Archive for the ‘Writing’ Category


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So, I am dedicating today to story time, motherfuckers.

Most of the authors of this blog (past, present, and possibly future) know of the story of Tyr’s sacrifice. But most have never heard this telling.

And for you readers who have no idea who the fuck I am talking about, allow me to explain.

Today’s story comes from Corey O’Brien… The author of . If you have never gone there, go ahead a read this post and then take a peek. Totally fucking worth it. So, Mr. O’Brien also published a book titled , if you haven’t read it, do yourself a favor, go buy the fucking book and read it.

 

Cover of Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes

Here is what the fucking book looks like.

Okay, now that I have done some promotional work (*cough cough* Mr. O’Brien), let me tell you the fucking story of Tyr’s sacrifice.

This story (located in Zeus grants stupid wishes*) is called “Fenrir is a DILF”.

So one day, Loki’s wandering around Jotunheim
and he sees this chick Angrboða
pronounced ANGER BOW THE
and he is like “Well, I know she’s pretty ugly
and her name is kinda a reference book entry for THE ANGER BOW
but you know what?
I’m gonna tap that
and have three kids with that
and all three of those kids are going to be horrible beasts that bring on the apocalypse.
I see no problem with this.”

So for now, let’s just focus on the first kid:
a giant wolf named Fenrir.
Now Loko brings baby Fenrir to Asgard
and the Aesir all instantly know that this wolf is gonna be the death of them
mainly because it is a GIANT WOLF NAMED FENRIR.
But instead of doing anything about it
they decide to see if they can just raise it as their own
presumably because they don’t want to hurt Loki’s feelings.
So this god Tyr
the god of single combat and being awesome
gets put in charge of feeding Fenrir
because he’s the only person with sufficient testicular mass to actually go near the wolf
and Fenrir gets bigger
and bigger
and holy shit bigger
until the gods start to be like “Uhh…
we should really do something about this wolf.”
So what they do is they make a really big metal chain.
This chain is so incredibly massive
that they don’t feel right until they give it a name
the name is Leyding.
So they go up to Fenrir like “Hey man
I bet you totally can’t break out of this chain.”
And Fenrir is like “Okay, bring it.”
So they tie him up
and he pretty much just breaks the chain like cobwebs
and he gets famous because of that
and the gods are like “Fuck, that backfired.
Okay, let’s make a better chain.”
so they make a chain
that is TWO TIMES AS STRONG
and they name it Dromi
and they go back to Fenrir
like “Bet you can’t break THIS chain.”
And Fenrir is like “I don’t know if I want to let you tie me up again.”
And the gods are like “Don’t you want to be double famous?”
and Fenrir is like “Ugh, okay.”

SO he lets them tie him up again
and he flexes a little, but the chain doesn’t break
so then he kicks the chain, and it does break
and the gods are like “Okay
we definately need a better chain.
Somebody call the dwarves.”
So the dwarves are like “Okay
the mistake you guys have been making
if you have been trying to make a chain
out of actual things that exist
such as metal
instead of abstract concepts
such as the sound of a cat’s footfall
along with the roots of a mountain
the sinews of a bear
the beard of a woman–
remember, these are dwarves–
and the breath of a fish, and the spit of a bird
so that’s why you can’t hear cats walking around
and mountains don’t have roots
and fish don’t breathe, and birds don’t spit
but I think bears still probably have sinews
and I have definitely met me some bearded ladies
so I guess the dwarves were not that thorough.

But anyway
somehow they manage to distill all this shit into THE ULTIMATE CHAIN
Except it’s not a chain, it’s a ribbon called Gleipnir.
It is thin and pink and soft
and the gods go and bring it to Fenrir
and are like “Bet you can’t get out of this ribbon.”
And Fenrir is like “Come ON, guys.
There is no fame to be gained from breaking a little girl’s pretty, pretty princess bow.
Plus, this is OBVIOUSLY a trap.”
And the gods are like “A trap? Whaaaat>
Why would we trap you?
What do you think we are
desperately afraid of you or something?
We just thought
that if the great wolf Fenrir
was too much of a pussnexus
to let himself get tied up by a pretty pink ribbon
we might just go and tell everybody about that
and then they would laugh at you.”
So Fenrir is like “OKAY FINE.
But I seriously don’t trust you guys
so how about I let you tie me up
if one of you puts your hand in my mouth as collateral.”
And all the gods are like “Um… well…”
Until Tyr is a FUCKING BADASS
moved almost to the point of vomiting
but what tremendous wusses all his friends are.

