and we were still reeling from losses and personal demons. We had all talked, extensively, about bringing “The blog” back, but never actually got around to doing anything about it. And once again, FFI almost went the way of the dinosaurs. And despite, continuously getting new followers, fans, and friends, we just couldn’t come back.

Then starting in August, we started posting some regularity again, even hashing out the plans for an event aptly named the #Tacopocalypse. And while the plan was the have the party (where no one fucking comes) before the end of the year, certain other events have prevented that. Don’t worry, we are still planning on having a taco destruction party. Look for it in Q1 (that’s right, some fucking business terms there… Because that’s we are, a business. Or something).

And now onto news that isn’t the same as always (i.e. we have this thing we are going to do… Look, we didn’t do it! Like always.)

Former author Drezirale, who said his goodbyes with us last year (Well, it was a hell of a ride), not only married this year, but also announced they are having a baby. Who would’ve thought?

After a few years of spinning poi, I finally decided to light a pair ablaze and hurl them around my body is a rhythmic pattern. Somewhere a few of the FFI “authors” (yeah, I’m calling you out, ErinLovesTheWeb(who is technically an editor) and Grimnir) have video of this event. Maybe one day they will appear here. Since then, there have been many other such sessions.

Next! Over the years, there have been many authors and contributors who have lived at The house that Fisch Fail, INC. built, and over time many of left the nest (so to speak). And now, the original member, the O.G. if you will has also decided to depart the homestead. Recently LuzOb announced he would be leaving his childhood home, in search of a new life, and while we remain in contact with him, our thoughts are with him. And in case you missed it, here is the list of authors who at one time or another have lived with LuzOb…

Eldwardo
Drezirale
ErinLovesTheWeb
FischFailFrog
Grimnir

In other news, one day I will learn how to use the tools presented here and quit forgetting to do stupid shit (like title the fucking post…).

ErinLovesTheWeb and I moved into a place of our own, finally. It is a crappy little one-bedroom apartment, that works well for us.

One day, I was driving home after a complete shit week, just fucking awful. And LuzOb called me and heard my having an angry explosion. Just flipping out, probably to a dangerous level. A little while he sent me the following message:

“Well our friendship is old enough to drink and I did that whole “learn to help” nonsense as a major. Lemme know what I can do. You’ve been helping me with a lot of nonsense lately too. Throughout my life I’ve had many friends, two actual brothers, and a handful of brothers and sisters through the Theod. There had always been one person whom I’ve called my Brother despite blood relation and even before a spiritual connection. We’ve gone through a lot there 22 years or so, and I want to let you know that you really mean a lot to me. I know things have been a little tricky and rough these past few years but you’ve changed so much for the better. You know those outbursts you had this evening? Those were the norm in the past for you, yet are a rarity now. Look forward, my Brother, for there are great things in store for someone as wonderful as you. Thank you for letting me know there still are those who are strong in body, mind, and heart in this world. Goodnight.”

My drunken mind, began crying. Thank you, Luz. Thank you.

In final news, for this post, and probably the year. After nearly five-years of dating, I finally got the courage to ask ErinLovesTheWeb for her hand in marriage. And as of Christmas Eve, her ring finger is shinier. It is pretty sweet. LuzOb knew about the proposal beforehand (kind of), and he demanded to know the details as they happened. So, when I sent him a picture of ErinLovesTheWeb holding up her hand and glowing / smiling like a fucking lunatic (unfortunately, I am at work and can’t really upload photos, but maybe I will upload it a little later), his reply was:

“I teared up. No lie.”

I love that guy, take that as you will.

For now, friends. I hope your year was good for growth, experience, and life. And if it was not, I am sorry. But, let’s try and make 2015 a good time for us all. Until next year, stay both safe and drunk. Especially stay safe if you are planning on being drunk.

fischfail_sig2

Posted: November 17, 2014 by fischfail in Gaming, Updates
Tags: , , ,

Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is (probably) already done. Also don’t forget to follow my antics (i.e. stupidity) on Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Also, feel free to follow a possible descent into alcoholism at Untappd. Thanks!

The first night is always the hardest. Strangers in a strange land, brought together under stranger circumstances.

Sometimes they trust each other just enough to make it somewhere and almost make a difference. Other times some crazy woman with a bag full of books gets everyone killed off before they even know each others’ names.

