Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category


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So, I am dedicating today to story time, motherfuckers.

Most of the authors of this blog (past, present, and possibly future) know of the story of Tyr’s sacrifice. But most have never heard this telling.

And for you readers who have no idea who the fuck I am talking about, allow me to explain.

Today’s story comes from Corey O’Brien… The author of . If you have never gone there, go ahead a read this post and then take a peek. Totally fucking worth it. So, Mr. O’Brien also published a book titled , if you haven’t read it, do yourself a favor, go buy the fucking book and read it.

 

Cover of Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes

Here is what the fucking book looks like.

Okay, now that I have done some promotional work (*cough cough* Mr. O’Brien), let me tell you the fucking story of Tyr’s sacrifice.

This story (located in Zeus grants stupid wishes*) is called “Fenrir is a DILF”.

So one day, Loki’s wandering around Jotunheim
and he sees this chick Angrboða
pronounced ANGER BOW THE
and he is like “Well, I know she’s pretty ugly
and her name is kinda a reference book entry for THE ANGER BOW
but you know what?
I’m gonna tap that
and have three kids with that
and all three of those kids are going to be horrible beasts that bring on the apocalypse.
I see no problem with this.”

So for now, let’s just focus on the first kid:
a giant wolf named Fenrir.
Now Loko brings baby Fenrir to Asgard
and the Aesir all instantly know that this wolf is gonna be the death of them
mainly because it is a GIANT WOLF NAMED FENRIR.
But instead of doing anything about it
they decide to see if they can just raise it as their own
presumably because they don’t want to hurt Loki’s feelings.
So this god Tyr
the god of single combat and being awesome
gets put in charge of feeding Fenrir
because he’s the only person with sufficient testicular mass to actually go near the wolf
and Fenrir gets bigger
and bigger
and holy shit bigger
until the gods start to be like “Uhh…
we should really do something about this wolf.”
So what they do is they make a really big metal chain.
This chain is so incredibly massive
that they don’t feel right until they give it a name
the name is Leyding.
So they go up to Fenrir like “Hey man
I bet you totally can’t break out of this chain.”
And Fenrir is like “Okay, bring it.”
So they tie him up
and he pretty much just breaks the chain like cobwebs
and he gets famous because of that
and the gods are like “Fuck, that backfired.
Okay, let’s make a better chain.”
so they make a chain
that is TWO TIMES AS STRONG
and they name it Dromi
and they go back to Fenrir
like “Bet you can’t break THIS chain.”
And Fenrir is like “I don’t know if I want to let you tie me up again.”
And the gods are like “Don’t you want to be double famous?”
and Fenrir is like “Ugh, okay.”

SO he lets them tie him up again
and he flexes a little, but the chain doesn’t break
so then he kicks the chain, and it does break
and the gods are like “Okay
we definately need a better chain.
Somebody call the dwarves.”
So the dwarves are like “Okay
the mistake you guys have been making
if you have been trying to make a chain
out of actual things that exist
such as metal
instead of abstract concepts
such as the sound of a cat’s footfall
along with the roots of a mountain
the sinews of a bear
the beard of a woman–
remember, these are dwarves–
and the breath of a fish, and the spit of a bird
so that’s why you can’t hear cats walking around
and mountains don’t have roots
and fish don’t breathe, and birds don’t spit
but I think bears still probably have sinews
and I have definitely met me some bearded ladies
so I guess the dwarves were not that thorough.

