No but seriously there is a MAN known as our author and I shall speak his praises to you toDAY!
To speak of such amazingness is a mere GLIMPSE of this wondrous bastard!
Did you know he tastes like candy?
That at least were the last words of the only man to lick him –
– that man was Jesus.
THAT’S RIGHT Mr. Fail is BOTH Jesus and has been LICKED by Jesus!
Sexy Paradox!
Now that it’s the year 3452. The Army of Terry Crewses have joined forces with the COB (Coalition of Orbital Burritos) to once and for all thwart FischFail using their timebending technology in an attempt to end his reign when it first began. Going back to the year 2017 they are far too late, as Mr. Fail in all his glory is already on every media outlet and broadcast in the known universe!
His eyes burn with the hatred of a handful of vegans on Tumblr!
His smile can burn down said vegans!
WELCOME TO FFITV!
THE END IS NEIGH AS FUUUUUUUUUCK!
You are my best friend and brother, and I’m gladdened to wish you another happy BITRTHDYA.
luzob here to let you know the DESPITE being dormant for over a fucking year we are still indeed very much alive and kicking like 340873 drunken Bruce Lees!
Holy shit do I have a lot to tell you about, and in the coming weeks I will keep everyone informed!
Good day, weary travelers! It’s time for another Fun Fact, or at least this one is fun for me. Do you like dinosaurs kids?
Why am I even asking; EVERYONE LOVES DINOSAURS!!!!
The Jurassic Park series is one of my favorites in cinema history. Not because it’s cinematically revolutionary or anything like that, but because it’s what I grew up with. When I was a kid, I was at the Natural History museum a couple times a week. I love dinosaurs, hence the fact that I am pursuing a degree in paleontology. Now, although I love Jurassic Park, it is scientifically ridiculous. There are so many things it gets wrong that I don’t know where to start. So I’ll just go over the big one I have in mind; Velociraptors.
Above: Utahraptor, Below: Velociraptor
In Jurassic Park, Velociraptors are big and menacing, depicted as being as tall or taller than a fully grown man. This is not the case. the Velociraptor was actually closer to the size of a turkey. What you see in the movies is closer to the Utahraptor. I think you can see why they didn’t call them that; it doesn’t sound as cool. As you can see from the pictures above, the Velociraptor was small. That’s not to say it couldn’t have likely eviscerated a human being if it really wanted to, but the obvious creative liberties stand.
And don’t even get me started on the Mosasaurus in Jurassic World… Regardless of how miffed I get as a science major, the kid in me forgives Spielberg for the ridiculous inaccuracies.
It’s hard to get through the week sometimes. When you’re life is dedicated to little more than work and school, more work and homework, it can feel like a drag. That’s why I go to trivia at a local bar, every Wednesday night. It helps break up the week, and it’s often the only opportunity I have to see certain friends. If you don’t already have one, find an activity that can break up the humdrum and help you retain some of your sanity.
I love trivia. Any kind really. Putting my otherwise useless knowledge to task is one of my favorite things to do on a given weekday. I play live trivia at a particular bar near where I live, every Wednesday night with a few of my friends. Much of the time, these friends are people that I actually met at the bar, people who I otherwise never would have crossed path with.
It doesn’t hurt that we win a lot.
I guess the point of this short blurb is that this Wednesday night trivia is what gets me through the week. It can be hard to get up in the morning, to keep slogging through the shitty shit that gets thrown your way, so be sure to have some fun when you can. in the words of the great Ferris Bueler, “Life moves pretty fast; if you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it”.
Good day, weary travelers! The time has come for another installment of Fun Facts.
With the three-ring circus that is the current presidential campaign season in full swing, I thought I would touch on something that most of us think of as an immutable fact of politics in the U.S.; Polling.