This, of course, has all happened before. Many times, but this time is different. I can’t tell you how I know that, but I do…

A new environment. New enemies. New friends. New friends that might become new enemies (and vice-versa!). New weapons. New rules.

More coming soon.

tacopocalypse

In Preparation of the Tacopocalypse

Posted: November 16, 2014 by fischfail in Tacopocalypse, Updates
Tags: , ,

Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is (probably) already done. Also don’t forget to follow my antics (i.e. stupidity) on Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Also, feel free to follow a possible descent into alcoholism at Untappd. Thanks!

In preparation in the upcoming #tacopocalypse, I made a new image for the blog and I encourage any authors to use it freely.

tacopocalypse

 

Also, on a related note, Reddit has has once again provided this blog with an amazing image of the upcoming #tacopocalypse, and that amazing image is:

What time is it?

Holy shit, how perfect is that? Thanks to /u/BobTheBaco for unknowingly creating one of the most perfect images this blog has ever seen.

And, in search of that image, I also found this masterpiece posted by /u/DrRhymes who added this amazing image to the mix.

HappygoluckyDevotedLamb (1)

 

Did you notice the exploding taco in the second image? That is the exact sort of thing I am talking about for #tacopocalypse.

Well, I think that is enough talking about tacos for the day. Have fun followers, and prepare yourselves. #Tacopocalypse is coming.

 

tacopocalypse

Can you taste it?

Posted: November 13, 2014 by fischfail in Tacopocalypse
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is (probably) already done. Also don’t forget to follow my antics (i.e. stupidity) on Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Also, feel free to follow a possible descent into alcoholism at Untappd. Thanks!

Can you?

Can you taste the deliciousness of the taco as it enters your mouth? As you bite down for the first time? Can you feel the bite separate from the rest of the hand held tastiness?

Can you smell the taco fumes wafting throughout the room, filling the air with its delicious hunger-inducing scent?

Are you getting hungry? Are you getting excited to join the Fisch Fail, INC. taco party? Of course you are, don’t be silly.

So I promised an update regarding the Tacopocalypse, and tonight you receive it.

With LuzOb out of state and basically every other author living in the nether (hopefully training for their contributions to the Tacopocalypse), I decided it was time to let everyone in on a little more information.

But first, let’s review.

1) We are throwing a party. No one is supposed to physically join.
2) The idea, you buy / create tacos (recipe of your choice. See how accommodating we are?)
3) You take pictures / video of the before, the during, and the after. We want to see all the dirty taco destruction you have. Smash it into your mouth hole(s?), beat a taco with a baseball bat, throw it at your wife*. We don’t care what you do with the tacos, as long as they get “destroyed,” and you send us pictures or video and possibly hang out in a group chat (how else are we going to get that “Crunch heard ’round the world” sound?).
4) We would prefer you not to submit pictures of “taco poops,” although I don’t believe we are banning them (unless that becomes a major thing).

And that is basically the concept. At this point, you may be saying, “but fischfail, what else could you have to explain?” And I might reply with something like….

A date, motherfucker!

Or…. As close to one as I have currently.

Right now, I am looking at early January… Maybe late December… Maybe I am thinking New Years. I don’t quite know, but I am interested in what everyone thinks about possible date.

Seriously, let us fucking know. And let your friends know. Then have your friends let us know when they think the fucking date should be.

I think that is it for right now. Maybe a non-taco post soon. Maybe.

Maybe ever post from now until then will be about tacos… I guess we might have to wait and see.

And until then. Remember FFI loves you. We show it by staying away for long periods of time.

* Fisch Fail, INC. does not recommend actually chucking tacos at your partner, but if you do happen to toss a taco at them, we do encourage you to, at the very least, get a picture. I mean, otherwise what would have been the point?

Eh, maybe some real news tomorrow. Maybe.

But this weekend for sure. Real news, that is my promise to you.**

**I still suck at promises. Blow me.

Seriously, we love hearing from you guys. I love waking up early in the morning and seeing a bunch of fan stuff. Make it happen more often. Seriously, want to see my face when I see your interactions with us?

FISCH FUCKING FAIL!

FISCH FUCKING FAIL!

And because I haven’t said it in a long fucking time: Welcome to all our new followers. Feel free to interact with us, we are pretty sweet.

fischfail_sig2


Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is (probably) already done. Also don’t forget to follow my antics (i.e. stupidity) on Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Also, feel free to follow a possible descent into alcoholism at Untappd. Thanks!