But anyway
somehow they manage to distill all this shit into THE ULTIMATE CHAIN
Except it’s not a chain, it’s a ribbon called Gleipnir.
It is thin and pink and soft
and the gods go and bring it to Fenrir
and are like “Bet you can’t get out of this ribbon.”
And Fenrir is like “Come ON, guys.
There is no fame to be gained from breaking a little girl’s pretty, pretty princess bow.
Plus, this is OBVIOUSLY a trap.”
And the gods are like “A trap? Whaaaat>
Why would we trap you?
What do you think we are
desperately afraid of you or something?
We just thought
that if the great wolf Fenrir
was too much of a pussnexus
to let himself get tied up by a pretty pink ribbon
we might just go and tell everybody about that
and then they would laugh at you.”
So Fenrir is like “OKAY FINE.
But I seriously don’t trust you guys
so how about I let you tie me up
if one of you puts your hand in my mouth as collateral.”
And all the gods are like “Um… well…”
Until Tyr is a FUCKING BADASS
moved almost to the point of vomiting
but what tremendous wusses all his friends are.

So then they tie Fenrir up
and Fenrir flexes
and then he tries kicking
and then he tries flailing around like a fucking lunatic
but that ribbon does not break
and he is like “DAMMIT.”
And he bits of Tyr’s hand
and everyone laughs at Fenrir
except for Tyr
because he just got his hand bit off.
And Fenrir is all trying to scream and bite everyone
so they jam a sword in his mouth to keep it open forever
and Fenrir drools so much
that it makes an entire fucking river
called “hope” is Norse for some reason
like this is some kind of fucked up morbid motivational poster.
HOPE:
YOU WILL EVENTUALLY ESCAPE YOUR HELLISH PRISON
AND RAIN DEATH AND FIRE UPON MIDGARD
Because actually that is what the Norse prophecy says.
It says that eventually, at the end of the world
Fenrir will get loose and eat Odin.

So I guess the moral of the story
is that if your friend keeps bringing home his mutant babies
it is not your responsibility to raise those babies.

Remember this.

So, there’s a fucking story for you.

How did that make you feel?

The reason I read is to ask:

What would you sacrifice for the greater good?

Now, honestly I don’t really expect anyone to answer, but it would be fucking sweet if you did.

Anyways, more Tacopocalypse information coming very soon.

* (This story also exists on the website at but slightly different.)

 

fischfail_sig2

Fischfail on dreams

Posted: September 18, 2014 by fischfail in awesome, Dreams, Humor, Life, Random, Sleep

Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is (probably) already done. Also don’t forget to follow my antics (i.e. stupidity) on Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Also, feel free to follow a possible descent into alcoholism at Untappd. Thanks!

Dreams are a rather funny and curious thing. Some people believe they have meaning, while others think they show us our life’s path, and others believe them to be just a byproduct of the processing information (who hasn’t had one of those strange moments of clarity, where you snap back to consciousness at 4:30 in the morning because you had an idea and had to write it down? Perhaps on a blog you have spent a considerable amount of time neglecting).

But for every good dream, there is the equally sinister dark one. Bad dreams, nightmares, night terrors. Whatever you call them, we all have them at some point in our lives. And for the most part they are universal (at least in terms of general themes.) And most people go through stages of nightmare.

When they are a child, there are monsters under the bed and in the closet. And in the child’s mind, this is absolute, despite being reassured by those they trust.

As that child becomes a little older, these nightmares shift from the fear of the dark and the monsters that reside within to feelings dealing with loneliness, and more specifically never being able to find “the one” (a silly thought in retrospect).

Later on, these dreams tend to shift loosing the person(s) you care more about in life. Or losing the things that make you “well-off (a car, job, or home for instance.)

During all this time, there is also the dreams that focus on the death of the dreamer. And, we’ve all heard the saying “if you die in you sleep, you die in real life,” a saying I can safely say is bullshit, and if not, well then I must be a zombie. So I have that, I guess.

But what happens to a person when they do not “leave” stages of nightmares and just gain a variety of ones.

I am one who has suffered from bad dreams most of my life. Many people have told me stories of me crying out in my sleep, clenching my teeth so tightly I cannot open my mouth the next day, violently thrashing about, as well as many other things. Hell, ErinLovesTheWeb has woken me from more bad dreams than I can count.

So, let’s start with that first “stage” of nightmare.

