Posts Tagged ‘Random’


Good day, weary travelers! It’s time for another Fun Fact, or at least this one is fun for me. Do you like dinosaurs kids?

Why am I even asking; EVERYONE LOVES DINOSAURS!!!!

The Jurassic Park series is one of my favorites in cinema history. Not because it’s cinematically revolutionary or anything like that, but because it’s what I grew up with. When I was a kid, I was at the Natural History museum a couple times a week. I love dinosaurs, hence the fact that I am pursuing a degree in paleontology. Now, although I love Jurassic Park, it is scientifically ridiculous. There are so many things it gets wrong that I don’t know where to start. So I’ll just go over the big one I have in mind; Velociraptors.

Above: Utahraptor, Below: Velociraptor

In Jurassic Park, Velociraptors are big and menacing, depicted as being as tall or taller than a fully grown man. This is not the case. the Velociraptor was actually closer to the size of a turkey. What you see in the movies is closer to the Utahraptor. I think you can see why they didn’t call them that; it doesn’t sound as cool. As you can see from the pictures above, the Velociraptor was small. That’s not to say it couldn’t have likely eviscerated a human being if it really wanted to, but the obvious creative liberties stand.

And don’t even get me started on the Mosasaurus in Jurassic World… Regardless of how miffed I get as a science major, the kid in me forgives Spielberg for the ridiculous inaccuracies.

Until next time, folks!

 

~Grim


Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is (probably) already done. Also don’t forget to follow my antics (i.e. stupidity) on Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Also, feel free to follow a possible descent into alcoholism at Untappd. Thanks!

Wow, what a weird fucking year.

Another year has come and gone, and like every year it is time for us to reflect on the year’s successes and failures, changes, and lessons learned.

Okay, so in reality we have done a post like this in a few years, however we usually all get together and discuss it. This year is a little different.

So, with no real care regarding the order of events here are some of the things that happened this year.

First, lets begin with one of the unofficial anthems of FFI during 2014.

 

 

For the first 8 months of 2014 there were two posts. A post regarding the sensational band, Baby Metal. And LuzOb’s annual post dedicated to the ringleader of this nightmare, me. It had been a rough year and summer for us all, and we were still reeling from losses and personal demons. We had all talked, extensively, about bringing “The blog” back, but never actually got around to doing anything about it. And once again, FFI almost went the way of the dinosaurs. And despite, continuously getting new followers, fans, and friends, we just couldn’t come back.

Then starting in August, we started posting some regularity again, even hashing out the plans for an event aptly named the #Tacopocalypse. And while the plan was the have the party (where no one fucking comes) before the end of the year, certain other events have prevented that. Don’t worry, we are still planning on having a taco destruction party. Look for it in Q1 (that’s right, some fucking business terms there… Because that’s we are, a business. Or something).

And now onto news that isn’t the same as always (i.e. we have this thing we are going to do… Look, we didn’t do it! Like always.)

Former author Drezirale, who said his goodbyes with us last year (Well, it was a hell of a ride), not only married this year, but also announced they are having a baby. Who would’ve thought?

After a few years of spinning poi, I finally decided to light a pair ablaze and hurl them around my body is a rhythmic pattern. Somewhere a few of the FFI “authors” (yeah, I’m calling you out, ErinLovesTheWeb(who is technically an editor) and Grimnir) have video of this event. Maybe one day they will appear here. Since then, there have been many other such sessions.

Next! Over the years, there have been many authors and contributors who have lived at The house that Fisch Fail, INC. built, and over time many of left the nest (so to speak). And now, the original member, the O.G. if you will has also decided to depart the homestead. Recently LuzOb announced he would be leaving his childhood home, in search of a new life, and while we remain in contact with him, our thoughts are with him. And in case you missed it, here is the list of authors who at one time or another have lived with LuzOb…

Eldwardo
Drezirale
ErinLovesTheWeb
FischFailFrog
Grimnir

In other news, one day I will learn how to use the tools presented here and quit forgetting to do stupid shit (like title the fucking post…).

ErinLovesTheWeb and I moved into a place of our own, finally. It is a crappy little one-bedroom apartment, that works well for us.

