Archive for the ‘Road Trip’ Category


Alright, so I know it’s a common phrase, especially today with this fucking “YOLO” busllshit (seriously, stop abbreviating, you sound fucking ridiculous) but for the love of the gods, you only live ONCE.

Honestly, have you really ever thought about that? Not just “yeah, I guess that’s true” but like “HOLY FUCK, I GOTTA LIVE IT UP!!!!!!”

I’ve just had this epiphany about 6 months ago, and life could not be simpler. I mean really, you need to just DO IT, because you may never have another chance. And if you get hurt, oh well that’s life. If it kills you, so what we all die anyway. Just learn to say FUCK IT every once in a while.

What I’m trying to say, everyone, is this:

Measure your life not in the years you’ve lived, but in the fullness that you lived them.

May the gods watch over you

Måtte Æser ser deg

Grimnir Odinsson

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When driving home from class this past Saturday, I noticed a car I had never seen before.

Colours

Normally that wouldn’t at all be surprising, and I am not that educated when it comes to the monstrous beasts (believe me when I say, they might as well work by magic).

But now that aside is done, let me begin my story.

I had just merged on a rather popular interstate highway, when I noticed this car. A Ford C-Max. Much like the one below…

The only difference being the one I saw was dark purple. So far this story is not that interesting or entertaining. But then I saw another directly in front of that one. Except it was purple, just like that fucking dinosaur I’m sure we all remember so well. but if you don’t let me give you a brief introduction…

Ewwwww. Now that the “video” has finished let me continue my strange little story.

However let you give you a brief recap… I enter the interstate highway and see a vehicle (Ford C-Max) that I’ve never seen before. It was dark purple…

Directly in front of that one was a purple Ford C-Max…

Okay still not entirely strange. But then I noticed there was yet another Ford C-Max in front of that one… A blue one. Still noticing nothing too strange, I light a smoke and continue on my journey home, and as I round a curve I notice yet another C-Max… This time in green.

I look at the cars in a line to verify that I am in fact not crazy and my brain was just telling me the wrong color (or the paint job that actually changed colors). Sure enough there were four of them in a row, (from back to front) colored dark purple, purple, blue, and green.

I look forward down the line of cars in the lane and notice a yellow car. I can only guess that it was yet another Ford C-Max… Except this one was following an orange one which in turn was following a red one…

My thoughts start reeling… Am I truly looking at a rainbow created by Ford C-Max vehicles?

Yes, yes I am…

And then I notice something else…

They all change lanes at the exact same time, would all turn on or off headlamps at the exact same second, and change   speeds at the same rate and time.

Okay, so I saw 7 Ford C-Max cars just so happening to make a rainbow… Big deal. But then something surprising happened…

The red one changed lanes, and reduced speed. As soon as the yellow car was in front, it also switched lanes. This continued happening until they were all in the reverse order (from first to last: dark purple, purple, blue, green, yellow, orange, red).

Finally, after following closely behind for 15 minutes, the take an exit not to be seen again.

It kinda made a rather shitty day, a little less gay… Somehow.

Either way, kinda cool marketing/sales strategy.

 


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Fisch Fail, INC, is still a baby, still growing, still something…infant

If we were a human baby, we would be learning to speak, and maybe eat something that didn’t have the consistency of baby food. But fuck, we’ve already moved on to tacos and alcohol… Says something about us!

Anyway, yesterday we hit a random milestone… 20,000 views (and damnit, I was going to make sure I got to make this announcement!).

So, it took us nearly a year and a half to get our first 10,000… It took us 6 months, to get our second.

Lets try and beat that record (for us) even quicker.

Tell everyone about FFI, let’s do it!

 

 

 


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Image by MikeBlogs via Flickr

Today is the day warriors of the internet. Today we fight back, we take control this is our stand and we will not back down.

For those of you who do not know, today marks the blackout day for the internet. a bunch of sites are going black including our very own FischFail Inc site. Many of the websites have already started, for us however we start in fifteen minutes.

SOPA, is a bill trying to get passed that will block websites that contain links to copyrighted material. EVEN IF YOU OWN IT!

PIPA gives your ISP and other copyright holders means to block certain websites. If your ISP has money with one search engine they may block Google for the hell of it. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!

STAND UP AND FIGHT!

See you in 12 hours!


So this will be a little awkward and difficult for me. Call me a pussy, call me a prude, but I’m just not used to talking about my movements to ANYONE, but I thought this should be noted. While I don’t have Technicolor Dreamshits, nor do I fight the “Man” with my stank-attack (btw, what if the cops decided to arrest you?!?) but my circumstance should produce at least a little humor, if not a little pity.

A few days ago (I would’ve wrote this earlier, but I was debating) I was finishing up my work day, and something began a-burbling. I thought to myself, like a regular dumbfuck: “Well hell, I just punched out, so if I poop here I’ll be pooping HERE on my OWN time? Fuuuu~uck THAT!” So I decided to take my short walk home (about 30 mins) and things began to fly red flags.