As a child I was terrified of the dark. In fact, I was so afraid, that nightly I would “booby-trap” my bedroom (with toys, jump ropes, chairs, whatever I could get my oversized baby hands on) at night, and it would remain so until the morning when I decided it was safe. This booby-trapping had went on for years and my parent’s “supported” it. But, I had good reason to be terrified, there were monsters, I could even prove it. I had a fucking “My Buddy” doll, and if you don’t see the problem there, then your childhood was bullshit.

 

This little asshole kept me awake forever... Because my dad is a cunt.

This little asshole kept me awake forever… Because my dad is a cunt.

 

Later on, instead of “growing out of these dreams,” I also had began having nightmares about being alone, and never finding “that one person who truly gets me…” Or someshit. I don’t really know, but I do know if I could I would go back in time and punch myself in the face for being an asshole.

Then, I started having dreams about losing those I care about. Some affected me greatly and others not as badly. I am a little sad to say that some of the dreams that didn’t affect me had a bigger impact than the ones that did (if that makes any sense to you, you may want to seek help, considering I wrote the fucking statement and it barely makes sense to me…).

Well, you see where this fucking story is going, so I’m going to fast-forward a little bit.

Blame it on being a coward, blame it on an over-active imagination, blame it on hot Cheetos before bed, I don’t care. But to this day, I still have horrendous nightmares… That I frequently cause myself.

I will often lay in bed ready for bed but not quite able to fall asleep yet. And my mind will start making a story (interestingly, I also do this while driving). Creating this fascinating pseudo-movie, where I am the main character and I know the script, yet I don’t know what is going to happen next. The twisted mind of the director determines the sequence of the shots to be done. And soon enough, the shadows on the walls will morph into the devilish teeth or the jagged claws of demons from the darker corners of hell.

And then the spiraling begins. Mind you at this point, I am still awake. But then the shadows become tangible beings. Monsters emerging from me depths of my mind. And suddenly I am gripped with paralysis, unable to remove myself from the environment. And then the drifting to sleep will begin. And at this point in life, the dreams rarely stay focused on the monsters living in my head, and will instead drift to more the “lifelike” scenarios of losing the people I care about.

And at some point, I inevitably wake up sweating and shaking, unable to fall back asleep for several hours.

This entire sequence is part of the reason I have so much trouble sleeping at someone else’s house. There are too many things I don’t know, and incidentally more places for those monsters to hide, waiting in silence for me to sleep.

Anyway, this brings me to a telling of my latest nightmare. I will try to explain as much as I can remember. But, we all know that sometimes dreams make no fucking sense at all, so keep that in mind, as some of the details are bound to be “blurry” at best.

I had just laid down, I was listening to some light music (I have no idea of the artist, not that it fucking matters), and I started developing this string of thoughts regarding a universal phenomenon of how children (some of whom are never exposed to them) almost universally have a fear of monsters. Oh, who am I kidding, I was actually thinking about the fact that I didn’t feel well resisting the urge to throw up my dinner, which would cause my insides to turn into a gelatinous mass that squirming out my mouth, landing in the toilet, taking shape and then strangling me (maybe, I do need some help…).

Somehow, this string of thoughts turned into moving shadows on the walls that slowly gained shape into more “real” beings, and I began to drift.

The first shadow I saw, took shape and started reaching out from the wall. I watched as the being’s arm got closer and closer, until I could feel the hell-beast’s claws sink into my leg. And then another shadow started forming. Soon enough, the two beasts were snarling and fighting over which got to devour this “piece of tasty, tasty fruit on a far away island.” Just as soon as the fight began really heating it, the window exploded inward as a third demon came flying in and ripped the first two into pieces.

 

Let me taste your butthole.

Let me taste your butthole.

 

Reality and the dream world then combined in an explosive collision caused by ErinLovesTheWeb bursting through the door to save me like some sort of demon-slaying, dragon-riding, curiosity-driven knight (she was coming in to ask a question). I watched in mild horror as the remaining shadow demon dissolved at the risk or being seen and the window “melted” back into place.