So, I am dedicating today to story time, motherfuckers.

Most of the authors of this blog (past, present, and possibly future) know of the story of Tyr’s sacrifice. But most have never heard this telling.

And for you readers who have no idea who the fuck I am talking about, allow me to explain.

Today’s story comes from Corey O’Brien… The author of . If you have never gone there, go ahead a read this post and then take a peek. Totally fucking worth it. So, Mr. O’Brien also published a book titled , if you haven’t read it, do yourself a favor, go buy the fucking book and read it.

 

Cover of Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes

Here is what the fucking book looks like.

Okay, now that I have done some promotional work (*cough cough* Mr. O’Brien), let me tell you the fucking story of Tyr’s sacrifice.

This story (located in Zeus grants stupid wishes*) is called “Fenrir is a DILF”.

So one day, Loki’s wandering around Jotunheim
and he sees this chick Angrboða
pronounced ANGER BOW THE
and he is like “Well, I know she’s pretty ugly
and her name is kinda a reference book entry for THE ANGER BOW
but you know what?
I’m gonna tap that
and have three kids with that
and all three of those kids are going to be horrible beasts that bring on the apocalypse.
I see no problem with this.”

So for now, let’s just focus on the first kid:
a giant wolf named Fenrir.
Now Loko brings baby Fenrir to Asgard
and the Aesir all instantly know that this wolf is gonna be the death of them
mainly because it is a GIANT WOLF NAMED FENRIR.
But instead of doing anything about it
they decide to see if they can just raise it as their own
presumably because they don’t want to hurt Loki’s feelings.
So this god Tyr
the god of single combat and being awesome
gets put in charge of feeding Fenrir
because he’s the only person with sufficient testicular mass to actually go near the wolf
and Fenrir gets bigger
and bigger
and holy shit bigger
until the gods start to be like “Uhh…
we should really do something about this wolf.”
So what they do is they make a really big metal chain.
This chain is so incredibly massive
that they don’t feel right until they give it a name
the name is Leyding.
So they go up to Fenrir like “Hey man
I bet you totally can’t break out of this chain.”
And Fenrir is like “Okay, bring it.”
So they tie him up
and he pretty much just breaks the chain like cobwebs
and he gets famous because of that
and the gods are like “Fuck, that backfired.
Okay, let’s make a better chain.”
so they make a chain
that is TWO TIMES AS STRONG
and they name it Dromi
and they go back to Fenrir
like “Bet you can’t break THIS chain.”
And Fenrir is like “I don’t know if I want to let you tie me up again.”
And the gods are like “Don’t you want to be double famous?”
and Fenrir is like “Ugh, okay.”

SO he lets them tie him up again
and he flexes a little, but the chain doesn’t break
so then he kicks the chain, and it does break
and the gods are like “Okay
we definately need a better chain.
Somebody call the dwarves.”
So the dwarves are like “Okay
the mistake you guys have been making
if you have been trying to make a chain
out of actual things that exist
such as metal
instead of abstract concepts
such as the sound of a cat’s footfall
along with the roots of a mountain
the sinews of a bear
the beard of a woman–
remember, these are dwarves–
and the breath of a fish, and the spit of a bird
so that’s why you can’t hear cats walking around
and mountains don’t have roots
and fish don’t breathe, and birds don’t spit
but I think bears still probably have sinews
and I have definitely met me some bearded ladies
so I guess the dwarves were not that thorough.

But anyway
somehow they manage to distill all this shit into THE ULTIMATE CHAIN
Except it’s not a chain, it’s a ribbon called Gleipnir.
It is thin and pink and soft
and the gods go and bring it to Fenrir
and are like “Bet you can’t get out of this ribbon.”
And Fenrir is like “Come ON, guys.
There is no fame to be gained from breaking a little girl’s pretty, pretty princess bow.
Plus, this is OBVIOUSLY a trap.”
And the gods are like “A trap? Whaaaat>
Why would we trap you?
What do you think we are
desperately afraid of you or something?
We just thought
that if the great wolf Fenrir
was too much of a pussnexus
to let himself get tied up by a pretty pink ribbon
we might just go and tell everybody about that
and then they would laugh at you.”
So Fenrir is like “OKAY FINE.
But I seriously don’t trust you guys
so how about I let you tie me up
if one of you puts your hand in my mouth as collateral.”
And all the gods are like “Um… well…”
Until Tyr is a FUCKING BADASS
moved almost to the point of vomiting
but what tremendous wusses all his friends are.