So then they tie Fenrir up
and Fenrir flexes
and then he tries kicking
and then he tries flailing around like a fucking lunatic
but that ribbon does not break
and he is like “DAMMIT.”
And he bits of Tyr’s hand
and everyone laughs at Fenrir
except for Tyr
because he just got his hand bit off.
And Fenrir is all trying to scream and bite everyone
so they jam a sword in his mouth to keep it open forever
and Fenrir drools so much
that it makes an entire fucking river
called “hope” is Norse for some reason
like this is some kind of fucked up morbid motivational poster.
HOPE:
YOU WILL EVENTUALLY ESCAPE YOUR HELLISH PRISON
AND RAIN DEATH AND FIRE UPON MIDGARD
Because actually that is what the Norse prophecy says.
It says that eventually, at the end of the world
Fenrir will get loose and eat Odin.

So I guess the moral of the story
is that if your friend keeps bringing home his mutant babies
it is not your responsibility to raise those babies.

Remember this.

So, there’s a fucking story for you.

How did that make you feel?

The reason I read is to ask:

What would you sacrifice for the greater good?

Now, honestly I don’t really expect anyone to answer, but it would be fucking sweet if you did.

Anyways, more Tacopocalypse information coming very soon.

* (This story also exists on the website at but slightly different.)

 

fischfail_sig2

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This is going to  be a new pseudo-series. What I mean by that is: instead of making random posts regarding the content (which will be explained momentarily), there will be a portion of the blog dedicated to the topic. Very similar to the “Fischisms” page, with one exception.

I encourage you to submit your own stories. Stories! Stories, about what? I am happy you didn’t actually ask that, and that I was able to assume that you would be.

The new section will feature the dumb-fucking shit I’ve heard as a result of trying to change my lifestyle. Now, I don’t expect you to have the same problems, but chances are: someone constantly says something fucking stupid about one or more of your life choices. I encourage you to share this information, giving as much (or little) back story as you like (after all, ambiguity runs the fucking Internet).

And with that, I present you with a (growing) list of shit that has been said to me.  I’m going to kick this section of the blog off with a post regarding it.

As a brief aside, these entries will be written in the following format (and would be nice if they could be submitted in a similar fashion).

[Subject matter (i.e. diet, poi, drinking, etc)]

“Quote”

The reason for this formatting is fairly simple, if you can’t figure out the benefits, I might have to bad news for you…

But, I digress…

Vegetarianism

fischfail, June, 28, 2013…

One night, LuzOb and I were drinking, and this pleasant little blurb erupted from his mouth… I really wish it wasn’t true, but sadly it is…

LuzOb: “If an animal farts on your food, is it still considered vegetarian?”

me: “……what?”

LuzOb: “What if they shit on it, instead?”

fischfail, June, 28, 2013…

A month or so after I officially stopped eating meat, I walked into my parent’s house, drinking a milk shake and enjoying the warm weather. Mind you, this comes from the same guy who thinks “Timecop” is the greatest movie of all time… Don’t believe me? Read about it here: My dad is awesome

Dad: “Is that a milk shake you’re drinking?”

me: “Yeah, why?”

Dad: “I thought you were a vegan, don’t they die if they have milk or some shit?”

me: “No, I am not a vegan, I am a vegetarian. I will still eat dairy.”

Dad: “So, you’re a vegetarian, and not a vegan?”

me: “Correct”

Dad: “Good, I thought you were a total faggot…”

no meat

fischfail, June, 28, 2013…

When first relating the story of my new diet to my grandmother…

Grandmother: “Are you even able to eat anymore? Won’t you die?”

fischfail, June, 28, 2013…

When first relating the story of my new diet to the family of ErinLovesTheWeb

Grandmother: “We are going to order pizza… Want us to order you a salad or something?”

fischfail, June, 28, 2013…

When eating a dish of corn and peas in a basil sauce one night.