One day, I was driving home after a complete shit week, just fucking awful. And LuzOb called me and heard my having an angry explosion. Just flipping out, probably to a dangerous level. A little while he sent me the following message:

“Well our friendship is old enough to drink and I did that whole “learn to help” nonsense as a major. Lemme know what I can do. You’ve been helping me with a lot of nonsense lately too. Throughout my life I’ve had many friends, two actual brothers, and a handful of brothers and sisters through the Theod. There had always been one person whom I’ve called my Brother despite blood relation and even before a spiritual connection. We’ve gone through a lot there 22 years or so, and I want to let you know that you really mean a lot to me. I know things have been a little tricky and rough these past few years but you’ve changed so much for the better. You know those outbursts you had this evening? Those were the norm in the past for you, yet are a rarity now. Look forward, my Brother, for there are great things in store for someone as wonderful as you. Thank you for letting me know there still are those who are strong in body, mind, and heart in this world. Goodnight.”

My drunken mind, began crying. Thank you, Luz. Thank you.

In final news, for this post, and probably the year. After nearly five-years of dating, I finally got the courage to ask ErinLovesTheWeb for her hand in marriage. And as of Christmas Eve, her ring finger is shinier. It is pretty sweet. LuzOb knew about the proposal beforehand (kind of), and he demanded to know the details as they happened. So, when I sent him a picture of ErinLovesTheWeb holding up her hand and glowing / smiling like a fucking lunatic (unfortunately, I am at work and can’t really upload photos, but maybe I will upload it a little later), his reply was:

“I teared up. No lie.”

I love that guy, take that as you will.

For now, friends. I hope your year was good for growth, experience, and life. And if it was not, I am sorry. But, let’s try and make 2015 a good time for us all. Until next year, stay both safe and drunk. Especially stay safe if you are planning on being drunk.

fischfail_sig2

Can you taste it?

Posted: November 13, 2014 by fischfail in Tacopocalypse
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is (probably) already done. Also don’t forget to follow my antics (i.e. stupidity) on Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Also, feel free to follow a possible descent into alcoholism at Untappd. Thanks!

Can you?

Can you taste the deliciousness of the taco as it enters your mouth? As you bite down for the first time? Can you feel the bite separate from the rest of the hand held tastiness?

Can you smell the taco fumes wafting throughout the room, filling the air with its delicious hunger-inducing scent?

Are you getting hungry? Are you getting excited to join the Fisch Fail, INC. taco party? Of course you are, don’t be silly.

So I promised an update regarding the Tacopocalypse, and tonight you receive it.

With LuzOb out of state and basically every other author living in the nether (hopefully training for their contributions to the Tacopocalypse), I decided it was time to let everyone in on a little more information.

But first, let’s review.

1) We are throwing a party. No one is supposed to physically join.
2) The idea, you buy / create tacos (recipe of your choice. See how accommodating we are?)
3) You take pictures / video of the before, the during, and the after. We want to see all the dirty taco destruction you have. Smash it into your mouth hole(s?), beat a taco with a baseball bat, throw it at your wife*. We don’t care what you do with the tacos, as long as they get “destroyed,” and you send us pictures or video and possibly hang out in a group chat (how else are we going to get that “Crunch heard ’round the world” sound?).
4) We would prefer you not to submit pictures of “taco poops,” although I don’t believe we are banning them (unless that becomes a major thing).

And that is basically the concept. At this point, you may be saying, “but fischfail, what else could you have to explain?” And I might reply with something like….

A date, motherfucker!

Or…. As close to one as I have currently.

Right now, I am looking at early January… Maybe late December… Maybe I am thinking New Years. I don’t quite know, but I am interested in what everyone thinks about possible date.

Seriously, let us fucking know. And let your friends know. Then have your friends let us know when they think the fucking date should be.

I think that is it for right now. Maybe a non-taco post soon. Maybe.

Maybe ever post from now until then will be about tacos… I guess we might have to wait and see.

And until then. Remember FFI loves you. We show it by staying away for long periods of time.

