Posts Tagged ‘Norse’


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So, I am dedicating today to story time, motherfuckers.

Most of the authors of this blog (past, present, and possibly future) know of the story of Tyr’s sacrifice. But most have never heard this telling.

And for you readers who have no idea who the fuck I am talking about, allow me to explain.

Today’s story comes from Corey O’Brien… The author of . If you have never gone there, go ahead a read this post and then take a peek. Totally fucking worth it. So, Mr. O’Brien also published a book titled , if you haven’t read it, do yourself a favor, go buy the fucking book and read it.

 

Cover of Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes

Here is what the fucking book looks like.

Okay, now that I have done some promotional work (*cough cough* Mr. O’Brien), let me tell you the fucking story of Tyr’s sacrifice.

This story (located in Zeus grants stupid wishes*) is called “Fenrir is a DILF”.

So one day, Loki’s wandering around Jotunheim
and he sees this chick Angrboða
pronounced ANGER BOW THE
and he is like “Well, I know she’s pretty ugly
and her name is kinda a reference book entry for THE ANGER BOW
but you know what?
I’m gonna tap that
and have three kids with that
and all three of those kids are going to be horrible beasts that bring on the apocalypse.
I see no problem with this.”

So for now, let’s just focus on the first kid:
a giant wolf named Fenrir.
Now Loko brings baby Fenrir to Asgard
and the Aesir all instantly know that this wolf is gonna be the death of them
mainly because it is a GIANT WOLF NAMED FENRIR.
But instead of doing anything about it
they decide to see if they can just raise it as their own
presumably because they don’t want to hurt Loki’s feelings.
So this god Tyr
the god of single combat and being awesome
gets put in charge of feeding Fenrir
because he’s the only person with sufficient testicular mass to actually go near the wolf
and Fenrir gets bigger
and bigger
and holy shit bigger
until the gods start to be like “Uhh…
we should really do something about this wolf.”
So what they do is they make a really big metal chain.
This chain is so incredibly massive
that they don’t feel right until they give it a name
the name is Leyding.
So they go up to Fenrir like “Hey man
I bet you totally can’t break out of this chain.”
And Fenrir is like “Okay, bring it.”
So they tie him up
and he pretty much just breaks the chain like cobwebs
and he gets famous because of that
and the gods are like “Fuck, that backfired.
Okay, let’s make a better chain.”
so they make a chain
that is TWO TIMES AS STRONG
and they name it Dromi
and they go back to Fenrir
like “Bet you can’t break THIS chain.”
And Fenrir is like “I don’t know if I want to let you tie me up again.”
And the gods are like “Don’t you want to be double famous?”
and Fenrir is like “Ugh, okay.”

SO he lets them tie him up again
and he flexes a little, but the chain doesn’t break
so then he kicks the chain, and it does break
and the gods are like “Okay
we definately need a better chain.
Somebody call the dwarves.”
So the dwarves are like “Okay
the mistake you guys have been making
if you have been trying to make a chain
out of actual things that exist
such as metal
instead of abstract concepts
such as the sound of a cat’s footfall
along with the roots of a mountain
the sinews of a bear
the beard of a woman–
remember, these are dwarves–
and the breath of a fish, and the spit of a bird
so that’s why you can’t hear cats walking around
and mountains don’t have roots
and fish don’t breathe, and birds don’t spit
but I think bears still probably have sinews
and I have definitely met me some bearded ladies
so I guess the dwarves were not that thorough.

But anyway
somehow they manage to distill all this shit into THE ULTIMATE CHAIN
Except it’s not a chain, it’s a ribbon called Gleipnir.
It is thin and pink and soft
and the gods go and bring it to Fenrir
and are like “Bet you can’t get out of this ribbon.”
And Fenrir is like “Come ON, guys.
There is no fame to be gained from breaking a little girl’s pretty, pretty princess bow.
Plus, this is OBVIOUSLY a trap.”
And the gods are like “A trap? Whaaaat>
Why would we trap you?
What do you think we are
desperately afraid of you or something?
We just thought
that if the great wolf Fenrir
was too much of a pussnexus
to let himself get tied up by a pretty pink ribbon
we might just go and tell everybody about that
and then they would laugh at you.”
So Fenrir is like “OKAY FINE.
But I seriously don’t trust you guys
so how about I let you tie me up
if one of you puts your hand in my mouth as collateral.”
And all the gods are like “Um… well…”
Until Tyr is a FUCKING BADASS
moved almost to the point of vomiting
but what tremendous wusses all his friends are.