We always have all of these poll numbers showing who is potentially in the lead in a given political race, but where did it all start? It started with a guy named George Gallup. Gallup founded the American Institute of Public Opinion in 1935, a precursor to what we know today as the Gallup Organization. But just like Edison and his phonograph, what the organization does today is not the intention he originally had in mind.
It was only to waylay criticism that he began taking polls of a political nature. Many were skeptical of his results, and questioned why they should trust them. Couldn’t he just doctor the numbers? It was Gallup’s prediction of Franklin D. Roosevelt’s presidential victory in 1936 that cemented the idea in the minds of the public that maybe, just maybe, there was merit to what he was doing.
The rest, as they say, is history.
Some neat stuff. Practically speaking, this information is pretty useless to most people, but I think its good to learn something new nonetheless, yeah?
Good day, weary travelers! Although most know by now, by the grace of whatever gods you may or may not believe in, Donald Trump did not win in the Iowa caucus. It’s a victory for anyone with a brain, to be sure, but the fight is not yet over. If ever there was an election year to get involved, this is it. Republican or democrat, Sanders or Rubio, make yourself heard. Your one vote may seem like small potatoes, but it matters. Every vote matters.
While this is a plea for citizens to be politically active in our system, this is also a plea for everyone to make sure that TRUMP DOESN’T WIN.
Guys a tool. A racist tool. A racist, misogynist tool. I could go on.
Keep the faith people. The only way a democratic system can work is if the people make themselves heard. As rigged as it can feel, do your part.
Good day, weary travelers! Today I’ve decided to drop an interesting bit of trivia, for those who may not yet know it.
Thomas Edison – you know, the lightbulb guy – made this thing a long while back called the phonograph. I won’t go into the mechanics of how it works, but the phonograph was essentially the predecessor to the record player. Nowadays, we have these newfangled music devices and it’s all… well it’s just tops.
What many may not know is that when Edison invented this archaic device of sound emission, he had it in mind as a recording device for higher purposes; Dictation, education, business, things of that sort. He believed that his invention would only be cheapened if used for the purpose of playing music. He eventually conceded, of course, leading over the next century to the extrapolation of other mediums for the purpose of musical recording.
Isn’t that neat? Bet most people didn’t know that. We learned something new today. Well done.
Anywho, I’m going through a degree program right now for geology, eventually to be a paleontologist. Because dinosaurs are awesome, lets be honest. To be fair, vertebrate paleontology is only one part of the field, but that’s what I’m doing. I love it, it’s super awesome.
I’m reading Charles Darwin’s On the origin of the Species right now. I mention this because anyone outside of the field of biology or geology, or any field that concerns evolution, would probably get 3 pages in and say “FUUUUUUCCCCKKK THAT”. It’s super dry. Seriously, he goes on for 20 pages about pigeons. Really slow read. But I love it. I say this because everyone should find their Darwin. That something that many others would never do in a million years. Yeah, you have to make money and all that, but don’t settle for being miserable the rest of your life. There are ways to have your cake and eat it, too. Work for a living, but live for your passion.
Life is not easy. I’m not sure it was ever meant to be. Day in and day out, we all scramble to keep up with it all. I decided to start writing again while sitting in my journalism class on a particularly stressful day, as I came to the realization that without an outlet I would eventually blow a fuse. I think everyone needs something like this; a hobby or a space of their own where they can attempt to mentally and emotionally tackle the things that threaten to bring them crashing down every day.
My grandfather died recently. Or at least it still feels recent. I don’t like saying “he passed” or “he left us”, because it doesn’t work like that. Using every word but dead to describe losing a loved one doesn’t make it any less awful of a feeling, so why not be honest about it? To say he and I were very close would be a gross understatement. Growing up, my father was pretty much non-existent, so my grandfather stepped very willingly and successfully into that important role of male mentor. He taught me almost everything I know about being a man, and I am only as capable as I am thanks to his patient guidance.