* Fisch Fail, INC. does not recommend actually chucking tacos at your partner, but if you do happen to toss a taco at them, we do encourage you to, at the very least, get a picture. I mean, otherwise what would have been the point?

Eh, maybe some real news tomorrow. Maybe.

But this weekend for sure. Real news, that is my promise to you.**

**I still suck at promises. Blow me.

Seriously, we love hearing from you guys. I love waking up early in the morning and seeing a bunch of fan stuff. Make it happen more often. Seriously, want to see my face when I see your interactions with us?

FISCH FUCKING FAIL!

FISCH FUCKING FAIL!

And because I haven’t said it in a long fucking time: Welcome to all our new followers. Feel free to interact with us, we are pretty sweet.

fischfail_sig2


Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is (probably) already done. Also don’t forget to follow my antics (i.e. stupidity) on Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Also, feel free to follow a possible descent into alcoholism at Untappd. Thanks!

So, I am dedicating today to story time, motherfuckers.

Most of the authors of this blog (past, present, and possibly future) know of the story of Tyr’s sacrifice. But most have never heard this telling.

And for you readers who have no idea who the fuck I am talking about, allow me to explain.

Today’s story comes from Corey O’Brien… The author of . If you have never gone there, go ahead a read this post and then take a peek. Totally fucking worth it. So, Mr. O’Brien also published a book titled , if you haven’t read it, do yourself a favor, go buy the fucking book and read it.

 

Cover of Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes

Here is what the fucking book looks like.

Okay, now that I have done some promotional work (*cough cough* Mr. O’Brien), let me tell you the fucking story of Tyr’s sacrifice.

This story (located in Zeus grants stupid wishes*) is called “Fenrir is a DILF”.

So one day, Loki’s wandering around Jotunheim
and he sees this chick Angrboða
pronounced ANGER BOW THE
and he is like “Well, I know she’s pretty ugly
and her name is kinda a reference book entry for THE ANGER BOW
but you know what?
I’m gonna tap that
and have three kids with that
and all three of those kids are going to be horrible beasts that bring on the apocalypse.
I see no problem with this.”

So for now, let’s just focus on the first kid:
a giant wolf named Fenrir.
Now Loko brings baby Fenrir to Asgard
and the Aesir all instantly know that this wolf is gonna be the death of them
mainly because it is a GIANT WOLF NAMED FENRIR.
But instead of doing anything about it
they decide to see if they can just raise it as their own
presumably because they don’t want to hurt Loki’s feelings.
So this god Tyr
the god of single combat and being awesome
gets put in charge of feeding Fenrir
because he’s the only person with sufficient testicular mass to actually go near the wolf
and Fenrir gets bigger
and bigger
and holy shit bigger
until the gods start to be like “Uhh…
we should really do something about this wolf.”
So what they do is they make a really big metal chain.
This chain is so incredibly massive
that they don’t feel right until they give it a name
the name is Leyding.
So they go up to Fenrir like “Hey man
I bet you totally can’t break out of this chain.”
And Fenrir is like “Okay, bring it.”
So they tie him up
and he pretty much just breaks the chain like cobwebs
and he gets famous because of that
and the gods are like “Fuck, that backfired.
Okay, let’s make a better chain.”
so they make a chain
that is TWO TIMES AS STRONG
and they name it Dromi
and they go back to Fenrir
like “Bet you can’t break THIS chain.”
And Fenrir is like “I don’t know if I want to let you tie me up again.”
And the gods are like “Don’t you want to be double famous?”
and Fenrir is like “Ugh, okay.”

SO he lets them tie him up again
and he flexes a little, but the chain doesn’t break
so then he kicks the chain, and it does break
and the gods are like “Okay
we definately need a better chain.
Somebody call the dwarves.”
So the dwarves are like “Okay
the mistake you guys have been making
if you have been trying to make a chain
out of actual things that exist
such as metal
instead of abstract concepts
such as the sound of a cat’s footfall
along with the roots of a mountain
the sinews of a bear
the beard of a woman–
remember, these are dwarves–
and the breath of a fish, and the spit of a bird
so that’s why you can’t hear cats walking around
and mountains don’t have roots
and fish don’t breathe, and birds don’t spit
but I think bears still probably have sinews
and I have definitely met me some bearded ladies
so I guess the dwarves were not that thorough.