LuzOb: “We are you going to start eating real food again?”

fischfail, June, 28, 2013…

I’ve always been allergic to tuna, I cannot tell you why, but I cannot consume it… If I do, i become violently ill. A lot of people know this little fact about me. About two months after my official end to meat consumption, LuzOb approaches me with this:

LuzOb: “You can still eat fish right? I mean it is good for you…”

me: “With how long it has been since eating meat, that would probably be a terrible idea…”

LuzOb: “But you probably should, you know for your heart or whatever.”

me: “Sure.”

LuzOb: “So, why can’t you eat Tuna, again?”

me: “I don’t really know”

LuzOb: “You should try again, maybe you won’t die.”

me: “Do you even consider the things you say?”

fischfail, June, 28, 2013…

One night, ErinLovesTheWeb and my I went to get a bite to eat, and I ordered some vegetarian dish.

Waitress: “Would you like any beef, chicken, or steak cooked into that?”

me: “No thank you, I am a vegetarian.”

Waitress: “…Would you like it on the side, then?”

mistake

fischfail, June, 28, 2013…

One day I arrived at my parent’s house to meet with them and just hang out for a bit… Being an average concerned parent, my dad asked me a simple enough question.

Dad: “You hungry?”

me: “Yeah, a little bit.”

Dad: “There is some meatloaf in the fridge.”

me: “Heh, dad, I. I. I, I don’t eat meat anymore, remember?”

Dad: “Well, shit. I guess there is some… Watermelon, or some other not meat shit, in there…

fischfail, June, 28, 2013…

Misc quotes to come from various sources whose back-stories do not matter or have occurred too frequently to care about it.

LuzOb: “One of these days I’m going to cook you a vegetarian dish, and when you aren’t looking, I’m going to drop a pound of bacon in it”

Anonymous: “Can you even order pizza anymore?”

Grimnir: “How much do you miss bacon?”

LuzOb’s brother: “There is some pepperoni pizza in there if. you… want……. Nevermind.”

Poi

fischfail, June, 28, 2013…

I have been spinning poi on and off for a few years now, as a result, I have felt my fair share of injuries, which gives way to this conversation, and proves once and for all, size does matter.

Guy: “Man, I could never do that shit, I would be too afraid of hitting myself in the dick… Or the face.”

me: “Yeah, both happen.”

Guy: “Fuck that, I couldn’t do it.”

me: “I wasn’t asking you to?”

Guy: “Nope, not me. Now give me glow sticks on string and I will play with that shit.”

me: “I’ve done both, these are actually much more forgiving that glow sticks, in terms of impact…”

Guy: “Fuck that, those things are massive, they must kill.”

poi

fischfail, June, 28, 2013…

I was spinning in my front yard one day, and two kid walking down the street decided to ask me some questions.

Person: “What are you doing?”

me: “It is called poi, it”

Person: interrupting me, “Is it like karate?”

me: “Karate? No, if anything it is more like Tai Chi, wh…”

Person: again interrupting me, “So, you’re saying it is like anime. Man, you’re fucking stupid.”

fischfail, June, 28, 2013…

I was spinning in my front yard one day with Grimnir when a car stopped in front of the house and asked me to come to vehicle, briefly

Person: “What are you doing?”

me: “It is called poi. It is a lot of fun and can be quite relaxing.”

Person: “I see you out here all the time, and I was just curious. Is it like being a magician?”

me: “Not exactly. It is more similar to yo-yo than sleight of hand, although you can incorporate bits of sleight of hand.”

Person: “Cool. So could I learn that in a week or so?”

me: “Probably, not…”

fischfail, June, 28, 2013…

One night I was playing with some LED-glow poi in the front yard, and a “house-guest,” stepped outside for a cigarette. As a brief note, I would like to point out I have been sober for quite some time now (years), but we will see the relevance there, momentarily.