DEFCON 3: The Rush. “Ohh… man… this could be an issue.” was uttered as I am just leaving my workplace, Everything seems okay at first, until a stray Doberman decides it’s play/kill time and approaches me, growling, with a wagging tail. These mixed signals worried me, so in a calm, monotone voice, I tell him “Alright man, if you want to play, I have to decline, but if you wanna have a go, I will shit all over you… your choice.” and as if I were the fucking Derpdog-Whisperer the beasty back off slowly, then bolted off in a random direction to antagonize others.

DEFCON 2: Code Brown. Now halfway home, my stride is somewhere between a hurried Frankenstein and an epileptic Gumby, and I get yet another bump in the road; literally. A small protrusion, completely unnoticed by me, decides to sweep underfoot and abruptly trip me. Now I’ve tread this road bare over the years, and yet NEVER have I tripped, slipped, stumbled or had any misstep whatsoever on my trail, but today, the day of  my Rectal Reckoning, I bust my ass violently. As if trained I do the Fatman Holy-Crap-How-Did He-Get-Up-So-Fast Move (which I think I got from one of Drez’ animes) and no bystander was the wiser, or so I thought.

DEFCON 1.5: Chocolate Pain, Angels cry and shake their heads in shame. Now it’s time to move. Like a well-trained shit-soldier on a recon mission to get rid of something, instead of recovery, off I went into the evening as if a zombie on crack. Noises could now be heard from me; guttural groans of a man at his worst – you hurt just seeing a man like this. You may PITY a man in this situation… and (best Gandalf impression) LET HIM PASS! Apparently if you’re an overweight trashy white bitch from down the street, you don’t understand this concept. “OH HAY!!1! YOU JUST LEAVIN’ WORK? I SAW YOU FALL DOWN, YOU OKAY?!? HOW YOU BEEN??!!1/1!!?1/1!?” Now at this point I am sweating, panting and generally in the throes of inhumanity, but this woman decided to be the veritable Avatar of Hatred, and STOP me mid-excursion. “YeahIjustheardmydogranawayIgottagethim!” was belted out randomly. I have no dog. All I have is pain. Off I go.

DEFCON 1: The Quickening. Under my breath, I carry a Mantra, a spoken word Shamanistic galdyr-speak that carries me onward through the last street and into Porcelain Glory! “Mustgo shitshitshitshit poop poop… pooppoo! Mustgo shitshitshit-” and this continues until I fumble with my keys to unlock the baleful door of my abode. Upon that moment, a feeling of relief quickly burns away into horror as I see the bathroom door; hatefully shut, and I knock with the fury of ten-THOUSAND Odins, and what do I hear? “Whoa bro! I’m pissin’!” from no other than our own Drez himself. I yell out as if I’m possessed by the Fecal Daemon himself “POOOOOOOOOP!!!” in a deep, angered yet mournful tone meant to be heard by the Gods themselves. He quickly leaves the bathroom, and decides to talk about his goddamn workday with me! I crash through the portal, slamming the door along the way, and glory is served.

Reprisal: Have you ever touched the gold that hangs from the taint of the Lord of Pure Elation? I have. Have you tasted the soma that is Unequivocal Near-Maddening Perfection? Right here, man. The feeling of treading, no… hopscotching, upon the Path of Near-Demise is but a stroll through the midday sun compared to this trial I had completed. If life were to give levels, I would now be able to prestige into the “Dump Warrior” class… which give a +2 saving throw against shitting oneself.

Please note that this was not a conquest to revel upon, but a precautionary life account. If you have the choice between shitting in a public place, safe from all physical agony, and dealing with the teeth-grinding horror that was my existance at that moment: TAKE THE FORMER! Please, for the love of your tract, do not go through what I had. I looked into the eyes of the Forever, and I survived. Not upon my own merits, but upon the strength of my colon, and a good amount of fortune.

I hope this has enlightened you to the reality that not all poop stories are of pure humor, that a few can be educational as well. This blog is not just of laughter with a taste of pain, it is of honor, and not shitting your pants.


So, it’s officially the one year anniversary of Fish Fail, INC. What can we do to mark this momentous occasion? Talk about what we always talk about… That’s right POOP!

Now this was mentioned a while back when I spoke of my first pooping experience. There really isn’t much to this story but it’s funny all the same.

When I was younger and living at my mom’s I had to poop and bad. This was a make or break kind of situation. I ran up the stairs, and past my mom entertaining guests in the kitchen. I run to the bathroom. My sister was in it at the time and I REALLY had to go.

So I run further down the hall to my mom’s bathroom. Here is where it gets funny. My mom has a small counter-top in front of the toilet. I forget this as I pull my pants down with urgency and sit down on the toilet with all the ferocity of a Creeper about to explode.

WHAM! I bang my head on the counter-top. Ignoring this I continue about my business, until I see blood on the floor. That’s right, I split my head open while pooping. I didn’t know if I should wipe my head or my ass. Eventually, after I’m done I go back to tell my mother what happened. She took me to the hospital, where I got eleven stitches.

Oh, and by the way… Your favourite Internet Sensation has returned!

 


We here at FF IT’S OUR EFFING BIRTHDAY! We are in need of celerecreajubilation! What should we do to enjoy this wondrous week? You… yeah YOU… let us know! …or I’ll stab you in the face w/ a soldiering iron… seriously…

By the way… Luz is BACK bitches!