So then they tie Fenrir up
and Fenrir flexes
and then he tries kicking
and then he tries flailing around like a fucking lunatic
but that ribbon does not break
and he is like “DAMMIT.”
And he bits of Tyr’s hand
and everyone laughs at Fenrir
except for Tyr
because he just got his hand bit off.
And Fenrir is all trying to scream and bite everyone
so they jam a sword in his mouth to keep it open forever
and Fenrir drools so much
that it makes an entire fucking river
called “hope” is Norse for some reason
like this is some kind of fucked up morbid motivational poster.
HOPE:
YOU WILL EVENTUALLY ESCAPE YOUR HELLISH PRISON
AND RAIN DEATH AND FIRE UPON MIDGARD
Because actually that is what the Norse prophecy says.
It says that eventually, at the end of the world
Fenrir will get loose and eat Odin.

So I guess the moral of the story
is that if your friend keeps bringing home his mutant babies
it is not your responsibility to raise those babies.

Remember this.

So, there’s a fucking story for you.

How did that make you feel?

The reason I read is to ask:

What would you sacrifice for the greater good?

Now, honestly I don’t really expect anyone to answer, but it would be fucking sweet if you did.

Anyways, more Tacopocalypse information coming very soon.

* (This story also exists on the website at but slightly different.)

 

fischfail_sig2

The Crunch Heard ‘Round the World.

Posted: November 2, 2014 by fischfail in Random
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is (probably) already done. Also don’t forget to follow my antics (i.e. stupidity) on Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Also, feel free to follow a possible descent into alcoholism at Untappd. Thanks!

Just think about that for one second. A sound that people around the world create, (hopefullly) at a singular point in time. It’s not likely, but it would be awesome, although it is doubtful that you would (realistically) even hear your neighbour making a crunch sound and if you do, you may want to consider new neighbours.

But the idea of a singular sound produced by people all over the world at a set global time is the purpose of this post nonetheless.

I want to throw a party that no one shows up to. And, not like the previous FFI parties that people were supposed to come to and instead ignored. I want no one to attend this party… In person (and so help me, if any of you mother fuckers show up at my apartment, I will end you). On the other hand, this is not some reverse-psychology bullshit where I tell you about this awesome concept and then tell everyone not to come, and I secretly want everyone to do so.

No, I am throwing a party, and none of you are actually invited to attend in person. In fact, as of this exact moment, there is no date or time even set for this party. And I guess we have come to point of the post where I should give this party a name or at least describe the purpose of it.

The Tacopocalypse

That is the name of the party and the purpose is: the destruction of tacos.

This is how I see the world, everyone loves tacos in some form or another. Meaty / cheesy bastards, bean-based monsters, even ones containing no “rabbit food,” crunchy, soft. Hell even a taco salad. Whatever the physical construction makes it look like, it is allowed as long as it has the world taco.

Now, on the day of the event(remember that is yet to be determined), you will procure some fucking tacos. Buy them, make them, hell steal the neighbours for all I care. Your mission to acquire some fucking tacos. Then feel free to join us in a virtual web cam based world or just take pictures and send them to us. Eat the tacos, smash them on your face or the floor. Play taco baseball. I don’t care what you do with the taco, just send us proof. And the more tacos you go through the better.

In fact, user nicejerk from Reddit already got in the mood. Here is a picture of their cat named Taco, dressed as a taco, eating a taco… From Taco Bell.*

 

Taco the cat, dresses as a taco, eating a taco from Taco Bell.

Taco the cat, dresses as a taco, eating a taco from Taco Bell.

 

Now internet, do us proud.

More details coming soon.

I’m not joking. This needs to be real. Tell everyone you know. Then tell everyone you know again. Then tell everyone you know to tell everyone they know. We want people from everywhere… We need your help.

 

* NiceJerk and Reddit have no affiliation with Fisch Fail, INC. And have probably never even heard of us. You guys could fix that as well.

fischfail_sig2

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Posted: September 27, 2014 by fischfail in Random, WTF

Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is (probably) already done. Also don’t forget to follow my antics (i.e. stupidity) on Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Also, feel free to follow a possible descent into alcoholism at Untappd. Thanks!