Anyway, he had this shop in his basement. Whenever I wanted to make something or had a project for school, he would take me down to the shop and teach me. Every time I was in the shop with him, I learned something new. After his death, I stopped going into his shop. We never talked about it, but the rest of the family all agreed that it should pass to me; his space and his tools. I just couldn’t be in there without him, it seemed somehow cosmically wrong. After a few months, I finally opened the door and walked in. I started cleaning it up and putting everything in it’s proper place. He had school pictures of my brother and I on the cabinet doors and all the little cards we made him over the years, the ones from before we could spell. It was difficult to say the least. But he always used to say to me “if you use the shop, it better be clean by the time you’re done”. Somehow, from the grave, he was right there nagging me again. That made me laugh.
Going in the shop isn’t so hard anymore. Every single pen or ring I turn on my lathe reminds me of when he was here, and I smile. I would show him what I made and his face would light up with this ear-to-ear grin. Sometimes he gave a little chuckle. He never really told me he was proud of me in so many words, but he never needed to. We had our own language. For a while there, after he died, I wondered if I had told him I loved him often enough. I don’t worry about that so much these days. I think he knew.
Don’t ever let yourself wonder. Make sure they know.
I want to let you guys know that it’s our intrepid author’s birthday. Mr. Fail is my best friend, and I simply don’t know where I would be without him. I know this isn’t some crazy, off-the-wall post about his exploits, but with the way things have been lately in our lives, I feel like a somber moment is appropriate. Tonight I will thank the Gods for the 24 years of friendship I share with him.
Thank you Olaf.
Love,
Ingibjorn
Also the Orbital Burrito now leads the French Revolution of 2058…
Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is (probably) already done. Also don’t forget to follow my antics (i.e. stupidity) on Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Also, feel free to follow a possible descent into alcoholism at Untappd. Thanks!
Hello everyone.
First and foremost, I would like to thank all of our loyal followers who stayed with us in our time of absence. If I could thank you all personally, I would. And as for the new followers who managed to find our little piece of the Internet, and decided to give us a follow, thank you as well. It really does mean a lot to us.
Now for the purpose of this post…
A long time ago, I spoke briefly about the depression that has plagued my life since before I can remember, and I made the promise to you all that I would never allow those negative thoughts and feelings of my personal life to creep into a blog whose slogan is “Making fun of life…”; there is already enough sadness in the world. This turned out to be easier that I initially thought. The reason being, when I am times of darkness, not only do I have severe writer’s block, but a complete mental block all together. I can’t speak for how everyone feels when dealing with depression, but for me, I lose all sense of self. I lose all sense force of will and all sense of resolve. I feel hollow inside and fragile. And while I do feel as though any one person is attempted to be malicious and cause me to shatter, I do feel that even the slightest touch would cause me to crumble and collapse in on myself.
And yet, despite making this blog as a way to deal with my depression, I never wanted to write while depressed if that makes sense.
And it wasn’t until fairly recently that I was able to put this into words. In fact, very few people have heard that description before today. Just like very few people know me well enough to know that in the past I have considered suicide. And, even attempted it on more than one occasion. Which brings me to my next point.
The other day, I had a dream where I did commit suicide. I won’t go into details regarding it, as I already said there is enough sadness in the world as is. But when I woke up, I realized the dream had really bothered me. Not because I considered it a nightmare (which is another affliction I suffer from), but because I then realized that despite all my best attempts I really do have a plan of action if I ever decide to take my own life again. After a day of feeling down and out of it, I finally broke down in the arms of ErinLovesTheWeb and told her everything. Really opened myself up, probably for the first time in years, maybe ever.
But, it made me realize something. I have a beautiful, strong, generous, and caring support group. And I’ve had it all along. I genuinely felt blessed (which, for those of you who know, is not a term I ever use). This is not to say the depression is “gone,” per se. Just a little more manageable.
For those followers of ours that suffer from depression, anxiety, or any of affliction, I want you to know, that even when times seems the darkest, there is always help and it usually closer than you think.