So then they tie Fenrir up
and Fenrir flexes
and then he tries kicking
and then he tries flailing around like a fucking lunatic
but that ribbon does not break
and he is like “DAMMIT.”
And he bits of Tyr’s hand
and everyone laughs at Fenrir
except for Tyr
because he just got his hand bit off.
And Fenrir is all trying to scream and bite everyone
so they jam a sword in his mouth to keep it open forever
and Fenrir drools so much
that it makes an entire fucking river
called “hope” is Norse for some reason
like this is some kind of fucked up morbid motivational poster.
HOPE:
YOU WILL EVENTUALLY ESCAPE YOUR HELLISH PRISON
AND RAIN DEATH AND FIRE UPON MIDGARD
Because actually that is what the Norse prophecy says.
It says that eventually, at the end of the world
Fenrir will get loose and eat Odin.

So I guess the moral of the story
is that if your friend keeps bringing home his mutant babies
it is not your responsibility to raise those babies.

Remember this.

So, there’s a fucking story for you.

How did that make you feel?

The reason I read is to ask:

What would you sacrifice for the greater good?

Now, honestly I don’t really expect anyone to answer, but it would be fucking sweet if you did.

Anyways, more Tacopocalypse information coming very soon.

* (This story also exists on the website at but slightly different.)

 

fischfail_sig2

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FFI is Getting Srs

Posted: April 2, 2013 by luzob in Random
Tags: , , ,

or… Luz’z Lovely Soapbox.

So this is my final year as an undergrad! YAY! I will be getting my degree by this time next year! MORE YAY! and I will be up to my Norse nipples in debt! YAY? So I basically have just one pic for you today, fellow FFI’ers… tl;dr it’s about American student debt and reason #2390548723 as to why I wish I was in Norway.

https://i0.wp.com/i.imgur.com/5GvWV.jpg


taken from http://www.sooofun.com/wtf-is-wrong-with-americans/

so there you go… I’ll be in Norway with my free education and Vikingness… you have fun with sad debt and not-Vikingness

LuzOb


Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is already done. Also don’t forget to follow our antics on both Facebook and Twitter. Thanks!

So yep… finally back onto the posting flow… I hope? anyway…

Just a quickie for right now as mostly a shameless plug or myself and a site.

…ever go to woot.com? yeah me neither…

no seriously though I just wanted to share with our Norse Pagan friends this shirt:

Níðhöggr!

and if you look into the “Discuss this Deal” section you’ll see…

ME! see? we’re shameless here!

yup… finally a real-life celebrity now… but hold your gnashing of teeth and lamentations for later, for now it is bedtime!

LuzOb

Nine Realms Learning Poem

Posted: November 3, 2012 by luzob in Random
Tags: , , , , ,

Nine Realms Learning Poem.


Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is already done. Also don’t forget to follow our antics on both Facebook and Twitter. Thanks!

Hey guys, I’m not sure why this was never posted, although there is several authors who could have posted this particular story.Viking longship

So, I will tell it. At least as well as my fading memory will allow me to. If I am missing something, I apologize, but perhaps LuzOb, Drezirale, or Ullersson could fill in the blanks, they were there as well.

I don’t remember the date, and even to attempt to give one would be an insult to all of you, I do know it was a warm night in June or July (another reason some of my memories are fading).

But first, go ahead and click play on the song below and continue reading.

The plans had been made, LuzOb and Ullersson were going to meet for drink, cigars, and all the festivities that go along with those. And that is were the story begins. Soon after Drezirale joined the party.

Click here, to continue reading !


Dark Horse Comics

Dark Horse Comics (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So WordPress it’s been some time yes? Well I figured this would be as good a time as any to post as this it all fresh in my head. Normally I avoid names of corporations and people, but this is just not one of those posts. I wish it was, I really do but I just can’t do this that way. Before I begin this somewhat of a rant I really think I should delve out some apologies to avoid those nasty legal issues and hate mail/email/tweets/whatever your medium.

My apologies to the following: FischFail authors, FischFail readers, any particular minority group that takes offense to the rant to follow, the German peoples, people trying to learn new languages, victims of rape from a fatherly figure, followers of the Asatru religion, those offended by swear words, Hulu, the nerd community, readers of comic books, those who watch film and television, NBC Universal, people who like to bitch a lot, victims of the Aurora Colorado tragedy and their families, Heath Ledger friends/family/fans, Anne Hathaway, Jake Gyllenhaal, Christopher Nolan, DC Comics, Marvel Comics, Dark Horse ComicsWalt Disney co. (I actually hit you guys a lot so I want to make you bold), Warner Brothers Entertainment, the homosexual community, Capcom, cutters, 20th Century Fox, People who enjoy classic literature, and the Japanese.
If I missed you and you were offended I apologize for offending you and missing you. Nice huh? You get two.
If you are offended people get two or more when you get less I apologize for that.
If you feel you deserve more for missing you I apologize. {n(x) Go to 13 or 26 depending on your resolution} x = Infinity
If I have not offended you… Fuck you, and I apologize.

