Fischisms

Ok, so FischFail and I  have been seeing each other for a while. He’s great! Our relationship has progressed to the point that we now have sleepovers, if you know what I mean. Through these sleepovers I have discovered a whole new side of him that I would like to share with you (get your mind out of the gutter): He talks in his sleep.

Sleep talkers are amusing enough, but I have found that Fisch takes it to a new level. We have come to call the phrases he spouts during sleeping hours Fischisms. I have decided to share the choicest with you here…

Him: “So, what’s this website do?”
Me: “What?”
Him: (Incoherent mumbling)
Me: “I think you’re asleep…”
Him: “Obviously”
Me: “What website are you talking about?”
Him: “I don’t know, the one that helps people and shit…”

Him: “There’s chocolate cake in the oven.”
Me: “Oh?”
Him: “Don’t question it.”

“I’ve got to step up to the streets and take care of crime.”

“Geeze! It’s like you followed someone into a dark alley and pulled a gun on them saying, “Give me your pants!” And after they did, you just walked away.”

“The only thing that would make this better is being fed ice cream on a spoon by a naked chicken.”

Him:  “I’m trying to stockpile all of my shit but Walmart doesn’t have any of it.”
Me: “Any of what?”
Him: “The stuff I need to stockpile. Because the world is ending. Haven’t you noticed?”

Me:  “He’s asleep, leave him alone.”
Him: “No I’m not. You’re asleep.” Snore.

“I want a caramel cast of your butt cheeks. Is that too much to ask?”

“I found a Hanson video… Mine!”

Him: “Yeah?”
Me: “Yeah?”
Him: “Do it!”
Me: “Do what?”
Him: “I don’t know. You’ll figure it out.”
Me: ~giggle~
Him: “Don’t laugh. This is serious business.”

“How do I look she says. Hmmmm. You might as well have been wearing an embroidered suit to a bar.”

“Christopher Walken is being held captive. Ok. So as his dot intersects Venus. Ok. He has money and has badass. He kills his one guard and breaks out of prison. By the way prison is a homemade jail cell in trees. So as his dot becomes closer to the awesome he becomes more badass and can start doing magic. He laughs at two-handed weapons. So anyways after Christopher Walken kills like 400 fucking guards. He is bleeding and bleeding means death, but he’s Christopher Walken and he can’t die.”

Him: “I wish I could fly.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “Because then I could kill bugs on the ceiling.”

“I love you. Almost as much as cheese. Wait. Reverse that. I never wanted to put my penis in cheese.”

“Like a swiss cake roll only bigger and awesomer.” – Said in the middle of his sleep before rolling over and snoring.

“Aren’t you supposed to be awake, crushing some kid’s dreams?”

Him: “I just shrunked-ed in size”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “I ate the bad mushroom.”

Me: “Ok Love I’m headed out.”
Him: “Ok. But no half-off pancakes.”

Him: “I’m gonna need Loci back.”
Me: “You mean like the Norse god of chaos?”
Him: “Yeah. I’m gonna need him back.”

Him: “You gonna finish your orange juice?”
Me: “I don’t have any orange juice.”
Him: “Oh. Nevermind then.”

“I’m Batman. Can’t you tell by my unintelligible voice?”

“I like you. I like you alot dammit. But sometimes, I just want to cover you in jello.” (Later when hearing about this statement while he was still half asleep: “But not lime jello. It’s all green and squishy.”)

“I have the Tango Maureen stuck in my head. Only it is Batman and Spiderman.”

Him: “I wish I was Shirley.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “Because then my name would be Shirley.”
Me: “Would you be a pretty princess?”
Him: “I would be the prettiest princess in all the land.”

“Stop with the pouty face and put your head back on my boob.”

“Some day when you least expect it you’re gonna wake up with my penis on your ear.”

Him: “I would be highly cultured and speak 45 languages, including Latinese.”
Me: “Latinese?”
Him: “It’s a highly developed in my brain language combining Latin and Japanese to confuse my enemies.”

“I want to put my penis in my butt. Testicles you are in my way… I’m not gay. I just think it would be fun.”

Him: “I think I just broke my brain.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “I want to make a slide show about slide shows discussing why they are awesome.”

“I want a lunchable. I want Arby’s. I want an Arby’s Lunchable!”

“Make the light go away… it hurts my face holes!”

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