She gets the answer she is looking for, and closing the door behind her, leaves me in total darkness. However, this time I fall directly into the dream, my body having none of that shit where I cannot sleep and my brain won’t shut the fuck up, and I create my own nightmares.

Instead I fall pleasantly back into the dream world and this time, my dreams focus on my life exactly as it right now.

As a side note, we all know these types of dreams, they either end fantastically showing a possible glimpse of the future where everything works out perfectly, or end horribly showing how frail and fragile our lives are making us question our own mortality.

I doubt I need to explain which this is.

As I mentioned, the dream started out by focusing on my life as it is at this exact moment. We both have stable well-paying jobs with a steady income, we can cover out bills without worry, a reliable automobile, and a place of our own. All-in-all fairly well, considering where we were a year ago.

But then, something happened, on my way to work. The car died, and there was no getting it fixed. It broke, and then it was just gone, removed from existence, taking with it everything that was inside. This was the beginning the snowball…

That ball slowly shifted and began rolling away from me. Soon, because I was late for work, and then couldn’t arrive from several days (despite being able to easily ride a bus to work), I lost my job. This somehow meant ErinLovesTheWeb and myself could no longer afford bills (despite the fact she was able to cover all our bills before I got work), and we lost the apartment where we live.

For some reason, I were unable to move in with any of our friends or family, and became truly homeless. This caused strife in the relationship and we separated (dream logic demanded that this was the best solution to everything and was indeed permanent).

So, now I am homeless, without transportation, job, or food. But I somehow still have a phone and headset (so, I have that going for me I guess).

And then, I am going through self therapy, listening to music. And I come to an epiphany, ErinLovesTheWeb can no longer interrupt music or NetFlix (I totally still had that, I don’t even know how that works).

And life is starting to turn around, I can buy a candy bar and I do. I bite into a delicious Snickers bar and all my teeth immediately break and my mouth is pouring blood. And my phone dies.

And I realize I can hear nothing anymore. I have gone deaf, with the exception of an annoying humming noise. Despite everything, I cannot figure out what it is, but I do know it holds all the secrets to my life and if I can track it down, everything will be okay.

And I do a 180 and slam my face into my bedside table.

I am ripped from a dream via trying to become fucking Odin. It was then I learned the annoying humming sound. My fucking mom… Calling me at 330 in the morning… Because she fell asleep on the couch while on the phone…

Dreams are fucking stupid.

And I guess the moral of the story is: waking up this early is kind of awesome. I was able to write this piece of shit and prepare myself for the day.

I leave you now with one more song.

 

 

Deal with it.

 

 

fischfail_sig2


Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is already done. Also don’t forget to follow our antics on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Thanks!

For being as fucking awesome as I am. However, in the recent PerkDermp, I posted a video twice!

Imagine that, I fucked up… And normally, I wouldn’t care, because that video was fucking awesome…

However, I made this big spectacle about the video being a big concern for some…

So, I present to you the video that was supposed to be posted.

Also, fuck LuzOb for not having precognition and pointing out the fucking mistake sooner… Or something…

Here!

Also, in case you haven’t fucking noticed the tag “Tyrannosword,” that shit is hot… And I intend to make it a real word. Be ready, you fuckers.

fischfail_sig2


Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is already done. Also don’t forget to follow our antics on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Thanks!

Welcome to the 6th installment of Perkdermp. This time around I have a lot of pictures that I have personally enjoyed. Again, I am making no claims that these images are my own (unless otherwise noted), and I do apologize if you feel I have stolen from you in some way. None of the images in this post are explicitly NSFW, however depending on your work environment, there may be one or two that could be bothersome. And now, all the warnings are out of the way.

This week’s PerkDermp is going to start off with a short video, just to get you in the mood…

Incidentially, this is how I get ErinLovesTheWeb and LuzOb to go to sleep. And now, onto some fucking pictures.