I present to you “The Dragon Dance.”

2b4d23b7532bfa2d530c87a8bc28ccca

 

fischfail_sig2

Fischfail on dreams

Posted: September 18, 2014 by fischfail in awesome, Dreams, Humor, Life, Random, Sleep

Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is (probably) already done. Also don’t forget to follow my antics (i.e. stupidity) on Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Also, feel free to follow a possible descent into alcoholism at Untappd. Thanks!

Dreams are a rather funny and curious thing. Some people believe they have meaning, while others think they show us our life’s path, and others believe them to be just a byproduct of the processing information (who hasn’t had one of those strange moments of clarity, where you snap back to consciousness at 4:30 in the morning because you had an idea and had to write it down? Perhaps on a blog you have spent a considerable amount of time neglecting).

But for every good dream, there is the equally sinister dark one. Bad dreams, nightmares, night terrors. Whatever you call them, we all have them at some point in our lives. And for the most part they are universal (at least in terms of general themes.) And most people go through stages of nightmare.

When they are a child, there are monsters under the bed and in the closet. And in the child’s mind, this is absolute, despite being reassured by those they trust.

As that child becomes a little older, these nightmares shift from the fear of the dark and the monsters that reside within to feelings dealing with loneliness, and more specifically never being able to find “the one” (a silly thought in retrospect).

Later on, these dreams tend to shift loosing the person(s) you care more about in life. Or losing the things that make you “well-off (a car, job, or home for instance.)

During all this time, there is also the dreams that focus on the death of the dreamer. And, we’ve all heard the saying “if you die in you sleep, you die in real life,” a saying I can safely say is bullshit, and if not, well then I must be a zombie. So I have that, I guess.

But what happens to a person when they do not “leave” stages of nightmares and just gain a variety of ones.

I am one who has suffered from bad dreams most of my life. Many people have told me stories of me crying out in my sleep, clenching my teeth so tightly I cannot open my mouth the next day, violently thrashing about, as well as many other things. Hell, ErinLovesTheWeb has woken me from more bad dreams than I can count.

So, let’s start with that first “stage” of nightmare.

As a child I was terrified of the dark. In fact, I was so afraid, that nightly I would “booby-trap” my bedroom (with toys, jump ropes, chairs, whatever I could get my oversized baby hands on) at night, and it would remain so until the morning when I decided it was safe. This booby-trapping had went on for years and my parent’s “supported” it. But, I had good reason to be terrified, there were monsters, I could even prove it. I had a fucking “My Buddy” doll, and if you don’t see the problem there, then your childhood was bullshit.

 

This little asshole kept me awake forever... Because my dad is a cunt.

This little asshole kept me awake forever… Because my dad is a cunt.

 

Later on, instead of “growing out of these dreams,” I also had began having nightmares about being alone, and never finding “that one person who truly gets me…” Or someshit. I don’t really know, but I do know if I could I would go back in time and punch myself in the face for being an asshole.

Then, I started having dreams about losing those I care about. Some affected me greatly and others not as badly. I am a little sad to say that some of the dreams that didn’t affect me had a bigger impact than the ones that did (if that makes any sense to you, you may want to seek help, considering I wrote the fucking statement and it barely makes sense to me…).

Well, you see where this fucking story is going, so I’m going to fast-forward a little bit.

Blame it on being a coward, blame it on an over-active imagination, blame it on hot Cheetos before bed, I don’t care. But to this day, I still have horrendous nightmares… That I frequently cause myself.

I will often lay in bed ready for bed but not quite able to fall asleep yet. And my mind will start making a story (interestingly, I also do this while driving). Creating this fascinating pseudo-movie, where I am the main character and I know the script, yet I don’t know what is going to happen next. The twisted mind of the director determines the sequence of the shots to be done. And soon enough, the shadows on the walls will morph into the devilish teeth or the jagged claws of demons from the darker corners of hell.

And then the spiraling begins. Mind you at this point, I am still awake. But then the shadows become tangible beings. Monsters emerging from me depths of my mind. And suddenly I am gripped with paralysis, unable to remove myself from the environment. And then the drifting to sleep will begin. And at this point in life, the dreams rarely stay focused on the monsters living in my head, and will instead drift to more the “lifelike” scenarios of losing the people I care about.

And at some point, I inevitably wake up sweating and shaking, unable to fall back asleep for several hours.