Now that the ass saving portion is out of the way lets get down to the brass tacks shall we? So I have recently gotten into the NBC show Grimm. the new season actually already started, I was just catching up on Hulu. If you have never seen it I’m sorry but Hulu had some lame ass time limit on and now you have to have HuluPlus to watch them. I almost didn’t make the time limit myself. I would have been really pissed had I not been able to continue. I digress, Hulu was cool for a hot second now they grubs for the cash, not my point. My point is I went online to find different theories and fan interpretations of the show once I had been caught up. This is what I do, I’m really lame about this, deal with it. However, I was distraughten… Hold on, I know what you are thinking “Distraugten? That’s not a word.” Well if NBC Universal can make up fucking words then so can I. Oh, well I’m getting ahead of myself now, just bare with me. My point is soon to come. Did you notice how I just rambled on for three paragraphs without getting to the meat of this post? Kind of annoying right? (See Apologies Section: Fichfail Readers.)

Right, so I was distressed to see many people actually do not care for this show. This would not normally bother me save for the fact that these reasons, to be quite frank are… kind of fucking stupid. Don’t get me wrong, I have my share of not caring for things for stupid reasons myself, but I don’t bitch about it. Trust me, I’ll get into that later. For now, lets just focus on the topic of the Grimm tv show. I saw people bitching about how the races of the creatures make very little sense or were the “wrong word” to describe them. There were people posting blogs such as this one in hopes the network producers will see the error of their ways. Lets get something straight first of all. Networks do not care about small time blogs much like this one. The reason I have some of them listed in the apologies section at all is for a jovial tone. I mean really, we describe in great detail our experiences taking a shit. Do you really think big network wants to take us seriously? No, the only thing networks look at individuals is if you steal from them or the ever rare audience poll. You know, for rating and what have you.

This aside, there is another aspect of the problem that is wrong. The fact that this show is using the “wrong words” to describe things. I want to make this very clear that it’s a fiction show! Thus, who really gives a fuck. If you don’t like it turn it the fuck off. You want NBC to know how wrong they are? Show them what one less viewer does to them. Note: Sarcasm does not portray well through text. Though the show is loosely based on the tales of The Grimm Fables, and loosely is heavily implied here. The races of the people are entirely made the fuck up. they could be called Gofukyerselvin and I wouldn’t care. This is because, aside from the main character no one is based on any one concrete story or fable. Even still, I my opinion it’s better then what happened when Walt Disney got his rapacious hands on the stories. You can at least admit they are dark like The Brothers Grimm intended.

The only other problem I have with this is the people who say these things. I will be willing to grant leniency to people who German is their first language. Even more so those who speak Old Germanic as a first language, seeing as how the original text of the Grimm books were written in that and I’m assuming where some of the naming of the races in the tv show come from. I’m sure NBC can hire teams of people who can fluently speak the aforementioned languages. You know because it’s a better way to spend money than keeping Eureka running for a few more seasons, but no, I’m not bitter or anything. My point is however, who are you to say what’s right unless you can fluently speak the language. There were a few people that claim they are Germans in Germany who speak German. For this, I call bullshit. This is due in part to the fact there are several references to Adolf Hitler and an episode with his image. Now correct me if I’m wrong but does not the German government try to lock that shit away and any knowledge of it like a teenage girl trying to repress the memory of her father molesting her in a drunken fit? Like, I think people can get arrested and shit over there for even mentioning his name. Though, I could be wrong and then these people would have a bit more of a valid standing point.

Though this actually got me thinking about other art mediums people have bitched about. Take for instance the movie Thor. Those who like/follow Norse Mythos know there were no black people in Ancient Scandinavia. Thus, there would be no black people in Valhalla. The people who told these stories were Norse and so the people they wrote/told about would also be Norse. This is not racism, it’s just simple historical fact. Though, in the movie there was Heimdall blacker than a svartálfar. The truth of the matter is even in the comics he’s still Norse. I know these comics are not exactly accurate to the story of Thor a lot of the time but he was still Norse. This was because of what I like to call the Nick Fury effect. Nick Fury himself was also a white male but after the Iron Man movie they decided to cast him as a black man. Then shortly after, poof, suddenly black in all other media. I actually welcome this, I feel Nick Fury was meant to be a black guy. However, when comics were in their infancy was between the 20’s-50’s. Can you think of a race that wasn’t to popular during that time period? So because the business was was dominated by white males, most of the characters were… white males. Do you sense a pattern here? Read back up by the Norse Mythos section if you don’t really get it.