But anyway
somehow they manage to distill all this shit into THE ULTIMATE CHAIN
Except it’s not a chain, it’s a ribbon called Gleipnir.
It is thin and pink and soft
and the gods go and bring it to Fenrir
and are like “Bet you can’t get out of this ribbon.”
And Fenrir is like “Come ON, guys.
There is no fame to be gained from breaking a little girl’s pretty, pretty princess bow.
Plus, this is OBVIOUSLY a trap.”
And the gods are like “A trap? Whaaaat>
Why would we trap you?
What do you think we are
desperately afraid of you or something?
We just thought
that if the great wolf Fenrir
was too much of a pussnexus
to let himself get tied up by a pretty pink ribbon
we might just go and tell everybody about that
and then they would laugh at you.”
So Fenrir is like “OKAY FINE.
But I seriously don’t trust you guys
so how about I let you tie me up
if one of you puts your hand in my mouth as collateral.”
And all the gods are like “Um… well…”
Until Tyr is a FUCKING BADASS
moved almost to the point of vomiting
but what tremendous wusses all his friends are.

So then they tie Fenrir up
and Fenrir flexes
and then he tries kicking
and then he tries flailing around like a fucking lunatic
but that ribbon does not break
and he is like “DAMMIT.”
And he bits of Tyr’s hand
and everyone laughs at Fenrir
except for Tyr
because he just got his hand bit off.
And Fenrir is all trying to scream and bite everyone
so they jam a sword in his mouth to keep it open forever
and Fenrir drools so much
that it makes an entire fucking river
called “hope” is Norse for some reason
like this is some kind of fucked up morbid motivational poster.
HOPE:
YOU WILL EVENTUALLY ESCAPE YOUR HELLISH PRISON
AND RAIN DEATH AND FIRE UPON MIDGARD
Because actually that is what the Norse prophecy says.
It says that eventually, at the end of the world
Fenrir will get loose and eat Odin.

So I guess the moral of the story
is that if your friend keeps bringing home his mutant babies
it is not your responsibility to raise those babies.

Remember this.

So, there’s a fucking story for you.

How did that make you feel?

The reason I read is to ask:

What would you sacrifice for the greater good?

Now, honestly I don’t really expect anyone to answer, but it would be fucking sweet if you did.

Anyways, more Tacopocalypse information coming very soon.

* (This story also exists on the website at but slightly different.)

 

fischfail_sig2

Fade with the Morning Light

Posted: November 3, 2014 by luzob in Random
Tags: , , , ,

Good evening, or good morning, our sweet, wonderful Readers.

Since I’ve been laid off from work for roughly a month and a half I have been somewhat blessed with a wealth of time for myself and my pursuits. As of late I had found myself sinking softly into a pit of less-than-quiet desperation. Tonight I spent a decent amount of time just thinking. What abouts, you most likely aren’t asking? I’ll tell you anyway, my lucky Readers.

Life has been changing somewhat dramatically for me this year and some, with both tragedy and fortune. For the intents and purposes of this point I shall keep it light and positive.

I am in a new relationship, and have been much MUCH happier with not only my romantic life but with myself. While my significant other would most likely say otherwise, I believe that most of my positive change can be attributed to her. A clarity that was fleeting and uncommon in the past has now become something I can feel with each wondrous day. While life is not rainbows and butterflies, I feel like I am less haunted by my own melancholy feelings.

I’ve graduated from college with my Bachelors in Social Work, and despite the lack of utilization of said degree so far I have done something that no other in my family has at this point.

I’ve decided to take a more laid-back approach to my life as of late. With little to really keep my mind busy, stagnation was slowly creeping into my being. As stated above, things weren’t easier for the time being. Luckily with a strong support group of wonderful friends I stay stronger than I ever could alone. Everything I’ve said is kind of a big thing to say, considering that I am usually just a sad raincloud, haha!