I can say with certainty that most, if not all, of the authors at Fisch Fail, INC (both past and present) have dealt with some form of depression and darkness as well. And we have all tried very hard to keep that from you, but I want you all to know, that we understand and if you need help, please get it.
As a final note, I would like to say, with a heavy heart, I cannot pretend to guarantee any sort of posting schedule any more. Besides, we all know I wouldn’t be able to stick to it.
I want to thank you all for reading this, and remember, if you need help, it is available.
So strangely enough my strange day began pretty normal; got up, got coffee, jumped onto Twitch, and started watching random Youtube nonsense.
Now I’ve heard the combination of Brentalfloss/The Mega’s Megaman-based hit “Gotta Run/Be The One” but for some strange reason it really sunk in today.
I may or may not have written about this in the past, but here’s a refresher… if not for you at least for me.
When I was growing up I was in my own fantasy land, mostly created from the video games my mother played. Final Fantasy, Zelda, Secret of Mana, Earthbound. etc. so I grew up with one major virtue which stayed with me for years: there were things in this world which we need to save our loved ones from, and these “evils” could come from anywhere. Besides imparting a minor shade of paranoia into my grade school brain, it gave me a duty – to make sure that evil would stay away from those whom I cared about.
In time this naive notion eroded away like most childhood dreams. When my little brother came to elementary school I would see him get into it with fellow schoolkids, and I would come rushing to his aid. A year later he wouldn’t want my help anymore, and my small mind couldn’t see that it was just him growing up. I thought I just couldn’t help him anymore.
Eventually the harsh reality set in that I really couldn’t save the world anymore, and yet subconsciously my life has grown around the need to still help. I graduated with my Bachelor’s in Social Work, but helping others is a lot more complicated than I thought it would be. So slowly I became lazy and uncaring, and it’s affected me.
Even as I write this I’m slowly becoming discouraged, and wondering even why i started this post…
Ever at age 29 can I think I can save the world?
I blame Brentalfloss and reading Harry Potter lately…
I think I like the word “nonsense” almost more than any other non-taco-related word out there. I’m not really sure why.
So I moved 200 miles away from the only world I knew. That isn’t to say that I’m living 200 miles away from Earth, it’s just that my world has always been a VERY small and confined place. It’s taking a lot of getting used to, and I’ve had a lot of time on my hands. So whats a guy to do when he basically is in a brand new place, with nothing but time on his hands? Grow as a person and branch out, becoming stronger in the process?
If that means drink a lot and sulk… then yes?
So here’s my attempt to not only start up a new hobby for myself but also get some desperately need social interaction:
Once again I’m here to shamelessly promote something! But if I can’t promote my own content to my own fanbase, then who can?
I’m somewhat hopeful that this will end up panning out to something that at least gives me joy, and maybe down the line end up giving me a little extra revenue? Because you’ve stuck with us for so long I will give our lovely readers exclusive updates, and if you help me out I will make sure to help you out as well.
Thank you for the years of support despite my sporadic authorship.
Are you seriously about to tell me that LuzOb is about to just waltz in this bitch without saying anything, again, for MONTHS and just drop some random guy’s IndieGogo project in front of us?
Welcome, don’t forget to share this blog with your friends and subscribe for the latest in entertainment. And if you use StumbleUpon, go ahead and give us a thumbs up, would ya? It is easy, all the work is (probably) already done. Also don’t forget to follow my antics (i.e. stupidity) on Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter. Also, feel free to follow a possible descent into alcoholism at Untappd. Thanks!
Wow, what a weird fucking year.
Another year has come and gone, and like every year it is time for us to reflect on the year’s successes and failures, changes, and lessons learned.
Okay, so in reality we have done a post like this in a few years, however we usually all get together and discuss it. This year is a little different.
So, with no real care regarding the order of events here are some of the things that happened this year.
First, lets begin with one of the unofficial anthems of FFI during 2014.