This entire sequence is part of the reason I have so much trouble sleeping at someone else’s house. There are too many things I don’t know, and incidentally more places for those monsters to hide, waiting in silence for me to sleep.

Anyway, this brings me to a telling of my latest nightmare. I will try to explain as much as I can remember. But, we all know that sometimes dreams make no fucking sense at all, so keep that in mind, as some of the details are bound to be “blurry” at best.

I had just laid down, I was listening to some light music (I have no idea of the artist, not that it fucking matters), and I started developing this string of thoughts regarding a universal phenomenon of how children (some of whom are never exposed to them) almost universally have a fear of monsters. Oh, who am I kidding, I was actually thinking about the fact that I didn’t feel well resisting the urge to throw up my dinner, which would cause my insides to turn into a gelatinous mass that squirming out my mouth, landing in the toilet, taking shape and then strangling me (maybe, I do need some help…).

Somehow, this string of thoughts turned into moving shadows on the walls that slowly gained shape into more “real” beings, and I began to drift.

The first shadow I saw, took shape and started reaching out from the wall. I watched as the being’s arm got closer and closer, until I could feel the hell-beast’s claws sink into my leg. And then another shadow started forming. Soon enough, the two beasts were snarling and fighting over which got to devour this “piece of tasty, tasty fruit on a far away island.” Just as soon as the fight began really heating it, the window exploded inward as a third demon came flying in and ripped the first two into pieces.

 

Let me taste your butthole.

Let me taste your butthole.

 

Reality and the dream world then combined in an explosive collision caused by ErinLovesTheWeb bursting through the door to save me like some sort of demon-slaying, dragon-riding, curiosity-driven knight (she was coming in to ask a question). I watched in mild horror as the remaining shadow demon dissolved at the risk or being seen and the window “melted” back into place.

She gets the answer she is looking for, and closing the door behind her, leaves me in total darkness. However, this time I fall directly into the dream, my body having none of that shit where I cannot sleep and my brain won’t shut the fuck up, and I create my own nightmares.

Instead I fall pleasantly back into the dream world and this time, my dreams focus on my life exactly as it right now.

As a side note, we all know these types of dreams, they either end fantastically showing a possible glimpse of the future where everything works out perfectly, or end horribly showing how frail and fragile our lives are making us question our own mortality.

I doubt I need to explain which this is.

As I mentioned, the dream started out by focusing on my life as it is at this exact moment. We both have stable well-paying jobs with a steady income, we can cover out bills without worry, a reliable automobile, and a place of our own. All-in-all fairly well, considering where we were a year ago.

But then, something happened, on my way to work. The car died, and there was no getting it fixed. It broke, and then it was just gone, removed from existence, taking with it everything that was inside. This was the beginning the snowball…

That ball slowly shifted and began rolling away from me. Soon, because I was late for work, and then couldn’t arrive from several days (despite being able to easily ride a bus to work), I lost my job. This somehow meant ErinLovesTheWeb and myself could no longer afford bills (despite the fact she was able to cover all our bills before I got work), and we lost the apartment where we live.

For some reason, I were unable to move in with any of our friends or family, and became truly homeless. This caused strife in the relationship and we separated (dream logic demanded that this was the best solution to everything and was indeed permanent).

So, now I am homeless, without transportation, job, or food. But I somehow still have a phone and headset (so, I have that going for me I guess).

And then, I am going through self therapy, listening to music. And I come to an epiphany, ErinLovesTheWeb can no longer interrupt music or NetFlix (I totally still had that, I don’t even know how that works).

And life is starting to turn around, I can buy a candy bar and I do. I bite into a delicious Snickers bar and all my teeth immediately break and my mouth is pouring blood. And my phone dies.

And I realize I can hear nothing anymore. I have gone deaf, with the exception of an annoying humming noise. Despite everything, I cannot figure out what it is, but I do know it holds all the secrets to my life and if I can track it down, everything will be okay.

And I do a 180 and slam my face into my bedside table.

I am ripped from a dream via trying to become fucking Odin. It was then I learned the annoying humming sound. My fucking mom… Calling me at 330 in the morning… Because she fell asleep on the couch while on the phone…

Dreams are fucking stupid.

And I guess the moral of the story is: waking up this early is kind of awesome. I was able to write this piece of shit and prepare myself for the day.

I leave you now with one more song.