So in order to actually break into the media these minority groups have to speak up against current reproductions of old stories that do not include them. To some of you it may not seem fair to have something you grew up knowing as one thing change like that on the screen. The problem is you really cannot do anything about. The big film industries are going to listen to the minority groups rather than a bunch of comic nerds and vikings. The fact of the matter is after two hundred or so years of oppression, they’ve gotten a lot more organized and better at bitching than you. One particular instance was the Capcom game Resident Evil 5. There was this big sphell about how it’s wrong that all the zombies were black… in Africa… you know where all black people can trace their heritage to. So now they want black people taken out of this game. I know right? First you want to be put in media, now you want to be taken out? Make up your fucking mind. I personally did not know what came of this because I shut the game off within five minutes and never touched it again. Not because of this debacle mind you, because it just really fucking sucked. The shit made Final Fantasy 7 look playable. So I tried that again… and wanted to slit my wrists with the three broken disks. Square-Enix and fans of Final Fantasy 7 you will find there is no apology for you. You know what you did…

Though I am not without my bias. Luz-Ob will attest this one. I refuse to go see Dark Knight Rises in theaters. I’m a huge fan of Batman and everyone thought I was going to see it opening night. First of all, fuck paying $13 for ANY fucking movie. It could be Pleasure Sex Eyeball Fuck 3 in 5D for all I care and I’ll still wait until the matinee. My main issue with this the fact that a white guy was playing Bane. “But Drez what about your Thor rant?” First of all, fuck you no one is perfect. Secondly, I didn’t say I agree with the choice for Heimdall, just Fury. Thirdly, Bane’s race is pivotal to origin story. Going back to my Thor rant no Heimdall’s race is not really pivotal to his origin but all the same do not agree. Fury, not pivotal and I accept it. I’m also not a fan of Catwoman’s outfit. It’s almost as if they stole Black Widow’s out fit and put cat ear’s on it. Now, these are minor issues I have with the movies. Hell, based on these things alone I’d still go see them. I’m just a huge DC fan and hold all of their movies to a ridiculously high standard that no one meets. I have just never seen a DC movie I liked. The animated shows are great, and I adore the comics, any thing Bruce Timm or Grant Morrison touch is gold. I can never get into the movies. The Marvel movies are great. Maybe it’s because they know what they are doing or maybe I just don’t have that high standards for Marvel being not that big of a fan, although I worry about the next Avengers movie. If I see another Skrull I think I’ll kill myself. All I know is DC movies are not as good as I would wish them.

Even though the Nolan films are closest to the comics they still pale in comparison to what they could be. They actually really suck and it’s rather depressing they do so good in the box office. I have a theory on this, I believe that it’s all on the media hype. I mean look at the numbers in comparison Batman Begins did $75mil versus the $160mil of both Dark Knight and Dark Knight Rises for opening weekend. It’s simple, the plot of the movie was the same in all three movies, same dark setting, same batman, same “genius” director. What could be different? I’ll tell you, the tragedy surrounding them. I mean with Dark Knight you had the death of Ledger, and with Dark Knight Rises you had the shootings. Both of which tragedies I know, but in an economic sense you can’t buy that kind of publicity. I mean shit, after all of that got out how many people do you think the Batman films were more “edgy” and “dark” and wanted to go for some sick thrill of being somehow connected to a tragedy. I’m human too, don’t think it hasn’t crossed my mind. Everyone has thought of it and it’s normal. So don’t go around thinking I’m crazy like the asshole who shot those people, because I’m not. I just happen to say what’s on my mind and everyone’s.

The Dark Knight got it’s fame because of Ledger’s death. Everyone was all talking about his role and how great he was. Well, that’s bullshit too. Ledger wasn’t the best Joker, even John DiMaggio did a better job then him. I grew up with Hamill  as my Joker and in my eyes has captured every aspect The Joker needed. Yes, The Joker is dark but he’s also very animated. The point here I’m trying to make is Heath Ledger was a great actor but a shit Joker. Perhaps if he stuck to hitting people with sticks on horses and taking Jake Gyllenhaal to pound town he’d still be alive. Don’t think for a second either that the people behind the Dark Knight franchise didn’t market on that. The only reason Anne Hathaway got to be Catwoman was the first degree of six in relation to Ledger. If you actually sit down and watch the movie without thinking about Ledger’s death you’ll see what I mean and maybe someday I’ll watch Dark Knight Rises when it’s free on the tv. Though as it stands it’s not looking good.

To wrap all of this up bitching never stops anything. None of these big companies will change their ways and the Batman movies will never live up to my standards. Even me bitching about people bitching, which is what this whole post is anyway will never stop them. Even I won’t stop bitching long enough to listen to my own hypocritical advice. The way it works is you either accept status quo or you get in the business and change it yourself. Now you may wonder if this is the way I think then why did I do all of this bitching? Well, bitching to a smaller audience has it’s advantages. If at least one person who thinks bitching about things they can’t change is a good way to go reads this, then I can hope to change the way they see the world. Hopefully, this can spread and we can have a nation of people who want to change shit instead of bitching….. or we become a bunch of defeatists like the Japanese, you know, whatever works.