For the first 8 months of 2014 there were two posts. A post regarding the sensational band, Baby Metal. And LuzOb’s annual post dedicated to the ringleader of this nightmare, me. It had been a rough year and summer for us all, and we were still reeling from losses and personal demons. We had all talked, extensively, about bringing “The blog” back, but never actually got around to doing anything about it. And once again, FFI almost went the way of the dinosaurs. And despite, continuously getting new followers, fans, and friends, we just couldn’t come back.
Then starting in August, we started posting some regularity again, even hashing out the plans for an event aptly named the #Tacopocalypse. And while the plan was the have the party (where no one fucking comes) before the end of the year, certain other events have prevented that. Don’t worry, we are still planning on having a taco destruction party. Look for it in Q1 (that’s right, some fucking business terms there… Because that’s we are, a business. Or something).
And now onto news that isn’t the same as always (i.e. we have this thing we are going to do… Look, we didn’t do it! Like always.)
Former author Drezirale, who said his goodbyes with us last year (Well, it was a hell of a ride), not only married this year, but also announced they are having a baby. Who would’ve thought?
After a few years of spinning poi, I finally decided to light a pair ablaze and hurl them around my body is a rhythmic pattern. Somewhere a few of the FFI “authors” (yeah, I’m calling you out, ErinLovesTheWeb(who is technically an editor) and Grimnir) have video of this event. Maybe one day they will appear here. Since then, there have been many other such sessions.
Next! Over the years, there have been many authors and contributors who have lived at The house that Fisch Fail, INC. built, and over time many of left the nest (so to speak). And now, the original member, the O.G. if you will has also decided to depart the homestead. Recently LuzOb announced he would be leaving his childhood home, in search of a new life, and while we remain in contact with him, our thoughts are with him. And in case you missed it, here is the list of authors who at one time or another have lived with LuzOb…
In other news, one day I will learn how to use the tools presented here and quit forgetting to do stupid shit (like title the fucking post…).
ErinLovesTheWeb and I moved into a place of our own, finally. It is a crappy little one-bedroom apartment, that works well for us.
One day, I was driving home after a complete shit week, just fucking awful. And LuzOb called me and heard my having an angry explosion. Just flipping out, probably to a dangerous level. A little while he sent me the following message:
“Well our friendship is old enough to drink and I did that whole “learn to help” nonsense as a major. Lemme know what I can do. You’ve been helping me with a lot of nonsense lately too. Throughout my life I’ve had many friends, two actual brothers, and a handful of brothers and sisters through the Theod. There had always been one person whom I’ve called my Brother despite blood relation and even before a spiritual connection. We’ve gone through a lot there 22 years or so, and I want to let you know that you really mean a lot to me. I know things have been a little tricky and rough these past few years but you’ve changed so much for the better. You know those outbursts you had this evening? Those were the norm in the past for you, yet are a rarity now. Look forward, my Brother, for there are great things in store for someone as wonderful as you. Thank you for letting me know there still are those who are strong in body, mind, and heart in this world. Goodnight.”
My drunken mind, began crying. Thank you, Luz. Thank you.
In final news, for this post, and probably the year. After nearly five-years of dating, I finally got the courage to ask ErinLovesTheWeb for her hand in marriage. And as of Christmas Eve, her ring finger is shinier. It is pretty sweet. LuzOb knew about the proposal beforehand (kind of), and he demanded to know the details as they happened. So, when I sent him a picture of ErinLovesTheWeb holding up her hand and glowing / smiling like a fucking lunatic (unfortunately, I am at work and can’t really upload photos, but maybe I will upload it a little later), his reply was:
“I teared up. No lie.”
I love that guy, take that as you will.
For now, friends. I hope your year was good for growth, experience, and life. And if it was not, I am sorry. But, let’s try and make 2015 a good time for us all. Until next year, stay both safe and drunk. Especially stay safe if you are planning on being drunk.
Fisch Fail, INC. 