DancingBlackKid-2

I don’t know what this kid is dancing about, but I am going to assume it is regarding cake…. Or he is getting laid… Or both.

CrazyGirlScreaming-2

I have watched this for a while now, and I still have no idea what the fuck is going on… Although, whenever I drink out of Styrofoam cups, I have the same reaction.

Happy-Graduation

Man, I wish I had saw this long before I started school… Although, I might have, and just didn’t believe it….

funny-image-2372

It is true. Fuck kids. Snot-nosed demon-monsters.

tumblr_mn5rmkICTD1ro23r5o2_r1_500

BBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

never-feed-them-after-midnight

Nicki has really let herself go since American Idol finished out this season…

tuesday-funny-photo-dump-9

Being a vegetarian, I can fully agree with this statement. Never has salad caused any awesome stories… Hell, for that matter, the only story salad has caused is Verbal Derps…

Click here, to continue reading !


Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is already done. Also don’t forget to follow our antics on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Thanks!

Hey guys, a new Verbal Derp has been made!

7-28-13 jerky spit

As you can see there is a new format! Also, Expect a new Perk-Dermp to be made Monday. Hopefully I can get some regularity going. Or something.

fischfail_sig2


Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is already done. Also don’t forget to follow our antics on Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Thanks!

So, I just took the time to make a short update to the “fischisms” page for ErinLovesTheWeb, which was a little awkward (I’m

The tabletop electronic game, Astro Wars. Dist...

The tabletop electronic game, Astro Wars. Distributed in the UK in the early 1980s by Grandstand. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

used to writing about myself in the first-person…).

Either way, here it is.

Him: “So, what’s this website do?”
Me: “What?”
Him: (Incoherent mumbling)
Me: “I think you’re asleep…”
Him: “Obviously”
Me: “What website are you talking about?”
Him: “I don’t know, the one that helps people and shit…”

At, the same time, I also posted a new “Verbal Derp

I was running a weekly tabletop game with a group of friends, and the discussion turned to meat… Somehow.
LuzOb: “Fisch, would you have sex with a roast?”
me: “No…”
LuzOb: “Is it because you’re a vegetarian?”

I do believe that to be it for now. Make sure you visit both of those pages frequently, as both get posted to fairly frequently.

As a brief side note before I depart this time, I am looking into a new format for displaying those quotes, and a new “Perk Dermp” should be coming soon.

Sorry, I am tired as hell, and cannot fall asleep.

fischfail_sig2


Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is already done. Also don’t forget to follow our antics on both Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Thanks!

This is the fifth installment of the “Perkdermp” series… The more I do, I more I realize I might spend too much time on the Internet.

This time around I have a lot of pictures that I have personally enjoyed. Again, I am making no claims that these images are my own (unless otherwise noted), and I do apologize if you feel I have stolen from you in some way. None of the images in this post are explicitly NSFW, however depending on your work environment, there may be one or two that could be bothersome. And now, all the warnings are out of the way.

weird_9 (4)

I know I posted this just the other day, but my confused erection demanded it to be posted once more… Fuck you, I’m allowed to repost on my own fucking blog…

3lVcc0D

4gifs.tumblr-23

WHAT THE FUCK!? Who the fuck thought this was a good fucking idea? Seriously, “kill it with fire” is not enough in this fucking case…

6sgiSPA

I hate ferrets, I think they are fucking disgusting and terrifying. The only reason I posted this is: I get strange solace in thinking that cushion is actually concrete and crushing the little bastard.

7Y860nV

Not always, just ask the members of Fisch Fail, INC!

9MruJee

… For that lonely bachelor.

2013-06-10 08.38.28

Poi… It is magical

2013-06-12 23.33.05

Look, another Fisch Fail, INC author dressing up as Batman! Let’s see if this one can also become famous!

Click here, to continue reading !