You may have heard this before – from different sources and advertisements and other nonsense – but I can say in absolute confidence that things do get better in time. It seems insurmountable, everything from the everyday disappointments and hopefully rare tragedies, but the human mind is a profoundly strong and resilient entity. You don’t have to listen to me, my dear Readers, but if you’ve gotten this far I would say with a little optimism that hopefully something will stick with you. Thanks for coming by and taking time to read this.

(edited 11/3/2014 by LuzOb)

The Crunch Heard ‘Round the World.

Posted: November 2, 2014 by fischfail in Random
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is (probably) already done. Also don’t forget to follow my antics (i.e. stupidity) on Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Also, feel free to follow a possible descent into alcoholism at Untappd. Thanks!

Just think about that for one second. A sound that people around the world create, (hopefullly) at a singular point in time. It’s not likely, but it would be awesome, although it is doubtful that you would (realistically) even hear your neighbour making a crunch sound and if you do, you may want to consider new neighbours.

But the idea of a singular sound produced by people all over the world at a set global time is the purpose of this post nonetheless.

I want to throw a party that no one shows up to. And, not like the previous FFI parties that people were supposed to come to and instead ignored. I want no one to attend this party… In person (and so help me, if any of you mother fuckers show up at my apartment, I will end you). On the other hand, this is not some reverse-psychology bullshit where I tell you about this awesome concept and then tell everyone not to come, and I secretly want everyone to do so.

No, I am throwing a party, and none of you are actually invited to attend in person. In fact, as of this exact moment, there is no date or time even set for this party. And I guess we have come to point of the post where I should give this party a name or at least describe the purpose of it.

The Tacopocalypse

That is the name of the party and the purpose is: the destruction of tacos.

This is how I see the world, everyone loves tacos in some form or another. Meaty / cheesy bastards, bean-based monsters, even ones containing no “rabbit food,” crunchy, soft. Hell even a taco salad. Whatever the physical construction makes it look like, it is allowed as long as it has the world taco.

Now, on the day of the event(remember that is yet to be determined), you will procure some fucking tacos. Buy them, make them, hell steal the neighbours for all I care. Your mission to acquire some fucking tacos. Then feel free to join us in a virtual web cam based world or just take pictures and send them to us. Eat the tacos, smash them on your face or the floor. Play taco baseball. I don’t care what you do with the taco, just send us proof. And the more tacos you go through the better.

In fact, user nicejerk from Reddit already got in the mood. Here is a picture of their cat named Taco, dressed as a taco, eating a taco… From Taco Bell.*

 

Taco the cat, dresses as a taco, eating a taco from Taco Bell.

Taco the cat, dresses as a taco, eating a taco from Taco Bell.

 

Now internet, do us proud.

More details coming soon.

I’m not joking. This needs to be real. Tell everyone you know. Then tell everyone you know again. Then tell everyone you know to tell everyone they know. We want people from everywhere… We need your help.

 

* NiceJerk and Reddit have no affiliation with Fisch Fail, INC. And have probably never even heard of us. You guys could fix that as well.

fischfail_sig2


A quote from our main author and contributor from two years (and one day) prior:

“I find it interesting though, that normally, this time of year brings about a large amount of depression and anxiety, and this year was no different. I really have no reason to hate my birthday, or anything like that. This time of year just brings me into a depressive funk that I have never been able to explain.”

Remind me to quote things properly… eventually…

Ever since Mr. Fail posted this I have taken it upon myself to inform the world of his badassery upon the highest rooftop of our blog. I thought about speaking upon the lofty achievements of his life, and referencing the posts past with witty humor and banter that only my sleep-deprived mine could think of.

This time I want something different…

This year it is your collective turns…

I will be collecting bits and quotes of people that happen to personally know Mr. Fail and throwing them into something… I dunno what though… and making that motherfucker count.

So replyreplyreplyreplyreply! and comment on this post things that you want to say about our glorious lead author. I have a gift proper in the works but it’ll have to wait for a couple paydays (and not the candybars, Mr. Fail cannot eat them, dumbasses).

Be it heartfelt, troll-ish or downright disturbing I want to hear from everyone! That means you too lazy other authors…

and that’s really it! fucken easy, right? then DO it! and I will do it first…LuzOb