 

 

Deal with it.

 

 

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Posted: September 2, 2014 by fischfail in Random

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So, some months ago, I seemed to vanish.

Yeah.

Hopefully though, I can come back with a semi-regularity.

Now, the question is: Where the fuck did everyone go?

I’m not exactly, sure, I know I am going to be doing…. some remodelling around here. But, who knows what that actually means.

So, onto the reason I left. I made promises to all of our loyal readers, regarding some posts. And, I failed to produce said posts. And for some reason I took that personally and assumed you all did as well. And then I didn’t really feel like I could “face” you.

At first, it wasn’t too bad. A missed post here and there? Fucking normal. Not logging in for a week? Happened more than once. Not logging in for a month? Probably.

But I mean, I didn’t log in at all, even to check information and stats. I just stopped thinking about Fisch Fail, INC.

And for that I am sorry.

Eh, I think that is enough for now, as I am at work currently. But I promise I will be back soon.

And to those of you who started following us more recently… Welcome.

 

fischfail_sig2

 

 

I regret nothing.

Posted: March 14, 2014 by fischfail in Random


Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is already done. Also don’t forget to follow our antics on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Thanks!

Well, well, well.

First of all, I would like to thank and say welcome to all the new friends and followers we’ve made even though we have been quite inactive.

So, I’ve been gone because my computer has been… down, to say the least. I hopefully have a majority of the kinks worked out. There isn’t going to be anything substantial (from me) today. However, on Friday, I should have a new PerkDermp and hopefully the return of the “Logo Design Contest.” Also, some new pictures of the remaining authors along the way.

Now, some of you may have noticed that some of our authors have seemed to go missing. This is true. And due to various reasons, a few of our authors have said their departing words and left us. I harbor no harsh feelings for any of them, and I wish the best of luck in all of their endeavors.

I think that is it from me for now. I shall see you all in a very short time.

Thank you.

 

fischfail_sig2


Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is already done. Also don’t forget to follow our antics on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Thanks!

For being as fucking awesome as I am. However, in the recent PerkDermp, I posted a video twice!

Imagine that, I fucked up… And normally, I wouldn’t care, because that video was fucking awesome…

However, I made this big spectacle about the video being a big concern for some…

So, I present to you the video that was supposed to be posted.

Also, fuck LuzOb for not having precognition and pointing out the fucking mistake sooner… Or something…

Here!

Also, in case you haven’t fucking noticed the tag “Tyrannosword,” that shit is hot… And I intend to make it a real word. Be ready, you fuckers.

fischfail_sig2


Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is already done. Also don’t forget to follow our antics on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Thanks!

Welcome to the 6th installment of Perkdermp. This time around I have a lot of pictures that I have personally enjoyed. Again, I am making no claims that these images are my own (unless otherwise noted), and I do apologize if you feel I have stolen from you in some way. None of the images in this post are explicitly NSFW, however depending on your work environment, there may be one or two that could be bothersome. And now, all the warnings are out of the way.

This week’s PerkDermp is going to start off with a short video, just to get you in the mood…

Incidentially, this is how I get ErinLovesTheWeb and LuzOb to go to sleep. And now, onto some fucking pictures.

DancingBlackKid-2

I don’t know what this kid is dancing about, but I am going to assume it is regarding cake…. Or he is getting laid… Or both.

CrazyGirlScreaming-2

I have watched this for a while now, and I still have no idea what the fuck is going on… Although, whenever I drink out of Styrofoam cups, I have the same reaction.

Happy-Graduation

Man, I wish I had saw this long before I started school… Although, I might have, and just didn’t believe it….

funny-image-2372

It is true. Fuck kids. Snot-nosed demon-monsters.

tumblr_mn5rmkICTD1ro23r5o2_r1_500

BBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

never-feed-them-after-midnight

Nicki has really let herself go since American Idol finished out this season…

tuesday-funny-photo-dump-9

Being a vegetarian, I can fully agree with this statement. Never has salad caused any awesome stories… Hell, for that matter, the only story salad has caused is Verbal Derps…

Click here, to continue reading !


Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is already done. Also don’t forget to follow our antics on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Thanks!

Hey guys, a new Verbal Derp has been made!

7-28-13 jerky spit

As you can see there is a new format! Also, Expect a new Perk-Dermp to be made Monday. Hopefully I can get some regularity going. Or something.

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