Person: “Man, that is cool as fuck. One of these days I going to bring over some pot and some hallucinogens, and I will pay you to do that.”

me: “You know, not all events are made better with drugs…”

Person: “Whatever you say… So when do you want to do getting fucked up and spin?”

me: “…Go away.”

I think that is going to be it for now. The actual page should be up and available soon. Hope to hear some great stories from you guys.

 
fischfail_sig2


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So as I sit here with my fellow authors, Luzob and Mr.Fail, I truly feel a wave of shame wash over me. I’ve complained a lot lately about feeling stagnant, stuck in a state of limbo as i am between jobs and semesters of school, and yet for some reason I have been absent from our humble little blog. I plan to change that.

Every Friday will be Firearm Friday, where i will either post a video of myself testing a boomstick or write a post about a certain weapon that I would love to add to my collection.

Every Monday will be about something that happened at school, because as all you current and former students know, some seriously messed up shit can happen on a “normal” Monday.

Every Wednesday will be Odin’s day. I’ll be posting wisdom in one form or another that I hope will enrich your lives as much as it does mine.

Every Thursday will be Thor’s day. This will be a post about armed combat, sometimes including a video of said combat taking place right here at Fisch Fail Inc.

Our prior absence will now be followed by posts the likes of which NONE of us have ever seen.

May the gods watch over you

Måtte Æser ser deg

Grim

Grimnir


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I was browsing Reddit that other day (surprising, I know), and I came across a link (I cannot remember it at this time), but it was an album of pictures the user took from inside a book. I present to you, some limericks.

Limerick 1

Limerick 2

Click here, to continue reading !


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Hermit!

That is what I have been lately, So sorry fans

A lot has gone down lately in life.

Sorry to Fisch Fail INC for being gone so long, who knows when I will be back again.

Debating on going back to school….. I think I need to but I don’t want to… still deciding.

Also dealing with issues inside my head I guess it’s what we call stress, and there is a lot of it in there!

Been spending a lot of time with a special friend who has been through so much in the last few months and she is

a very sweet girl, confused but sweet nonetheless. My heart has grown big for her but I have no place in hers.

Rather friendship then nothing at all I guess but how long can I torture myself. I love her family, she even got me going

going back to church and I love it. I try to separate myself from her sometimes but then I feel like I am abandoning her

and that is not what she needs now. She needs me and her family and her church family. We are good to her.

On another note, my mom is getting older and I grow worrisome of her health sometimes, it’s just another added stress.

Five years ago I seen myself in a different place then I am in now, I want to know what happened? Did I fall off? Did

I give up? I am still here though even though times are hard and I’ve been told its gets harder before it gets any

better.

I guess that’s just life! Thanks for listening fans I will try to visit more often with more uplifting stories!!! tata!!


Alright, so I know it’s a common phrase, especially today with this fucking “YOLO” busllshit (seriously, stop abbreviating, you sound fucking ridiculous) but for the love of the gods, you only live ONCE.

Honestly, have you really ever thought about that? Not just “yeah, I guess that’s true” but like “HOLY FUCK, I GOTTA LIVE IT UP!!!!!!”

I’ve just had this epiphany about 6 months ago, and life could not be simpler. I mean really, you need to just DO IT, because you may never have another chance. And if you get hurt, oh well that’s life. If it kills you, so what we all die anyway. Just learn to say FUCK IT every once in a while.

What I’m trying to say, everyone, is this:

Measure your life not in the years you’ve lived, but in the fullness that you lived them.

May the gods watch over you

Måtte Æser ser deg

Grimnir Odinsson

Weightloss Journey!

Posted: July 9, 2012 by MoonPie in Random, Sports, Weight Loss, Writing, WTF
Tags: , , ,

It’s been just over 4 months now since I’ve started my workout routine. I am proud to say its been a very successful journey. I am stronger, leaner and feel a whole lot better.
I’m down a whole 40 lbs since I started! The plus side is I haven’t changed much on my diet. Drink more water and less pop is all that I have changed.
I owe it all to P90X and the support of a few of my friends who continually push me to the limit! Thanks guys!

I’ll keep you all posted as I lose more
weight!